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Playing The Game of Thrones with Season 2 Ep: 8 “The Prince of Winterfell”

Elena: You were ambivalent about the Jaime scenes last week. What did you think of them this time?

Rachel: It may have been a bad call for Cat to release Jaime, and it certainly makes things extremely difficult for Robb – who will need as many people not mad at him as possible – but it has facilitated one of my very favorite side plots in all of Westeros: The Brienne and Jaime Show!

We only got a quick taste of it this episode, but I can ASSURE you that it is awesome. Jaime plays the lovable rogue, and Brienne is his ever-suffering straight man. He quips, she grimaces. He’s so very charming, and she is just…not. Brinne is touchy about her honor while Jaime is merely stretching his newly freed douche muscles. I’m not sure how smart it is to abandon your horse and get in a canoe with no provisions…but I’m sure SOMETHING will happen. * innocent face *

I’m also glad to just plain see more Brienne and Jaime at all. Jaime has been sadly AWOL for most of the season (it’s not very interesting sitting around in the mud), and Brienne has been relegated to the few scenes it makes sense to put Cat in, and even then she’s just glowering in the background. Brienne is such a fan favorite, I hope that the show-only fans can begin to appreciate the Maid of Tarth.

But with Brienne off escorting Jaime, Cat is alone and clearly no one likes her anymore. I wonder how much clout Cat will have when she finds out Robb is dallying with Talisa? (I think we just need to stop hoping for some more convoluted plot line and admit to ourselves that Jeyne is actually Talisa of Volantis the Noble Nurse Lady…sigh – I actually like the nurse angle I just don’t UNDERSTAND why she is from Volantis.) I’m sure Cat will remind Robb that he made a promise and despite his youthful infatuation…honor should win out. But Robb is mad at mommy right now. THE DRAMZ. It’s why we watch, my friends, it’s why we watch. Cherish your plot movement while it’s happening.

Rachel: Do you concede defeat in the Battle of Lady Talisa’s Heritage as well?

Elena: Sadly, yes, I, too, felt forced to admit that Lady Talisa is, in fact, foreign. Either that or she is Arya-level of too smart for her own good when it comes to making up stories. Which would just add a whole new layer of kinkiness to Robb’s attraction to her, if she is essentially his sister aged up a decade. Then again that IS Martin’s romantic-pairing MO….

Anyway, on behalf of all the ladies in the North I am offended that he had to import some foreign flower to entice his peen away from its honorable conquest of The Beautiful Bridge, but aside from that I guess I liked her story. It felt like a realistic reaction without having to be over the top crazy (like, say, Jon Snow’s backstory is…I mean, imagine how that’s going to go when he has to tell Ygritte everything), and while it doesn’t really explain why she’s wandering around random battlefields or where she lives or gets the money to buy supplies and shit, at least she has a reason for what she does.

Robb…I’m not so sure he’s putting too much reason into what he’s doing. What I found most interesting was that he’s basically living out Jon Snow’s fantasy of what his parents were—Lord of Winterfell and the noble lady he truly loved but could not marry because of honor and duty. Robb is creating a Jon Snow for his own son to grow up with, and his Faceless Frey bride to hate forever! She can take lessons from Cat, who is going to need something to do now that Robb has caught onto the fact that she is worse than useless when it comes to making solid leadership decisions and is keeping her under lock and key.

Rachel: Did I hear you say…Jon Snow?

Elena: Yes! Like Rumplestiltskin he just appears, whenever you say his name.

Oh, man, this was another hilarious episode above The Wall. I mean, I know there were serious moments and we learn that Jon Snow’s team went after him and two of them died trying to save him, and that’s totally sad, and Coryn Half-hand is basically telling Jon to pull a Snape Kills Dumbledore move on him later to gain the trust of the wildlings so that he can betray them to the Night’s Watch again later, and we should all feel Really Sad And Pensive About These Developments, but…come on. The whole time you have Ygritte prancing around in the background like “I’m a free woman, who’s the prisoner now?” while eye-fucking Jon Snow, and the sexual tension between them is just…steaming. Like, one of her arguments for keeping him alive was that she didn’t get to have sex with him yet. Only Jon Snow can stay emo in the face of that provocation.

