Elena:  Renly died! I CALLED IT! Four episode arc. I WIN!

Rachel: Yes, I barely contained myself when you predicted Renly would last four episodes. Good job! And now that I’ve successfully won my campaign of convincing you magic exists in this world, I expect you to predict lots more!

I’m not sure I think opening with Renly’s death was the best idea? I don’t know. I agree it was a splendid cliffhanger for episode 4, but now that is has lost its momentum, seeing Shadowbaby come in and kill Renly was kind of a “duh” moment. Maybe I’m being harsh because I already know what is going to happen. I did enjoy Brienne’s emotion. I argued with another fan who said that Brienne being so emotional when she hadn’t had any lines up until then was hard to believe, but, frankly, Brienne’s story is not about her being devoted to Renly. Her story begins with Renly’s death.

As for this “controversy” that Loras wasn’t given ENOUGH emotion in his mourning scene…I’m giving you the stank eye, GoT fandom. IT’S HAPPENING. Right now. …… can you feel it? Loras was totally devoid of emotion in that scene with Margaery and Littlefinger! He was empty! The love of his life is dead on a table in front of him, and he is not dealing, you guys. I thought it was a much more powerful choice than to have him beating his chest and yelling, especially on the heels of the scene with Brienne. This way it doesn’t feel like a rehash. Neither steals the glory from the other.

But speaking of that scene…gosh, I heart Margaery! I’m so glad they’ve expanded her for this show, and we get to see her more. Littlefinger is deftly maneuvering as always, while Margaery takes advantage of the only avenue to power left on the table at the moment. It’s a great scene completely filled with all those key events in the future that book readers love. BAM. This is when the show is good. This is when I can walk proudly and say I am a fan of the show as well as the books. More of this, HBO. MORE!

Rachel: Is this what you thought Shadowbaby would amount to? Are you disappointed you didn’t get a zombie army?

Elena: I am not totally surprised that we didn’t end up with a demon army, if only because we’re maybe halfway through book 2 of 7 at this point. So a demon army seems a bit…unlikely at this point in the narrative. I feel like that will happen at the end, that the series comes down to everyone waking up from their petty power play when seven armies of supernatural shit converge. You’ve got White Walkers versus Shadowbaby-demon army and just when the world’s about to get overrun, Dany and her dragons swoop in, burn them all, save Sansa, and claim the Iron Throne.  Can’t wait.  But that’s the end of the series, not book 2 stuff.

That being said, it was kind of anticlimactic that all Shadowbaby did was kill Renly.  I mean, I guess that’s all Shadowbaby needed to do, but the high point of that sequence was definitely Davos’ face during the birth and not the actual outcome of the black magic.

Rachel: Brienne is working for Cat now, this can only go well.

Elena:  That pairing makes a really odd sense (well, wouldn’t have seen it coming but now that it’s done it makes total sense kind of odd sense) to me.  I am not Cat’s biggest fan, but I actually got chills when she gave her vow back to Brienne.  Say what you want about CTS, she has learned the dignity and honor of the north pretty well by this point.  And that is a great place for Brienne, because Brienne actually is an honorable knight.  She has to out-knight the male knights to prove she’s qualified, so while they can run around putting themselves on Arya’s Jaqen H’ghar death list (I’m looking at you, Mountain), she has to play by the formal rules of chivalry and oath and loyalty and honor.

I also think, though, that she and Cat have to be very careful not to bring out the worst in each other when it comes to dealing with people who don’t have something to prove regarding honor and whatnot.  I guess I’m suggesting here that Cat might be in some small way driven by a motivation to prove she IS a true northerner and a proper Lady Stark, which is more important now than ever since Robb isn’t just Lord of Winterfell but King in the North and she is one of his designated proxies.  Anyway, though, one of the hardest things for people who are really good at living by a set code to do is not judge the people who can’t/don’t, or who live by a code they cannot comprehend.  As Rachel suggests, this pairing may go poorly for everyone they come into contact with….

Rachel: What do you think about Bran’s expanding “powers”? And Rickon? Rickon is my favorite character btw. From now on and forever. Rickon for King!!!!

Elena: Rickon?  Who’s Rickon?  Do you mean BAM-BAM?  I know we talked about fake names for characters and how, no, but…that’s what he was doing at the table!  Just banging away like a fucking heathen.  Bam-bam Stark, so say I, so mote it be.  Also because…does Rickon even know his own name at this point?  I think Cat might be a little bit late in getting back to him.  Ser Rodrick and Maester Luwen obviously don’t have a mother’s touch with taming a half-feral possibly autistic child.  Clearly Cat had all the magic there (can you hear my sarcasm—okay, fine, that was so season 1 and now we’ve all forgotten about how she couldn’t do anything for any of her other children when Bran was maybe dying…oh, wait…).

Speaking of Bran, yes, I’m so glad they are getting more into his dreams.  And I hope Theon’s visit to Winterfell will be instructive for Bran when it comes to dream interpretation.  Because what else was the Theta Chi president suggesting with his cryptic “but that would mean—” remark except a pantyraid on Winterfell?

Good thing Bam-bam doesn’t even know what underwear are.  I wish Theon all the luck getting back on his pirate ship once his crew realizes there was nothing at Winterfell to plunder except one wildling female prisoner and the links in Maester Luwen’s chain.

Rachel: Also, Asha is the greatest troll in all of Westeros.

Elena: Speaking of people with one line in the is episode…Quaithe? Is her entire purpose to pop up randomly spouting vague shit I can’t remember?

