Breaking Dawn Part 1 – Review (With Illustrations!)

Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1, Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner

Editors Note: This article is not for the easily offended. But it is hilarious if you aren’t.

Why Are You Interested in This Adaptation?

Rachel-

Oh, man, am I interested in this adaptation? Am I? I’m interested in this for the same reasons I’m interested in the latest Lindsay Lohan drama.

I just want to out myself immediately. I am not a fan of Twilight. I think they’re poorly written, dull manifestations of one woman’s Mary Sue dream that comes right at the END of a decade long vampire obsession in popular culture.

THAT BEING SAID, I certainly can’t deny their popularity. These books and movies have reached beyond the intended demographic to people like my mother who always found Buffy to be too violent (although she is the one who gave me Interview with a Vampire when I was 12 or 13, so go figure…).  My MOTHER. The French country decorating, beach obsessed, Southern Living magazine subscriber.

Is it possible to make vampires wholesome? I guess? Stephenie Meyer has surely succeeded. She has opened the door of Paranormal Romance fiction for many people who would never have gone NEAR such occulty nonsense before.  So, uh…yay?

And also, I want to know how vampires can have babies. How does that work? Exactly, please with graphic detail.

Which brings me back to the question. I am interested in this adaptation because having sat through all the previous films, by god I was going to sit through this one. Plus, my friends that do like Twilight all hated Breaking Dawn and I want to know WHY. I’ve also heard that there is a certain honesty to the pregnancy/birth part of the narrative of Breaking Dawn. In a society where motherhood is often shoved down our throats as a beautiful, fulfilling and  natural experience I am very interested in a portrayal that pays attention to the feelings of women who may find pregnancy and birth to be horrifying, difficult, uncomfortable, and life threatening.

 

Elena-

I got sucked into Twilight by my friends, and, ain’t gonna lie, it pushed a lot of my inner romantic/loner/teenage angst/high school crush memories buttons.  Fuck all the usual caveats about the writing isn’t great or the story is illogical and/or nonexistent.  I enjoyed the book.  Period.  For me it was great.  So I read the rest of them.  Two and three were also degrees of great.  Four was a book I wish I could erase from the banks of my memory.  It was way too long for the amount of story that actually happened, it was illogical and seemed not to fit the rest of the world building, and it approached levels of creepiness on a couple different fronts (“I must have this bebe if it KILLS me” and “I am in love with a seven-minute-old infant whose mother I thought was the love of my life until I saw her daughter so really I guess I just loved her ovaries,” specifically) that made it almost unreadable.  I hated it.

So if I hated Breaking Dawn the book, why do I want to see this movie?  Well, I have seen the other movies and been…lukewarm on them, at best.  But I’m no quitter, so I’ll finish out the film series.  Also I want to see the ridiculousness that was the plotline of Breaking Dawn on the big screen to laugh at.  Hopefully the movie will expose this part of the story for the cracked-out WTFery that it really is to everyone who thought it was good when they read it, and its limitations should be on better display without the characters’ tortured thoughts, only the cast’s tortured acting, to tell the story.

Also because Lee Pace is in here somewhere, although I don’t think he’s actually in Part 1.  But I’m not taking any chances because I don’t remember what part of the story Garrett actually shows up in….

 

What Would Make It Suck?

Elena-

If they follow the book as closely as the other movies have.  Because that ending…holy crap.  It was one of the lamest endings to a series I have ever read.

My issues with the story aside, the film is going to suck if it looks and feels like the others.  They are none of them objectively good films, and sadly—at least for me—none of them have really been satisfying representations of the books on screen because I’ve had so many issues with the acting and directing along the way.  At least this movie I’m not going to mind if it’s bad, because that is actually pretty much what I’m looking forward to with it, a good laugh.  The comedy of the year!

 

Rachel-

Hahahaha, of course it is going to suck. I don’t understand this question.

It’s a melodramatic piece of trash with very little story involving two beautiful people sighing and fawning over how wonderful each other is and everyone else thinks they’re wonderful too.

If I have to watch another movie involving Bella in a fetal position fake killing herself over and over just to get Edward’s attention, or see Jacob try to force himself on a girl that has told him a million times that she is not interested… then this movie will suck.

 

What Would Make It Awesome?