Or, as Rachel put it when we were talking about this episode, only a Jon Snow determined to live up to the standard set by his father and brother would be able to stay virginal and self-righteous (and emo).

What was also great was how she basically told him (or at least us) that she had a crush on him, too…basically, “hey, you know that whole ‘all the girls would claw each other’s eyes out over you’ bit? Yeah, that was totally about me. I would claw a bitch’s eyes out if she came near you.” I mean, she could have stood there and not cared that the Lord of Bones wanted to kill him. Instead she saved him, even if she did promise to kill him if he tried to escape. I am not sure she could do it. The odds are higher that she could kill Jon Snow than vice versa, but I am not sure she’s actually that hard. Maybe she is. The fact that we’re not sure makes her more interesting. She’s not just dangerous to his worldview; she might be dangerous, period. That’s exciting.

Elena: “Exciting” was actually kind of a lightning rod buzzword around this episode. What was all this I heard about the interwebs being bored by this one?

Rachel: I’m still defending this episode as awesome. I quite enjoy when characters sit around talking at each other. I LIKE “setup.” It’s not worthless! It’s what makes all the STUFF happen! It’s character development and witty lines and people arching eyebrows (Lena wins at that, btw… she WINS).

Elena: It’s the name. I, too, am quite the master of Imperious Eyebrow Raising.

Rachel: In my continuing quest to be zen about Game of Thrones the TV show, I have to ask those who said “The Prince of Winterfell” was a throwaway episode…what the fuck do you WANT to happen? The episodes can’t be an endless string of battles (that’s what boring ass history books are for) that reduces the show to American Gladiators. Without careful setup we don’t get beautiful moments like Arya fucking over Jaqen. We don’t get Jaime calling Brienne ugly or Ygritte saying penis a hundred times. (Beautiful moments, all!)

In a bit I talk about how the upcoming House of the Undying visit will be one of the most important scenes of the series, but we’ve already seen an extremely important scene in THIS episode! Sam finding the dragonglass!

I’m sorry, did finding a cache of magical objects in the mountains BORE YOU?

“That was stupid, who gives a shit about old shit in the shitty fucking shit ground shit?!”

WHO, INDEED!

And yes, purists…the scene was changed from the original. ALL THE SCENES HAVE BEEN CHANGED. It’s part of the Zen thing I was talking about. Just breathe in and remind yourself, it is just a television show adaptation. As one of my friends pointed out, the show does not erase the books. It does not negate them! The book version of events still exist! I have said that the show could eclipse the books canonically by outpacing the novel publishing “schedule,” but that doesn’t mean the book scenes are not valid. No adaptation can or should be exactly like the source material. Different mediums, different goals, different receptions. That doesn’t make the show immune from criticisms, but I think we should just take a step back from immediately disliking something because it didn’t happen that way in the novels. If we’re going to complain about something like that it needs to be legitimate.

It’s the Zen of show watching. Let it go and just enjoy. Get mad about the things that bother you, but give yourself the courtesy of getting mad over more compelling reasons than the majority of the bullshit I see on Twitter and the message boards. The Game of Thrones fandom is too smart to give in to Comic Book Guy-itis.

Which brings me BACK to my point, excuse me while I push my glasses up and gesture excitedly at the pile of dragonglass weapons that Sam found.

LOOK! IT’S GOING TO BE SO IMPORTANT FOR REASONS I CAN NOT DIVULGE! Also, IS THAT A HORN I SAW IN THAT PILE? HOLY CRAAAAAAPPPPPP.

Rachel: Tell me I’m not alone in this!

