Episode 2: The Night Lands
Elena: What was so fucked up about the last 15 minutes that got you all riled on Twitter?
Rachel: Right, so to explain without being spoilery – I went to bat for this show’s last episode saying that it could end up being better than the books, and this week the show reminded me why that will never happen. I get that everything needs to be simplified, but I feel like they are writing to the lowest common denominator. I.e., We gotta write boobs and we gotta take out anything that requires brain cells to understand. This oversimplification results in scenes like the one between Stannis and Melisandre. A complicated and by no means confirmed suspicion of Davos’ in the novels becomes a hypocritical sex scene, and I don’t think it’s good writing.
Lots of fans think Melisandre and Stannis are lovers. Fine. It’s up for interpretation, so any opinion is valid. But Stannis goes to great lengths to prove to people that he is not a hypocrite and simple seduction is NOT at the heart of that relationship. No WAY is that all there is to it. Stannis does things because they are right, and he does what needs to be done to keep the right way. Seduction should not work on the Lobster King. If he is seduced it’s not because of Melisandre’s boobs and CERTAINLY not because she can give him a son. Stannis would not be interested in a bastard son. He just WOULDN’T. So that entire scene was dumb. And humph.
Elena: Speaking of boobs…Any thoughts on the Ros/Littlefinger scene as it relates to the exposition of his character on screen vs in the book?
Rachel: Well, Ros isn’t in the books. Didn’t you know that? You know that. She’s entirely made up. So Ros exists entirely as a tool of exposition. Mostly for Littlefinger at this point. In the books we know Littlefinger is sly because everyone says so. The show feels the need to actually give us examples of his cunning and wit. So it lulls us repeatedly into thinking he’s a decent person and then BAM – reminds us that he is the person you should trust the least. Poor Ros. If I were her I would tread carefully. Littlefinger talks to her too much and we know he regards knowledge as power.
She also exists for boobs.
Elena: On to happier subjects! What did you think of Yarra Asha? I know you heart her so…did they do her justice?
Rachel: Dude, (can I call y’all ‘Dude’?) Asha was AWESOME! Gemma Whelan even had the walk down. She’s snarky, confident, cool, she’s got leather pants! Can’t wait to see her throw an axe around!
The people who are all up in arms about how Asha “isn’t hot enough” should really re-examine how they interact with society. Asha is plenty hot and Gemma’s costume and makeup is appropriate for the character. Asha the character isn’t alluring or desirable because her face is pleasantly symmetrical and she wears eyeliner and boob hoisters – it’s because she’s a warrior woman who gives orders and splits heads. She’s always got something smart ass to say (Greyjoy trait), and to compare her to Melisandre – she’s also a woman of agency. It’s not about getting married or protecting her children or even her “maidenhood” (Asha would make a dirty joke here). It’s about paying the iron price. Done.
Haters to the Wall!
PS – does everyone else think that the Greyjoy armor is going to be the best armor out of all the armor?
What is your opinion on the Greyjoys so far?
Elena: They are…not what I expected. I don’t know what I did expect. Something more like Baratheons on the Sea, perhaps? Even knowing that the father rebelled and all that did not prepare me for meeting them. I am FASCINATED by their family ethos. They are like…House Pirate. Or maybe House Honey Badger (the Honey Badger doesn’t give a shit. It takes what it wants! Oh, it’s eating grubs? That’s nasty—but it’s hungry! Honey Badger doesn’t give a fuck).
I just…I loved the iron price. I loved him calling Theon a nancy boy. I loved Balon’s point about “I am not going to let someone put a crown on my head, I’ll win it for myself.” And Yarra Asha was awesome! She’s the first woman we’ve seen who is grabbing power and influence on the strength of her own self rather than her family. I mean, yes, she is a Greyjoy and all the brothers are gone, but instead of letting the house fall into despair or pin its hopes on Theon she has stepped into that void and made the fact of her sex irrelevant.
Also…what happened to Theon? He didn’t turn out a proper Stark or a proper Greyjoy. He just fails on all levels. And he looks like a terrible lay. Theon…the Theta Chi president of Westeros.
And, yes, their armor is going to be AWESOME.