Rachel-

It would be awesome if Twilight took itself less seriously. If they made a genuine effort to be entertaining and cut out all the stupid and boring shit. They should use all the Hollywood writing talent at their disposal and say “let’s not just adapt this story, let’s IMPROVE IT”. No more vampire baseball. WHAT IS THAT?

You guys, I could write an entire Master’s Thesis on why Vampire Baseball is the lamest shit ever in the entire universe and all the other universes as well. I could!

Now let’s talk about this whole birthing thing. I get it, ya know? It’s the moral American dream. Meet a boy who is too old for you, he’s obsessed with you even though there isn’t a damn thing interesting about you, you get married, you have his hell spawn, and then your best friend bones your baby or something.

No wait, I don’t get it. Is that what Breaking Dawn is about? I mean, hey, I like the idea that if you manage to procreate with a vampire, the baby will claw itself out of you. That makes sense, actually. But isn’t that a major plot point in those Wayfarer Redemption novels? (Talk about BAD NOVELS…please don’t get me started on those. I have a whole song and dance number about them. An actual song with an actual dance. There is flower waving. MOVE ON RACHEL!)

Where was I? Oh, right, there is WAY too much emphasis on this whole mating young and mating for life thing. What would be great is if Jacob went off and got himself a hotter more interesting girlfriend and Bella spends the rest of her middle age (does she get to age, too? No?) Obsessing over this guy that she used to have wrapped around her little finger who just up and left and GOT OVER IT like you do.

VAMPIRE DIVORCE! That’s what would make this movie awesome!

I’m getting snarky now, aren’t I?

 

Elena-

If they totally changed the story so there was no Renesmee and no literally cradle-robbing Jacob and no all talk and no action “climactic battle” against the Volturi.  But from the previews I know they don’t change the story, so…nothing?  There is literally nothing they can do with this story that will make it okay?  Yes.  That’s my final answer.  If they’re not going to change the story then nothing will make it awesome.

But for the fans who loved the book, what would make it awesome is if they fill in some of the blank spaces in the book.  For starters, let’s get a real sex scene instead of that fade to black bullshit!  Maybe two!  That would be awesome.

If Bill Condon can change enough of Bella’s performance MO that she no longer sounds like she has Tourette’s or Asperger’s Syndrome and Edward’s so that he doesn’t look continually constipated.  That would be the second best thing to do.

Others:

Lose the laughable spray-on sparkles.

Lose the awful dye jobs and “vampire” makeup.

Let Emmett go full 8 Mile and bust out a rap/dance-off with the wolves (or the Volturi).

More Jasper and Alice!  In fact, just make the whole movie about Jasper and Alice. That would be awesome!  Fuck Edward and Bella, let’s go back and get Jasper and Alice’s backstory filled in.  Plus you know with the two of them having their crazy mind-reading powers they got into some way kinky-ass shit.  Like they could have entire sexual encounters just by imagining them to each other…Jasper decides to do something so Alice sees it, then he feels her reaction…they actually COULD have sex in a PG13 movie because it would all be mental!  Hm.  It might actually be kind of boring to sit through Alice and Jasper making sex faces at each other for half an hour, but that wouldn’t make it any different from what Edward and Bella do already, so…fuck it.  Bring it.  It’s got to be better than what we’ve seen so far.

 

Additional Thoughts on Production?

Elena-

I am still sad that Summit couldn’t convince David Lynch to come direct this one, as he’s the most qualified director for a scene that involves (SPOILER ALERT) Edward eating through Bella’s uterus (END SPOILER).  (WAIT – STILL SPOILER:  To all of you out there who object to my terms, please go read that scene again.  I will wait. … Back?  Exactly.  “The only thing strong enough to cut through vampire skin is vampire TEETH.”  Jacob is just too squeamish to look.  I am not.  I want to see that in all its disgusting, gorge-rising glory.  OKAY NOW WE’RE DONE WITH SPOILERS FOR REAL.)  Lynch is not, however, the only qualified director…Human Centipede director Tom Six is up there, as is David Cronenberg for his early works like Videodrome and Dead Ringers.  I mean, instruments for performing gynecology on alien women could easily translate to vampires, right?

