Episode 4: Garden of Bones

 

Elena: So is Qarth going to be as awesome as it seems like it will be?

Rachel: Qarth is…well, it is Qarth. Dany’s storyline begins a fundamental change here, maybe not in what you would expect from her as a character, but from what you would expect from GRRM as an author. Dany has been relentlessly journeying up until now, and with each stop on her journey she’s added another skillset, another aspect of her personality. She is definitely more than the unsure young girl who wishes to go home; now she’s a canny survivor. Qarth will teach her to be an effective politician.

I’m not going to lie and say that book readers don’t sometimes complain about Dany’s storyline. Maybe she will just sit in Qarth for a while, but dammit, she’s going to LEARN STUFF. Just you wait. Lore building! Baths! Cool dresses! Interpersonal relationship building!

Meanwhile from what I’ve seen so far of Qarth, I’m totally happy. I am not going to bitch about the lack of boobie-revealing dresses (really…I’m not), and I’m totally fine with Xaro being a summer islander. The line was kind of weirdly delivered, but whatever. Qarth is a multicultural city. The milk-men of Qarth are definitely present. SO EVERYONE JUST CALM THE HELL DOWN ABOUT IT. I mean… if I don’t ever hear another race-based complaint from the Game of Thrones fandom…well, that would make my damn life..

Also…Pyat Pree looks like a Star Wars character. Not like a Sith or anything, just one of those random background Naboo politicians with questionable morality.

Who am I kidding.. Pyat Pree IS A STAR WARS CHARACTER.

Elena: So…can we talk about that field nurse Robb decided he wants for his queen?

Because that scene was pretty fabulous.  She’s fabulous.

I’m not sure if her strategy for man-catching is brilliant or not.  Walk onto a battlefield and look all brave and compassionate and did I mention brave?  And then saw a guy’s foot off—and, come on, y’all, that was not a one-clean hack and it’s done kind of amputation but literally sawing through the flesh and the bone, grind, grind, grind, crunch, ah THERE it goes finally and then the foot falls off into the mud, thunk—and then stand up totally unaffected by what you just did and tell off a king.

Damn.

Girl’s got brass balls the size of Grey Wind’s.

And Robb noticed.  He was straight, I’m King in the North…I live by the old ways…I need a woman who is strong enough to deal with that…and even more I need a wife who will question me sometimes because, y’all, I’m not even 20 and I don’t have people second-guessing me anymore and secretly deep down inside I could use the certainty that comes after a good honest debate wherein I am forced to consider things I didn’t think of and make logical defenses of my decisions…HER!  THIS ONE!  I MUST MARRY HER! IT IS A SIGN FROM THE OLD GODS!

No, that’s not right.  That comes later, when Robb thinks it over and has to figure out how to justify breaking the alliance his mother made for him.  For now he was just like OMG-she-is-a-hot-BAB (bad-ass bitch), and then his eyes turned into hearts like zombie-Albie and for five seconds GOT turned into a romantic comedy, Westeros edition (because that line?  “At least tell me your name!”—that line has been in pretty much every rom-com about a beautiful stranger since the beginning of time). Hey, maybe that’s what the whole series is. I don’t know yet.

So, her strategy?  Brilliant.  Brilliant because it worked.  (Yes, I realize she is not actually trying to catch any man’s attention by being a nurse.  I’m just saying it was such a tactically excellent move that if it had been her strategy it would have been the bestest strategy ever.)

Rachel…thoughts?

 

Rachel: JEYNE! Or as she is called in the show, Talisa from Volantis. Can I just…can I just call bullshit right now on “Talisa from Volantis”? I’m gonna. Here I go.

GURL. WE KNOW YOU’RE JEYNE WESTERLING. Now, whether the character is lying to protect herself from Robb OR the producers have changed her name a la Asha…I don’t care. I’m just going to call her Jeyne Westerling. I’ve dedicated a great amount of space in my head to remembering names of fake people, and I just don’t have room for fake names of fake people, too.

Let’s trust that the average Game of Thrones viewer can tell the different between a smart move and a dumb move…and leave it at that. (I know that the producers don’t trust that the average Game of Thrones viewer is anything else but an 11 year old boy searching for stimulation and violence…but let’s PRETEND).

I’m starting to get negative.

Elena: Can you be negative about Joffrey?

Rachel: I like Joffrey. Well, I mean I like to hate Joffrey, which is the same as liking the character because HE ISN’T REAL so you can’t actually dislike him for real because none of the terrible things he does actually happened.

But even though he didn’t actually make Ros the adorably (sarcasm) inserted prostitute stand-in horribly abuse and rape another nameless prostitute…I still hate him for it. This was such a weird scene to watch, because I knew it was coming. Fans had been discussing this particular scene (fabricated for the show) for a few days online prior to the episode airing. Calling it the most disturbing sex scene they had ever seen, a totally unnecessary scene, a scene that pushed the limits of cable broadcasting, etc., etc., etc.