Elena: I, too, really loved this episode. I don’t need or want every episode to be packed with action or WTFery. Variety is the spice of life. I didn’t see how anyone could have had issues with the episode until I got to work Monday. My coworkers (hi, guys! *waves*) were split as to whether it was awesome or meh. One of them wanted…more. An indefinable more he couldn’t articulate any better except to say the episode felt anti-climactic after what had been happening every week. (And here I was just grateful to be able to draw a full breath!) But one of the others decided after seeing this ep that he wouldn’t be waiting until later in the week to watch any of the remaining episodes, even if it meant taking his iPad into the bathroom for an hour on Sunday nights. Which lends an entirely new twist on the specific game of thrones being played, but I digress. Anyway. Set up is good. It is called “creating narrative tension.”

For example…if Jon Snow and Ygritte ever bone, it’s going to be so much more fun to see because it got built up for so long first. That’s just good storytelling.

Maybe the thing that made people say nothing happened was the ending, which was not really a shock but a kind of somber piece of character development. I mean, I don’t know about y’all, but the second Osha said Bran can’t know, I knew he was hearing the conversation. That’s just the way TV works. But that being the end moment kind of underscored the theme of the episode in terms of character—how do you deal with the deaths that happen because of your actions? Jon Snow got two of his new brothers killed because he couldn’t kill Ygritte or admit to his superior officer that he couldn’t do it. Arya caused the deaths of, what, four or five nameless guards who were above and beyond the even exchange of three she owed Jaqen’s “red god” and who had done nothing to her whatsoever except get in her way. And Bran is facing the reality that his quest to put himself beyond Theon’s power cost two of his tenants and playmates their lives.

Those are important moments, or at least they can be. The same way Talisa’s defining moment was being shoved aside by the slave who saved her brother, Bran could become defined by the horror of what was done because of him. Jon will fight Ygritte extra-hard because two men died because he thought she was too pretty to kill. I liked that we were left to sort of contemplate that…not guilt, exactly, but something uncomfortably close to it, with Bran. The scene had a quiet power to it, at least for me.

Elena: And in scenes that didn’t have much power…am I the only one who wondered why we didn’t just skip Dany the way we skipped Sansa this week?

Rachel: Remember when I made that bitter joke about plot movement? That’s my segue to talking about Jorah and Dany. Deal with it.

I think I agree with the viewers that have criticized Jorah and Dany’s appearance in this episode. This scene was not needed. The writers/editors don’t want the viewers to forget about Dany in all this excitement about the upcoming battle of awesome, so I understand why the scene was inserted. But it’s just more of the SAME. I thought that adding in this subplot of the dragons being stolen would make Dany’s storyline more interesting, but I think all it’s done is killed the actually interesting (if few) things that actually DO happen to Dany in the novels. They can’t use any of it anymore, because those actions don’t make sense if her dragons were stolen. This alternate universe Dany has to focus entirely on the search for her children. (And come ON, Jorah…she actually DID nurse those dragons. Dany is mom enough.) So she isn’t forging political connections, she isn’t gaining confidence in her desire to reconquer Westeros. There are no witty but cautious word fights with the elite of Qarth. Instead she has been reduced to stomping around the city demanding people support her cause and now just demanding to get her stuff back. She’s coming off as a totally crazy Targaryen, and the POINT of her is that she is proud but not stupid.

I’m trying to refrain from overly critiquing the Dany storyline until I see what happens in the House of the Undying. It is one of the most important scenes in Clash of Kings, let alone the series as a whole. I want to scream, PAY ATTENTION whenever anyone mentions the place. JUST GO THERE, DANY. BECOME RELEVANT AGAIN!

Is that harsh? Maybe. I feel like HBO was trying to trick me by giving me a little Dany/Jorah tenderness as if in my squeeing I would forget that Dany has nothing to do. Go on your own adventure, Princess, don’t order people to have one for you!