 

Rachel-

Wait WHAT! EATING THROUGH THE UTERUS? All the way? Or does he just have a little gnaw and floss with the umbilical cord? Why is this happening? Does Bella eat her placenta afterwards? To, ya know..restore her strength? Or does Jacob because that’s something a dog would do? (PS – omg Jacob is there? OF COURSE HE IS. I’m going to invite all my ex-boyfriends to come watch my future births. I think pooping on the table and having my rectum sliced open is exactly what they need to see. Guys?)

Okay I would like to amend my earlier statement: I am interested in this adaptation because I’m REALLY curious about how exactly Cedric goes about eating through K-stew’s uterus.

 

Reaction to Film?


Rachel-

Is Drunk.

I present to you the notes I took while watching the film. (If I stopped taking notes I would immediately fall asleep!)

What is happening, why is Jacob taking his clothes off in the yard?
Bella’s mom is happy her underage daughter is getting married?
Barf wedding shit.. barf barf wanna kill myself, barf.
Boring ass conversation between Edward and Bella while he looks like he’s going to puke on her and she says the word VIRGIN…bored.
Oh look they’re at the movies, a movie about vampires…how fucking meta. Kill me.
Ha ha… Edward is only now telling Bella about how he used to eat people? Is this happening? He only ate murderers? God he was never cool. Never.
They’re kissing. I don’t care. I think my uterus is shriveling.
DOES NO ONE USE DOORS? SHE’S WALKING HIM TO HER WINDOW. USE THE DOOR, ASSHOLE.
Is Bella naked at her wedding? IS THIS A FERENGI WEDDING? Oh no…it’s just another boring strapless gown. Oh, but there’s blood. Cool. When I get married I’ll douse the guests in blood. It’ll be like Carrie, only I hate you.
PILE OF DEAD. IT IS THE AUDIENCE.

Oh, a dream. Darn.
Bella’s mom is a drunk, right? Right?
Omg…Bella just smiled. It was like Kristen was breaking character.
This wedding is set in the same place those aliens had sex in Avatar.


Jessica is my favorite character. “Do you think she’ll be showing? Who else gets married at 18?”
Why is this in slow motion? To prolong my misery? It’s a fucking wedding! (Oh look, Bella is gonna vomit? Vomit would be interesting and would probably make Jessica happy. She still looks like shit. What is with her eye bags? Is something biting her? She can’t even walk normally…) We get it. Aisle, dress, kiss at the end. BARF.
This is like fucking wedding porn. Five minutes of them staring at each other while she hobbles down the aisle sick to her stomach. Is this a legitimate American teen dream? I thought this country had gone to hell? This is the most boring shit I have ever seen. It’s not even as interesting as a David’s bridal commercial. Oh…vows…at last. They’re mumbling. I have no idea.
I don’t know who half these characters are, but they’re all wearing bad wigs. They spent the wig budget on this terrible hipster/Amish string band.
Werewolves crash the reception! Oh…no Jacob. Darn. I was wondering if wearing a tie with his abs would make he seem any less 12 years old.
Ha ha…I think this unhappy vampire “cousin” being a bitch at the reception is the whiney girl from Lost. Which makes me wish Ian Somerhalder was at this wedding. WAY BETTER IDEA. Salvatore brothers crash Bella’s wedding! Insist everyone stop being so fucking lame.