I agree that the scene was unnecessarily disturbing. I think we get it, we hate Joffrey. Was there anyone out there that needed an extra push? However, because I was prepared for uncalled for depravity I wasn’t as throw-remote across-the-room, scream-at-everyone-around-you disgusted as many. I did turn to my friends and put my hands in the air like, “just another weird thing we had to sit through.”

Speaking of additionally weird things – Littlefinger using Ned’s bones as a come on was fucking dumb. Littlefinger is smarter than that. The only way I can live with it is to continually think all out of character behavior is masterminded to confuse us! YOU’RE SO CRAFTY LITTLEFINGER!

< / end ranty bullshit >

Elena: See, I find it interesting that people who read the books thought that scene was unnecessary.  I think it was, maybe not necessary but at least useful, in making it clear that Joffrey is not just some spoiled child who wants to kill everyone who disagrees with him who is in the unfortunate position of being able to order that done.  No.  He is a straight sadist.  He might very well have gotten his nuts off watching Ros beat and maybe antler-rape her fellow whore, just…not by engaging with them himself.

And this was far from the most disturbing sex scene I’ve seen.  Please.  I’m not saying it wasn’t disturbing or awful, but…it had nothing on, say, Irreversible.  And pushing the boundaries of cable TV?  How?  All it actually showed was an ass-spanking.  Ros raised her hand in such a way as to imply maybe there was just more beating rather than penetration, and I’m sure that was done to soften the blow, which I find kind of a cop-out on HBO’s part.  You can’t actually show it, fine, but at least have the balls to be clear about what’s happening after the screen goes black.

Also, can I point out how monumentally poor Tyrion’s choice of whores was?  Normally he’s more savvy.  But I looked at the difference between Joffrey and those two women and was kind of like, no wonder he’s not interested.  They were both so obviously older than him.  And he is a slender young man, with a very boyish look.  Most men like to feel big and powerful around women, ergo they like women who are smaller than they are, or at the very least the same size.  Both of these women were bigger than Joffrey, because they are ADULTS, and he is so very obviously not.  Tyrion should have had Littlfinger’s brothel send a couple of 16-year-olds who’ve been at it since they were children (since you know Littlefinger has child-sex on offer somewhere, so he’d have the personnel for this) who would be Joffrey’s age and on his same juvenile scale.

There might also have been an aspect of the women’s experience versus his inexperience.  Fumbling virgins feel much more comfortable with other fumbling virgins than with someone who is uber-experienced and (in your head, at least) going to laugh at you for not knowing how to do any of it.

Rachel: So, Elena, is Melisandre magical?

Elena: SHADOWBABY OMG! I give up. Melisandre is magical.

Rachel: CORRECTION –  Melisandre’s VAGINA is magical. Did I not tell you? DID I NOT TELL YOU? So yeah, shadowbaby. Coming at ya. The look on Davos’ face is probably my favorite moment. First he’s all, “Don’t talk about my wife.” Then he’s all, “HOLY CRAP WHAT IS COMING OUT OF YOU?” Poor Davos. Shit just got real for him. Methinks Melisandre is not going anywhere soon. Much to Davos’ discomfort.

And then you think about Stannis and his 13 men vs Renly and his 100,000 and (minus a peach, grrr) how much their little bitchy feuding does not matter because MAGIC. Plus a million to Stannis. You don’t know what Team Stannis is doing with said magic yet, but you know it is magic, and magic automatically gets plus a million. It’s the law.

Yeah, Renly has Margaery on his team, so don’t count Team Peach out…but MAGIC.

Elena: That was super-fucked up.  I scrawled WTFFFF (what the fucking fucking fucking fuck, naturally) in my notes for this scene.

I am still creeped out about shadowbaby.  I am worried for everyone in Renly’s camp. I have this fear that shadowbaby will take over everyone’s brain in the camp and then Stannis has the 100,000-man army and his red woman and shadowbaby, and yikes, y’all.  It’s going to be shadowbaby drones vs white walkers vs dragons at the end.

I vote dragons. TEAM DANAERYS KHALEESI STORMBORN!

Speaking of dark and creepy things…why is Harrenhal like Isengard?

Rachel: Well Moff Elena, Isengard is a place useless little hobbits go when their hiking leader is brutally killed by douches to learn how to not be useless.

They also go to learn how to torture people with rats.

They also go to get wine (More wine, sir?) for Tywin BAMF Lannister. Which you fucking DO, because being a cup bearer is way better than being a smith or a dead guy hanging from a gibbet. Plus, you can learn things when you’re allowed to stand in corners of rooms occupied by BAMFs.

Also, it looks like Lannister guards have officially been combined with the Mountain and his men. Plausible, considering the Mountain is a Lannister banner-man. It’s fine. This eliminates needless scurrying about the countryside, and as long as they keep Arya’s litany…then I don’t think anyone will have a problem understanding who is who.

Plus next week it looks like we get more Jaqen H’ghar! * fangirl screaming * Okay…just me screaming.