That being said – everything in Essos LOOKS fanfuckingTASTIC. Have I mentioned that before?

Rachel: So do you still love Jaqen H’ghar as much as you did last week? Are you still shipping Jaqen/Arya?

Elena: I love him that much and more!!!

Jaqen is the best! I also love how game Arya is with this whole killing people/master manipulator thing. Arya doesn’t give a fuck. She’s the Honey Badger of Westeros. She takes what she wants; she just really doesn’t give a shit.

That moment… “The girl has given the man his own name” was fucking priceless. What made it brilliant was how Jaqen sits there and argues with her with child-logic. Arya is the one Stark (besides Bam-bam) who is still truly childlike. Yes, she’s seen horrible things, and she’s even done horrible things, but she’s still got the sort of insouciant stubbornness of a child. She can understand when she’s in immediate danger, but she doesn’t think enough about the world around her to be truly afraid just in general the way Sansa is. So she stands there and argues with a serial killer about whether he’ll be killing himself or enough other people to help her escape, and he…lets her. He lets her manipulate him. Maybe his god has a child’s simple view of the world as well, so maybe it’s natural. It was just awesome hearing them bicker like that. “Unname me.” “No!” “Please?” “Well…only if you kill enough motherfuckers I can escape…” “But that is more than one life.” “I NAME JAQEN H’GHAR!” “Okay, fine, fine, I’ll kill them. Now unname me.” “I unname you…as long as you do what I want!”

And Arya did free the genie like a smart little protagonist. The genie of death. I hope we see him again. But if we don’t, I will picture him from time to time and smile, and hope that Arya gets reports of random murder sprees so that she knows he’s still alive somewhere….

Rachel: On the subject of staying alive…predictions for how much longer Theon will last?

Elena: Um…probably two episodes into season 3. That’s about the right amount of time for his douche-bagginess to hit the implosion point. Also long enough to wrap up the major arcs of this season and give Robb some room to find catharsis somewhere other than between Lady Talisa’s thighs.

The scene with Asha was about how I expected her to react, with some bonus emotional blackmail I didn’t really expect from her. She just rides in and says “Theon, what the fuck are you doing?” But instead of stopping there she actually takes the time to remind him—or perhaps explain in the first place—the ethos of the Iron Islands, which is they take what they NEED, not what they want. And they don’t need a castle in the middle of BFE, hundreds of miles from the sea. The story she told about when he was a baby kind of goes to the point of why we can’t totally mind what Theon did, in going back to his family…blood is thicker than water, and there are certain bonds that you share with siblings that, no matter how far you may drift from them, you will simply never feel for anyone else in the world. I am sad for Theon that he feels like he needs to prove himself, that he’s going to stick to holding Winterfell just to prove that he isn’t a mess his sister had to come clean up…and he’s going to die for it.

Her plea was so stark, so elegant—“Don’t die so far from the sea.” It accepts that death is likely in their line of work, that death comes for all men in time, so all you can do is die where you belong, with the people who are your own.

Asha’s words were almost enough to make me care about Theon. But he’s been such a giant dick lately I just can’t. I think what I’m empathizing is Asha’s feelings for his inevitable execution.

So far from the sea….

Elena: Tyrion proves yet again to be Martin’s avatar as the show drifts highly meta with a fantasy-name pronunciation roundtable between Bronn, Tyrion, and Varys. Discuss.

Rachel: This episode totally broke out its Tyrion guns. He had a whole bunch of scenes and they were all fantastic. Tyrion, Bronn and Varys bullshitting how to say that old dead guy’s name is the perfect nod to the difficulties of reading fantasy novels. Remember when LOTR came out and we all found out we were saying half of it incorrectly? Or how I felt when I finally read the pronunciation guide for Cherryh’s Foreigner novels… the devastation! Don’t even get me started on Wheel of Time. Invariably while discussing a fantasy novel with a fellow reader there’s always a “how do you say it?” conversation just to see how close we are.