Omg…did the vampire best man just make a sex all night joke?
WAIT, Jessica my favorite character is the maid of honor? She’s drunk speeching. NO LET HER TALK. FUCK CHARLIE.
Omg this shot of Edward while people are speaking…he looks like he’s been on a 3-day bender.
Drunken mom is singing. So it is confirmed. She is actually a drunk. I wasn’t projecting my own drunkenness on her.
Why is Edward talking? He’s wearing more makeup than Bella.
OMG THIS WEDDING IS STILL HAPPENING. CAN WE MOVE ALONG? Bella is wearing an orthodox wedding dress. You’re marrying a freakin’ vampire, dude…you should be wearing like…bondage leather and a crop.
Oh…Jacob is in the woods drunkenly not crashing the party at all. He…fails at being disapproving. LAST CHANCE TO GET THERE BEFORE EDWARD DOES!
God. I need more wine.
Jacob seriously has the head of a young boy stuck on some abs. It’s disconcerting. It makes me feel like I forgot to zip my fly or something. I’m just…really uncomfortable. I think Bella should get away from him before he puts more lipsmackers on.
I think they’re talking about the logistics of human/vampire sex. Hahahahaha. “YOU’LL KILL HER!” FINE KILL HER GAWD. Old timey Indian says they should be left to bone in peace. (Seriously, Bella’s dress looks like a doily, and the corset thing underneath it really does look like she’s trying to hide early stage pregnancy. Go Jessica.)
I don’t even care anymore. Can we get to the incredibly lame penis shriveling sex scene that is apparently imminent?
I really hope Jacob chose to mournfully howl as a person. Drunken frat guy style.
Edward took her to…Brooklyn? Oh, no, Rio. WHATEVER. IS THAT BECAUSE JESUS CAN WATCH?
“I’m nothing, if not traditional” is not something a lady wants to hear on her wedding night.
Wow, they’re not going at each other like a pair of teenagers with dysentery.
She has to psyche herself up for sex? And brush her TEETH? OMG GIRL. CAN I TELL YOU SOME STORIES ABOUT HOW THIS SHIT IS NOT NECESSARY. Why is she shaving her leg? Did she not shave her legs for the wedding?  She doesn’t know what a bra is? She’s acting like she has no idea what these things are for. Towel on the beach…ok that’s probably better. But sand is a no go. EVERYONE knows that.
“Hey Edward, does my knobby body entice your dead phallus to life? Let’s have grainy salty ocean sex. Oh look, floating human waste.” This is the worst.

Wait…did they do it? The bed is all broke so I guess? God it’s like Bones. All talk no actual sex. People! Cuddle kissing is NOT SEX. Bella this is why you bone before you marry. Edward is a terrible lay. So are you.
ALSO OMG WHY IS THIS STILL HAPPENING. I DO NOT FUCKING CARE.
Oh hahaha, Bella is covered in bruises she never noticed. But it’s ok, Edward is noticing for her. Oh…ok so this is the conversation every girl and guy has the day after he beats her. Also, if I were Edward I’d be accusing her of cheating because nothing I saw should be bruise-inducing.
Oh god, barf. BARF BARF THEY’RE STILL JUST TALKING ABOUT LOVE AND SHIT. UGH. How many pages of the book is this, because so far this is like an hour of the movie and I may have to kill myself. For real.
They’re…playing chess. I think they should get divorced.
Omg…she’s like begging him during sex. Wimpy little pleases. Oh we know she’s serious because she just got on top. AND FADE TO BLACK. She’d dead hahaha. DEAD FROM SEX. Isn’t that what we all wish?
Flash to the werewolves on their shitty beach.
YEA, JACOB. GET OVER IT YOU FUCKING BITCH. GO INPRINT ON A COLLIE.
Bella is sleeping, Edward is watching her. Like old times.
Long pan on some fridge food. Lemme guess…food is gross now because she is pregnant?

She puked. She’s pregnant. UNDEAD FETUS. So he has like, zombie sperm? HAHAH. TAMPAX AD. YOU DON’T USE YOUR TAMPAX YOU MUST BE PREGNANT WITH UNDEAD FETUS. She thinks she’s pregnant with a late period? Oh girl…you haven’t been fertile that long, have you?  Bella…that is a food baby. Your body image is terrible. Should have packed some condoms next to those tampax.
The vampire baby must be a fast grower. LIKE A CANCER. CUT IT OUT.
Packing montage? wtf.


Why are they discussing their medical details with the housekeeper?

They’re taking some sort of Casablanca plane back home. Bella just called Rosalie? Don’t they hate each other?

(At this point I stopped taking notes/fell asleep. See, 90% of this film consists of long, lingering shots of people’s faces. No talking. They just struggle to emote through their Botox. That is boring. Let’s fast forward to the actual birth because we GET IT. Edward doesn’t want Bella to have the baby because he thinks she will die. However, it is Bella’s choice. Jacob vows some sort of kill pact wherein he will kill the baby and/or Edward if Bella dies. I was bored and I totally stopped paying attention. Doodles.)

