The movie which picks up a decade after the events in Clash of the Titans, finds Perseus; Demigod son of Zeus; attempting to get away from it all, living a quieter and simpler life. It’s one thing to live a humble life when you’re secretly rich, it’s another to turn down powers of a deity. It would be like being the genie from Disney’s Aladdin, accessing semi-phenomenal, nearly cosmic powers.
To make it more corny, not only has Perseus turned down all this power, but he’s a single dad, just trying to do right by his kid. They just needed to give him a prison tattoo, a cowboy hat, and a patriotic country song. It would have completed the translation of Greek Mythology to modern day pretend values. The kid is ten years old and named Helius. So did Perseus give up the power before having a son, or was it the first thing he did going mad with power?
Perseus: “Hey baby. I’m the son of God.”
Slave girl: “You don’t look like Jesus.”
Perseus: “No, I mean Zeus.”
Slave girl: “Oh. You’re one of those. Meh.”
Meanwhile, on a plane of existence not privy to mortal eyes but amazingly looks like bright and shiny 3D, the Gods are having a spat. The Greek pantheon is losing precious power due to a loss in human devotion; they find the lack of faith disturbing. Without the power to frivolously smack around humans, turn into a myriad of beasts to mate them with, or even throw lavish parties, the Gods are no longer able to sustain their lowest priority of power consumption: Keep the Titans imprisoned. Especially Kronos, cheesed off father of the Gods.
They have enough power to create, raise, and release a giant Ninja Turtle called the Kraken, yet they’re running out of power. This is like the great energy crisis that’ll hit humans one day. We’ll be too busy zipping around in gas guzzling SUVs to care and then one day, blam! Not enough energy to make instant noodles. On that day I will lose it.
An excerpt from the official movie description:
“… Kronos, father of the long-ruling brothers Zeus, Hades and Poseidon. The triumvirate had overthrown their powerful father long ago, leaving him to rot in the gloomy abyss of Tartarus, a dungeon that lies deep within the cavernous underworld. Perseus cannot ignore his true calling when Hades, along with Zeus’ godly son, Ares (Edgar Ramírez), switch loyalty and make a deal with Kronos to capture Zeus. The Titans’ strength grows stronger as Zeus’ remaining godly powers are siphoned, and hell is unleashed on earth. Enlisting the help of the warrior Queen Andromeda (Rosamund Pike), Poseidon’s demigod son, Argenor (Toby Kebbell), and fallen god Hephaestus (Bill Nighy), Perseus bravely embarks on a treacherous quest into the underworld to rescue Zeus, overthrow the Titans and save mankind.”
The original 1981 Clash of the Titans wasn’t that good to begin with. It was an excuse to run around with swords and fight claymation monsters. While the original movie was fun in it’s way, the remake didn’t really give me the nostalgia I was looking for. It actually put me to sleep in theaters until I was startled awake by the sound of a kraken roaring. What chance does Kronos the lava monster have against a ninja turtle in keeping me awake? Yes, that’s Kronos and that’s Perseus flying towards Kronos on Pegasus wielding lightning bolts of Zeus. I think that’s near the end of the movie. Then there the Makhai spinning around with four arms and swords. It reminded me a lot of Optimus Prime in Transformers doing robot jujitsu.
Originally I was excited to see the movie and thought the trailer music rocked; The Bird and the Worm by the Used. Now that I’ve felt the sting of disappointment, not even Marilyn Manson’s cover of Sweet Dreams can get me motivated to watch the sequel.
Check out the trailers for Wrath of the Titans below.