For the record, Bronn wins that round for committing to the pronunciation. Just pretend you know what you’re doing. Varys does. He has NO CLUE…that dude isn’t even FROM Westeros, you think he has the lock down on how to pronounce the names? Hell, no. He is exhibiting Bronn Tactic. We’re on to his game!

Tyrion is also doing well at playing the players! I’m not so sure Cersei is a worthy opponent, but he’s got his shit down. Playing off the whole Ros thing. Well done, sir! Tyrion and Varys are definitely a power couple to watch. But poor Ros….

The episode may be a set up for the upcoming Battle of the Blackwater, but it’s an entertaining and informative set up. Just picturing Joffrey kitted up for war and learning what it is that Jaime and King Robert loved so much is just filling me with glee. Remember when Joff was disarmed by a tiny little girl? Joffrey may be cruel, but he is no fighter. Finally we’re getting a scene in which tons of main characters plot lines come together! And some people complain about set up…what do you think even CAUSES excitement?

I’m down. I’m ready. Bring on episode 9!

Game of Thrones Actress Rose Leslie Talks Ygritte and Jon Snow

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Rose Leslie currently plays the willing Ygritte in the powerfully awesome series, “Game of Thrones.” In a recently interview she revealed some information regarding her character’s relationship with Jon Snow as well as her character overall and filming in Iceland.

We have seen her character Ygritte flirting up a storm with the sexy Jon Snow. Leslie confirms that we will definitely see a different side of her and her relationship with Jon Snow.

You start to see a change within the relationship,” she continues. “I think she looks upon him in this episode in a different light, no more like the stupid-but-brave boy, but she’s beginning to see where he’s coming from and kind of sympathizes with him. He takes quite a beating, so she’s beginning to like him also. She softens towards him.”

We can all agree that while the costumes in “Game of Thrones” are incredibly awesome. Leslie describes just how comfortable she felt in her clothes while shooting her scenes.

I was hugely comfortable in my Ygritte costume. I was so nice and warm, and it was furry with many layers on the inside. There was no way I was going to freeze in that costume.”

When she was asked what originally drew her to play the role of Ygritte, Leslie discussed her first impressions of the character.

I love that she was so extremely strong-willed and tough. That really struck a chord with me. I’d pictured her in my mind as ruthless, but she also has a lovely playfulness to her as well when she’s teasing Jon Snow and mocking him to his face. When I was reading the sides, I totally fell in love. I thought, “This girl is brilliant! She’s incredibly intelligent, she can play this guy.” She’s cocky. She doesn’t necessarily rule the roost, but she doesn’t take orders from anybody unless it’s Mance Rayder [the wilding “King Beyond the Wall”]. She gets on very well with her wilding crew.”

If you haven’t read the books, you have noticed the sexual tension between Ygritte and Jon Snow. Leslie spoke about whether their flirtation is just teasing and strategy or if secretly really does like him.

I think it’s strategy. In that episode, there’s a scene where she seduces Jon and takes his mind off the fact that his hand is on the hilt of his sword. She distracts him and he slackens his hold on the rope, so she’s able to run away. I think it’s very practical. That’s another thing I love about her, that she’s constantly double-playing him. At the moment, all she wants to do is get away and not be his prisoner anymore. She’s aware that her wildling friends are close by, and that’s why she gets away and then he’s captured and snared in a little trap.”

Leslie also divulged into what her character thinks about Jon Snow and why is different than anyone Ygritte has met before.

She’s never come across anybody like Jon Snow before. He’s incredibly honorable, he hasn’t tried to come onto her. There they were, snuggling up on the rock and nothing really happened. He just let her be. I don’t think she’s ever come across that before in her life. I’m patently sure that’s she’s lost her virginity and has gotten pretty far with a man and for him not to try to seduce her, I don’t think she can figure it out. And then later it’s like, “I’m bored of this. You’re phenomenally dull, so I’m going to escape. I’m going to leave you. Bye!”