I hate to admit this but I’m really digging this whole the baby is consuming/crushing Bella from the inside out plot. She’s all scary skinny and dead looking and sucking on Blood Cokes and that is EXACTLY how I imagine pregnancy to be and why I am avoiding it at all costs. Bravo! How many ladies feel like maybe their baby is just feeding off of their wasted forms until it is big enough to crawl out but they can’t say it because people will say horrible things to them? Go Bella, you’ve made it ok. Except the whole “I will die to have a baby” plot point. Hey Edward and Bella, there are plenty of little kids out there looking for terrible parents! JUST A THOUGHT.

Oh DAMN…baby just broke her back. Although it kinda just looked like a Beyoncé dance move?

Everyone is shouting and there are flashing lights.

Flash.

Flash.

STOP THE FLASHING. STOP ALL THE NOISE AND YELLING.

WAIT! Was that gnashing noise Edward eating his way through the birth sack? I WAS TOLD THIS HAPPENED. WHY AM I NOT ENJOYING THE HORROR? Stupid flashing scene. It’s like when whatsherface gave birth on Mad Men only with more blood.

I want to see, SHOW ME THE GAPING WOUND!

Oh finally…they think she’s dead and Edward won’t stop trying to bring her back. He’s biting her all over. I forgot how venom works.

Aerial shot…those legs of hers are GROSS.  Can’t stop looking at her skinny legs. They’re so distracting. I keep trying to figure out if they are CGI or practical effects.

Jacob has imprinted on Renesmee. Great. Everyone is OK with this. What if she grows up and she doesn’t WANT to be with a dude 20 years older than her with a wolf problem? I thought this whole plot was about the power of choice? Jacob is such a JERK! The wolves won’t eat her because Jacob imprinted on her? So… wait what?!


Bella is ready for her funeral? I can’t figure out if they think she is dead or if they’re just waiting for her to wake up as a vampire. Either way how come her legs are all spread open? GEEZ GUYS!

The Ms. Frizzle Cam confirms she’s got the vamp in her. She gets all pretty and overly CGIed looking. (Not that I remember what she looks like anymore because for the last hour she’s had a CGI horror face.) Opens her eyes and they’re RED.  NO ONE IS SURPRISED.

The end.

 

Elena-

Oh my god, that was a delicious two hours of schadenfreudePart 1 lived up to my every hope and expectation of awfulness for this film based on my feelings about the book.

At least the production team has given up any pretense of doing aught besides pandering to sub-15 and post-45-year-old fans.  I mean, any movie where the secondary male lead rips his shirt off with no explanation and for no apparent reason a bare 10 seconds in kind of tips its hand from the get-go.  Also, the music was TERRIBLE.  I cannot stress how awful it was.  The score was not aesthetically pleasing to begin with—seriously I think Carter Burwell “composed” it in his sleep about two hours before it was due—and it was ludicrously mismatched to what was going on in the scenes for almost the entire film.  The pop songs didn’t for the most part work either, although the one at the end with the Volturi was kind of fun.

Rachel had the luxury of live-blogging.  I did not, so I’m just going to go through a greatest hits list for the scenes I can remember feeling especially amused and/or disappointed and/or disgusted by.

Edward’s bachelor party.  “Just Cougars and bears.”  OMG y’all only a Mormon would not realize those words have connotations!  Edward’s bachelor party was full of older women in leopard print boots and big hairy male strippers all too eager to get a lick on his sparkly popsicle vampeen!  I think Edward was too innocent to know this until he read Emmett and Jasper’s filthy minds when they showed up outside Bella’s house (and you know those two have some filthy dirty minds).  That was why they had to drag him off, suddenly his party wasn’t sounding so fun after all….  Actually there is no excuse for Edward the 110-year-old virgin not to have some inkling of the direction those two were taking his party, after living with them for decades.

Okay, the “I have to tell you something—” “You’re not a virgin?” line was actually pretty hilarious.  Way to go Bella, actually making a joke!