Rachel: Tyrion is in top form but I’m not sure how wise it is to challenge Varys, what do you think?
Elena: Is Tyrion challenging him? Or just telling him to tread lightly? Sometimes a display of power is all you need to make diplomacy look a little more viable…I took it as Tyrion saying, “don’t fuck with me because I can and will do something about it.” Which is a little different from saying, hey Varys, I’m going to replace you as spymaster. I mean, I guess since no one knows Varys’ game anything that interferes with what he wants to do—which could easily be a hand of strong will and intelligence and at least some treachery, like Tyrion—might be a challenge to him, but I took it more as Varys and Tyrion feeling out each other rather than an actual challenge.
Tyrion’s Axiom of the Week: I’m not Ned Stark. I understand how this game is played.
Rachel: Gendry and Arya should get their own books/series, agree?
Elena: They would make an excellent sword and sorcery type adventuring pair. They definitely need to just say fuck Westeros and sail off into the wide blue yonder. As far as we know this planet isn’t Waterworld, so, you know, there’s other continents out there. And obviously Salador Saan does just fine as a pirate, so that’s always an option. I would read that, especially if it had the promise implicit in all non-GRRM/GRRM-derived fantasy that the main characters won’t fucking die. But, yeah, the two of them were hilarious together! And hilarious with the other parts of the To The Wall Contingent. So maybe the going off alone doesn’t actually work.
Anyway, Gendry surprised me. I expected him to be…dumb. Yes, I have that academic-nerd prejudice about jocks, and I assumed something about a blacksmith apprentice. He’s not dumb. He may not be edumucated, but he’s well spoken and funny and insightful. I look forward to more Gendry.
Also I hope Yoren continues to be such a badass protectorate if Joffrey’s minions come back.
(And speaking of Joffrey: hahahahaha I totally called that it was him and not Cersei behind the dead babies! I win!)
What did you think of Hotpie and friends?
Rachel: Hotpie looks exactly like how I pictured him in my head, and Lommy Greenhands ACTUALLY HAD GREEN HANDS, ELENA! Give that costume design team an Emmy. Just do it. DO IT FOR LOMMY!
We’ve also got Rorge, Biter and Jaqen H’ghar! And I actually can’t say a damn thing about them without spoiling you so let’ s just say they are criminals. Which was obvious. I liked ’em!
Sam’s plan to save Gilly is hilariously bad—how do you feel about what is shaping up north of the wall?
Elena: Sam is so easily manipulated by the first girl person who calls him brave. I would say I am surprised he’s behaving this way, considering what his father did to him, but part of it is probably his projecting what he would have liked someone to do for him (step in and save him/help him), and part of it is that maybe he realizes her father treats her even more shittily than his father treated him.
But the plan was just…stupid. Has Sam like….never actually seen a pregnant woman? Because I don’t think that’s going to work out too well on a march across the frozen north.
As a side note: did Sam read romance novels or something? Given that he’s said he’s read about sex and birthing babies? What kind of library did his father have?
Also…what the fuuuuuck are they doing still at Craster’s? Did they have to rebuild his hold in exchange for a night’s shelter? NOT WORTH IT.
Rachel: Ah, yes. Camping with Craster. That is what I call all the bullshit filler in tv/novels/movies from now on. BECAUSE WHY ARE THEY STILL CAMPING AT CRASTER’S? This isn’t the first time the show has struggled with the passage of time, but even if you haven’t read the books it is weird. In the last episode the Lord Commander said they wouldn’t be staying long, and Theon is journeying, and Arya and Gendry are journeying, and Dany is dying in the wilderness so we know at least a few weeks have gone by! Except in the North where time … passes more slowly because time is very cold.
I guess in editing they decided they didn’t want to really move the Jon Snow plot line until later in the season so they would just…keep them camping at Craster’s.
Which sounds kind of like a terrible local access television show about….
Nevermind.
Rachel: It’s also really sad that Live-Action Aladdin died. Let’s have a moment of silence for Rakharo.
Want more? Then check out the latest episode of Team More Wine Sir as we pour more wine and talk more about “The Nightlands”!