Off the topics of her relationships with other characters, Leslie also made note of the best and worst parts of filming in Iceland.

I think the best thing has to be the scenery. It’s epic and simply breathtaking. So many times when we were shooting or when there would be a little break, you’d lift your head and look around and think, “I can’t believe that I am here!” It was sensational. I’ve fallen in love with the country. I think the downside, understandably, is that it was very, very, very cold. We were stuck in minus-30 conditions. There wasn’t a lot you could do. You could stand still or huddle like penguins. We got through it. We were all given several layers of thermals in the costume. The wardrobe department was incredible and had these amazing hand warmers that kept you alive out there.

Episode 18 – Preview

Playing The Game of Thrones With Season 2 Ep: 7 – A Review

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“A Man Without Honor”

Elena: Theon is a dick. What the heck is going on in Winterfell?

Rachel: It’s times like these I like to sit back and watch the tweets roll by. “I hate Theon.” “OMG THEON IS AN EPIC DICK.” Etc., etc. It’s like Theon is the new Joffrey. Excuse me while I put my hipster glasses on.

He’s mean to old people, children, crippled children, women… probably his horse.

Alfie continues to play enigmatic douche extremely well. It’s not like Joffrey where you think, “This guy fucking sucks. When will he die.” With Theon it is more complicated. We see and understand his struggle to be accepted. His choices are driven by a pathetic need to become the son he always wanted to be. It’s sad to watch him fail and have stupid ideas.

Until he kills two little boys so he can lie to Maester Luwin, then you don’t feel any pity for him anymore.

What? This is not a spoiler. You knew this. ELENA, YOU FIGURED IT OUT RIGHT? You’ll be fine.

Elena: Yes, it was totally obvious that those were not Bran and Rickon. Because (1) no burned direwolves, (2) no burned simple giant, (3) the only credible eyewitness was sent home, and (4) everyone in Westeros knows you spike heads on the gate for positive identification. So, yes, WE’RE FINE WITH THIS CONFIRMATION.

Rachel: Actually, having never even met the two little boys, I’m kind of “meh” about it. This just didn’t have the impact it should have had on me. I guess I’m just not a “kid person”?

#TeamTheon ?

Hahahahaha. Kidding.

As to the whereabouts of Hodor and company, well your guess is as good as mine since HBO has gone and changed stuff again. I can make educated guesses. But I’m not telling YOU.

Elena: Yeah, the killing of the two random peasant boys was more a horror in the abstract than any emotional impact. I actually think HBO might have been better served to show Theon slaughtering them if the aim was an emotional shock, since it was so obvious that wasn’t Bran and Rickon dead.

Yeah, showing him actually cutting down two little boys while their mother looked on and screamed would have caused a reaction, versus a vague disappointment that HBO thought his trick would work on the audience the way it apparently worked on the people of Winterfell.

What I came away wondering was…what’s the point, exactly? Like I’m not sure what he’s really seeking to get out of this ploy. Killing the last two Winterfell heirs (since they seem to believe he really did) isn’t exactly going to make the people there more loyal to you, Theon. You think taking Bran and Rickon from them will leave them with nothing to fight for and therefore no will to fight? Hahahahahaha, Theon, Theon, Theon. This is The North. You just took away the only thing they had to lose and therefore the only thing keeping them in check. You had best start cooking your own meals, son, because Cook’s affection for Bran and Rickon and desire to keep them safe will no longer keep her from dumping as many poisons (or just rotted pieces of meat) into your stewpot as she can find, if she thinks they’re dead by your hand. And, obviously, his men know it wasn’t really them.

I guess the point was to keep from losing even more face that he’s such an inadequate conqueror he can’t even hold two little boys, one of them a cripple, prisoner? Ouch. Okay, maybe I do see why he did it.