The wedding day.  As always Charlie proves to be the best part of the entire movie.  Every scene with him in it is genuinely touching.  Bella’s dress, however, was not.  It.  Was.  Awful.  The book is general enough that they had a lot of leeway, and yet they still managed to fuck it up?  I guess they got the train right (upside-down calla lily), and the back was sexy, but the front was like 1960s retro piping.  Um.  What the fuck.  It’s supposed to look like a wedding dress from the 1910s.  Hell to the no that dress was not a haute couture reproduction of a gown from Edward’s youth that it took Alice’s prescience to know to order eight months before Edward proposed because it took that long to fucking hand-sew.  I SHOP AT THE SAME FABRIC STORE THE CREW BOUGHT FROM, WHICH I KNOW BECAUSE I GOT MISTAKEN FOR ONE OF THE COSTUMERS FROM THE BATON ROUGE PRODUCTION CREW MAKING HER WEDDING DRESS, SO I KNOW WHAT THEY HAD TO WORK WITH AND HOLY SHIT THERE WAS NO EXCUSE FOR NOT GETTING THE MATERIALS OR THE LOOK OF THE DRESS RIGHT.

The best part of the entire scene?  Jessica making her “I wonder if she’ll be showing?  Who gets married at 18?!” remarks. SO TRUE. The wedding toasts were also fun.  Especially Emmett’s and Charlie’s.  Especially Charlie’s.

The scene with Jacob was just awful.  They have no chemistry, and Bella couldn’t be bothered to pretend like she gave a shit what he thought.  That was painful.

Edward is laughing, “I AM GOING TO KILL HER WITH MY IRON-HARD VAMPIRE PENIS!  WAIT, DID I SAY IRON?  I MEANT DIAMOND!”

Apparently this movie made me very yell-y.  It was like the book all over again.  I called my mom at like 9 a.m. that Saturday after reading straight through the night and moved through the stages of grief from denial to rage in like 5 minutes flat and had to call and vent to someone.  Mom got the brunt because I read faster than all my friends.  I yelled a lot in that conversation.  I am yelling a lot right now.  This story makes me soooooooooooooooooooooooo angry.

NO SEX SCENE? FUCK YOU! (See?)

Also why is she so lame about lingerie?  And why is Edward?  Dude, if your diamond-hard devirginizing vampire boner didn’t kill her the first time there is no reason to think it would magically sprout teeth and do it the next time.  As pathetic as I found Bella’s methods, she had a point.  If she were smarter she would have done a hunger strike.  “I won’t eat any sausage…until I get more of YOUR sausage.”  What are you gonna do then, Guilty McGuilterson?  Bruising or starvation, what do I do?  That whole sequence just pisses me off because it is so nanny-state Edward.  “I know better for you than you know for yourself.”  Fuck you.  I’m taking the boat and getting Alice to bite me.  WHEN I’M A NEWBORN I’LL BE STRONGER THAN YOU SO I CAN SHOW YOU HOW MUCH SEX BRUISES DON’T FUCKING HURT.  Ass.

This is why Bella sucks—she has no imagination.  (Hm…maybe that’s why Edward can’t see into her mind?  Because there’s nothing there for him to see?)

The wolf powwow…holy shit.  Surpassing every cheesy Disney fear Rachel has for the Bjorn section of The Hobbit movie!  Wow.  Just wow.  I kept expecting some “Jacob…you are my grandson and the one true alpha” vision to pop out of a cloud.


They did a great job of uglying Bella up during the pregnancy.

So, that pregnancy.  Let’s ignore the fact that it makes exactly negative infinity sense even in the context of the entire series and just go with it.  Blood diet!  Losing 50% of your body weight to the parasite sucking you dry!  Spine-breaking pressure!  (Did that really make any sense?  Really?  She’s such a delicate flower that her spine BROKE under the 40 pounds of vampire baby and amniotic fluid and vampire-skin placental sac?  Or was the baby like 3 days late at that point and up to 30 pounds all on its own?)  The friend I saw this movie with leaned over and said at that point, “This is supposed to be PRO abortion, right?”


Because that’s how it came off to me, which is extra hilarious considering the whole thrust of the plot is typically a pro-life at any cost stance.  And if the entire current generation of girls grow up thinking that is what pregnancy is really like, then it’s the end of the human race. Thanks a lot, Stephenie Meyer.

Delivery scene was LAME.  L.A.M.E.  Where was Edward ripping out chunks of uterus and spitting them to the side?  Where was gushing blood and nom-nom-nom sound effects?  It was not a harrowing ordeal.  What was more harrowing was watching Edward waste time explaining himself to Jacob (and the audience) instead of hustling his ass to save his wife.  It’s like even he was bored with the plot by then.

Also where was the “Jacob, you can give her a child” moment of surpassing awkwardness?  That was the worst!  It should have been in here because it was so horrible!