Rachel:  Ding ding ding ding ding! Oh, Quaithe. Here is the thing about her and the trope she represents – the prophet trope. HOW DO THEY REMEMBER? Not the prophets, because they’re obsessed, and I totally get them remembering it; no, how do the main characters remember? Some whack-a-doo pops up spouting cryptic messages that are LONG and complicated and you’re supposed to be able to remember each of the parts and in which order? No. Sorry, no.

Lots of fans are also pretty mad about Xaro. I don’t see the point in changing him from gay to straight. One of the main reasons Dany refuses Xaro, besides being canny on her own sometimes without Jorah’s council, the fact that Xaro wants one of Dany’s dragons in exchange for the ships (and the marriage, but whatever), is that Dany doesn’t want to marry a gay guy no matter how he can help her regain her throne. This girl has NEEDS, and this girl will not settle for anything less than some more fresh Drogoey meat.  (I say this with the knowledge that Dany and her handmaids often partake in um…stress relieving behavior. Thus proving my point that Dany has NEEDS.) Which is why I get so EMBARASSED for Jorah and his little girl crush. It’s at once kind of romantic and also nauseating. Embarrassing to watch but also juicy? I should stop.

But yes, Quaithe. Did you like her mask? I thought her mask looks like if Spiderman needed a mask but all he had were those little balsa wood chips you make fake shingles for doll houses out of….But then again Pyat Pree looks like a Sith Senator, so I guess Qarth is just a weird city in a land far away, made of dreams and bits of charred meat.

Elena: Qarth is obviously a con.  Also I am totally going to be Quaithe for Halloween and one of my Ren Faire days this fall.  Gotta start memorizing some good prophecies, though. Cause, yo, Rachel’s right, how am I supposed to remember all that shit?

Wait, what are we talking about?

Rachel: Oh right, Tyrion!

Elena: I wasn’t talking about Tyrion.

Rachel: Yes, Tyrion and Bronn and what you have so delightfully dubbed as “their trip to the set of Rome”. Which is the only excuse for that teeny tiny caravan that Tyrion is hanging out in when he utterly pwns Lancel (More wine, sir?). And then he’s strolling the grossest bits of the city sans guards with just Bronn by his side?

I just don’t think that is plausible. He’d be on a HORSE, or something. The Lannisters are not well-liked at this point, not by the peasant class anyways. People are calling him “demon monkey” in broad daylight! Guy needs to be on a horse for his own safety. This is when the show is strange. Not pull your hair out bad or anything, just strange. Was it extras cost double day when they were filming?

Meanwhile Roy Dotrice cameoing as the pyromancer was a stroke of genius. For anyone who doesn’t know, Dotrice narrates the audiobooks though he is also a screen actor. He was just SO excited to be melting flesh like tallow. Isn’t it nice? That George envisions a world where people find meaningful work no matter their destructive impulses? Very enlightened.

Rachel: Cersei – petty or actually retarded?

Elena:  It depends on whether she has really left the defenses of the city to Joffrey (or herself, for that matter), or if she just told that to Tyrion to be a bitch.  I don’t think either of them have the tactical chops to really be the military leader in a time of unrest, you know?

The wildfire solution really does have Cersei’s stamp on in, though, doesn’t it?  Roach on your plate?  Burn the table!  Better yet, burn the whole dining room!  Daddy will buy me a new one!

My concern is this.  You have 7000 barrels plus whatever pyromancer can make in the meantime if he can resist the pissing on it experiment.  How far does that really go against 100,000 men and ships?  Maybe you have enough to burn Stannis’s army to ash.  Fine.  What happens when Robb Stark’s army gets there?  What about the king beyond the wall (cause you know even with Jon Snow Who Knows Where to Put It’s promotion that avalanche ain’t gonna be stopped from rolling down the mountain)?  Seven thousand barrels since the time of mad king Aerys isn’t really all that much of a safeguard if it’s your only defense.

Elena: Anyway.  Going back to beyond the beyond, what the big deal about this Halfhand guy who shows up at the mountain camp and apparently needs no introduction?

Rachel: Qhorin Halfhand! He’s the great ranger of the Night’s Watch is all! Famous South of the wall, well, okay, famous as far South as Winterfell. The way Southerner’s might feel about Barristan Selmy is how Northerner’s feel about the Halfhand. He’s the batman of winter. Jon would obviously jump at the chance to go on a mission with the guy.

Just go with it. He’s a bad ass. He’s only got half a hand.

It was definitely sweet of Sam to automatically take up Jon’s duties because he wants to eliminate all of Jon’s barriers to do what he has always wanted to do. I hate to see Sam and Jon split up for any length of time, but as long as Jon has Ghost, he’ll be fine. Right? I mean, I didn’t see Ghost. I heard he was there. I just imagine they CGI some floaty red eyes in the snow and call it a day.

Elena: Sam is the bestest friend evah!  Also.  Why am I so strangely attracted to Jaqen H’ghar?

Rachel:  If you weren’t I would expect there to be something wrong with you. There’s just something about a weird dude with bad hair who talks about himself in the third person, ya know? Actually … I have no idea. He has this effect in the book as well, so we can’t blame it on the admittedly beauteous casting. I think it’s because guy gets shit DONE. That is attractive in a book full of devious twisty plots. With Jaqen it is simple. The man has a debt. The man pays his debt. The girl and the man are even.

HAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA.  (This is me laughing and pointing and hyperventilating along with all the other theory hounds out there. We are legion.)

Anways, Harrenhal. Place keeps getting better! Actually it does. Jaqen, Shirtless Gendry, and now Arya is on Team More Water, Sir? That scene between Arya and Tywin is pretty amazing. Not afraid dude. NOT AFRAID. Hell yes, Arya. Kick Ass. Take ALL THE NAMES. Remember them. Say them at night. Never forget.