Also I figured out why Osha fucked him—it was a preemptive revenge fuck, so that he would look like even more of a wet-behind-the-ears Ethelred the Unready type when it was discovered she banged him to sleep and then walked out…because everyone who hears that story knows she could have killed him in his sleep, but scorned to because she found him such an inadequate foe.

Theon the Inadequate. That is his moniker.

Elena: So speaking of conquerors who are more than adequate…what is going on in Robb’s camp? I find myself agreeing with Catelyn. Is the world ending?

Rachel: Probably. It IS 2012. But as far as Game of Thrones is concerned – Cat is the only person trying to avoid a fight over at Camp Robb. Robb’s gone on some bogus bandage errand with “Talisa” (Level Headed Cat says, “Yea…Talisa, whatever”), and Jaime is killing his relatives and that other random guy who turns out to be a Karstark and now the Karstarks are super pissed.

It’s a shit show, really, and I do not envy her.

Rahcel: But … well, how DO you feel about that Jaime scene? Before I go and crap all over it?

Elena: That Jaime scene was kind of awesome. In a horrible sort of way.

First, it proved that Joffrey is, truly, his father’s son. (And his mother’s, since Joffrey is the perfect blend of Jaime’s antisocial psychosis and Cersei’s single-minded selfishness.) Jaime is an absolute sociopath. He’s Iago—a man who can smile and smile and be a villain. I bought his story right along with random Lannister cousin who looks like Gendry. At first I felt sad that Jaime the Golden didn’t remember the kid, but then he totally seemed to, and they were like bonding and having this great moment in the cage and being proud Lannister men together…and then Jaime cracks his neck for no better purpose than to stretch his legs and take a shit in the woods somewhere. And I realized that Jaime never remembered the kid, or that day. He was making shit up. His first answer, the bemused “I was at her wedding?” was the truth. He was so sopping drunk he didn’t remember going! Or winning the tourney, much less his little cousin squire who was probably far, far, far from The Bestest Squire Evah.

But that scene was powerful because it sort of clues you in to just how well Jaime hides his nature. He can bring you in. He can make you trust him. He is an inspiring figure, and he’s right—he does kill people very, very well. He just pretties up his bloodlust a little better than, say, the Hound and the Mountain do. I mean, that line, “He was a painter, who painted only in red,” was totally poetic.

I want to see a Jaime/Jaqen H’ghar cage match. The two men in Westeros who are amazing at killing people but can actually manage to hide that about themselves!

Elena: Okay, so what did YOU think about it, Rachel?

Rachel: As with a lot of the altered but important scenes in the show, I find myself having to decide whether or not I’m OK with what they’ve done. Not that the writing choices haven’t played up the drama and made for riveting television, it’s just that most of the changes they have made come at the expense of established character behavior. That is the root of most of the complaints I’ve heard about the show in general, by the way, that choices were made that do not accurately reflect a character.

So… back to my point. There were absolutely great moments in the Jaime scene. The vow speech was lifted straight from the book, “They make you swear and swear….” Great. Awesome. Fake Gendry Lannister also doesn’t bother me. He serves a purpose the producers deemed a Frey would be too confusing to the audience to fill. FINE. But when Jaime murders his own family (haven’t we heard Tywin lecture extensively on the importance of being a Lannister?), I kind of lost my mind. I knew it was coming, but I just don’t get it. I don’t know where the writers are ultimately taking Jaime’s character, as I am not the writers. I understand and support the idea that in adapting a novel for television that changes must and should be made. Jaime might end up in a place that is different from what I expect. In every way I thought the scene was great, if a bit long, except for the killing of the Lannister cousin. Kind of weird. Jaime is desperate, sure. Jaime is dismissive of his father’s teachings. Jaime is pissed off and figures he’s going to die soon. Jaime just wanted to go for a stroll one last time. Jaime is an asshole. All of these things are true.