Funniest meta-moment of all time:  Jacob not objecting to “Renesmee” when he had the chance.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that’s the name you get to scream in passion for the rest of your life forever.  Edward as the doting father will no doubt be THRILLED to know his daughter’s name is like impotence in a bottle.  Renesmee.  The least sexy name on the face of the earth.  Excellent choice, in Dad’s opinion.

So yeah.  Jacob and the imprinting on the baby.  The creepiest moment in kids’ lit since Count Olof tried to marry Violet Baudelaire when she was 14. Although Jacob wins that contest, hands down.  I mean, it’s not even a question, despite the whole speech about being what “she needs you to be…brother…protector…totally avuncular and not pedophiliac werewolf buddy.”  Don’t worry, y’all, it only gets creepier from here once we realize the baby grows exponentially too, and she will be physically a nubile adult while still only seven or eight chronologically speaking.  Think Edward makes Jacob wait until she’s 18?  I mean, he had to wait till he was a HUNDRED and 18….

So the whole time Bella’s body is getting pretty again with the CG I kept thinking, this is a giant inconsistency with the book…how is she getting hot again when Alice stayed “painfully thin” when she turned?  If being starved is a medical condition the vampire venom heals wouldn’t it have worked on Alice, too?

My biggest take-away is that after four movies and eight (or is nine by now?) interminable hours of this saga on the big screen, I still want to scream “Mike Dexter!” every time Carlisle gets like half a second of face time.

Also Jasper is still super hot.  I am actually excited to see him through Bella’s new eyes next time, all scarred up and battle-hardened and shit.  Yum.

Anyway, the movie splits at a logical place, the point where the events stop being about Edward and Bella and start being about the Cullens and the Volturi.  There was something I really liked in that Volturi scene…someone had a great line.  Damn.  Cannot remember it.  I can’t decide if I want to be annoyed about them putting the Volturi’s motives out there or if it saves a character from having to make an explanation about it later.  The story (or, you know, “story”) remained just as stupid as it was in the book.  Maybe stupider since I had forgotten most of it and drowned out the rest with various fan-fiction alternate endings.

SIX MORE MONTHS AND THE NIGHTMARE IS FINALLY OVER WITH, YOU GUYS!

6 thoughts on “Breaking Dawn Part 1 – Review (With Illustrations!)

  1. Errant Knave

    Wow. Hats off to the two of you for not just going through the movie experience, but for doing such an extensive recap of it afterwards. I saw Breaking Dawn on opening weekend (I’m still not sure how that happened), and the only good part was laughing at the unintentionally funny bits. This recap has only added to the comedy, so I commend you.

    Some choice quotes:
    “Bella…that is a food baby. Your body image is terrible.”
    Renesmee’s name is “impotence in a bottle.”
    And, of course, “barf barf wanna kill myself, barf.”

    Well done.

    Reply
  2. Elena Nola

    The recap was therapy! It’s how we moved on from the horror of sitting through the film…hence the mst3k frame. Glad to hear you made it out alive, too! If you’re a dude like your name suggest i hope it had the “broadway muscial” effect for ya 🙂 ~E

    Reply
  3. Errant Knave

    Dude? Yes. I’m not sure what the Broadway musical effect is, but once the shock of sitting in the theatre wore off, I just started laughing at the unintentionally funny bits. In the end, I came away thinking that the movie was just bad, where I was expecting it to be terrible. Mind you, reading this recap makes me want to reassess my judgement.

    Reply
    1. Elena Nola

      It’s a South Park reference. I am making a sweeping assumption and assuming a lady friend, or a special lady, requested your escort. If you went on your own it’s a moot point. 🙂

      As to downgrading it retroactively from bad to terrible thanks to our deconstruction: happy to be of service!

      Reply
      1. Errant Knave

        Not just one, but three! My sisters are huge fans, and one sister’s boyfriend said that if he was being forced to go on his birthday, then I could tough it out. He had a point.

        I suspect that the last thing you two critics want to read is a bit more about Breaking Dawn, but if catharsis is your thing, there is this… (Warning: explicit language.)
        http://www.cracked.com/article_19582_if-twilight-4-was-10-times-shorter-100-times-more-honest.html

        Reply

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