So maybe I’ll get over it, and accept that Jaime Lannister just killed another Lannister. I’ll accept it and remember it for later. Because of reasons.

This episode was full of Lannister family time. Cersei has a heart to heart after Sansa (Your Period is Coming) flowers and freaks out at the prospect of actually having to marry the monster, Joffrey. Oh, girl…I feel for you. Looks like the Hound’s words are even MORE pertinent. Shae trying to be a friend was pretty hilarious. As if that maid she unsuccessfully threatened wasn’t running STRAIGHT to the Queen. Moot, since the Hound got there first. Kind of embarrassing having half the castle come into your room to gaze at your menstrual blood. Sansa will have to construct her dignity carefully at this point.

Cersei pretty much admitting that she knows Joffrey is a fucking psychopath was great. “Maybe this is our punishment” she says to Tyrion. While Tyrion thinks, “did you not just threaten to take away all that I love a few days ago? There, there sister. Let me go get Lancel for you because, yes, your son is horrible, and, yes, it is probably your fault. But uh… the other two kids are totally NORMAL.” Also, sad to hear Tyrion compare the children to flipped coins, you know there’s a bit of , “and I got the dwarf coin” mixed in there, but Cersei being as self-absorbed and unfeeling towards others that she is…can only think of her own pain. Don’t fall for it, Tyrion!

Elena: Can I just insert how much I loved the Hound’s comment to Sansa in the hallway? “You’ll be grateful for the brutal things I do when I am the only thing standing between you and your beloved king.”

TRUTH. Although I wondered…how, exactly, is the Hound going to be standing between them? Like is Joffrey going to have The Hound in the bedroom with him while he’s impregnating her? As if he were an actual dog? Oh, God, how does Sansa rescue her dignity from THAT?

Also, I love how at this point EVERYONE JUST FUCKING KNOWS that Joffrey is crazy. When do the assassination plots start?! I mean, look, I get that Cersei won’t agree to killing him because she loves him, and Tyrion probably wouldn’t sign off on it either, because the kid’s family (but under the right circumstances I think Tyrion could be convinced to kill his beloved brother’s beloved son)…but everyone else in the Red Keep? Where’s Varys with a death plot when you need him? Duuuude. COME ON. You were Johnny on the spot with sending out that execution hit on Dany. Surely you can make a little magic happen and get Joffrey out of everyone’s way. Then the normal one can be named the king, Cersei can be the queen regent for even longer, and no one in King’s Landing will have some horrible, mad child making shit more complicated than it needs to be while, oh yeah, they’re fighting a war against three different insurgents. Unless, of course, Lysa Arryn shows up with Robin and declares HIM the true and proper king, which…no. So, yeah, Tommyn For King!

Elena: Speaking of Lannisters, Tywin and Arya named dropped a bunch of people with names I can’t even begin to spell. Who are they and should I be marking the names for later reference?

Rachel: You didn’t like your little history lesson? A clever way of reminding us that when Dany screams at people that she will burn them…WELL, SHE MEANS IT. Just look at Harrenhal, that tower of fun!

Even more exciting than watching Arya prove to Tywin that she is, indeed, a noble girl who could be a very useful hostage if Tywin can ever figure out exactly which Northern house she belongs to (ha): Tywin mentioning Jonquil. At least it was exciting to me. Like the LOTR novels (though…not as lovely) the songs and meta-histories of ASOIAF have not made it to the screen (I’m still holding out for the Bear and the Maiden Fair…and a certain song about rain). Book reader shout out? MAYBE MORE? We. Shall. See.

Elena: Like Locke Lamora, Arya has no circumspection. She’s too smart for her own good, and so convinced of her own cleverness she doesn’t even realize what Tywin means by that. Yes, she came up with enough of a cover story that he didn’t feel the need to expose her lies…but she has already exposed everything that she is. She’s educated, she’s secure enough to look Tywin Fucking Lannister in the eye every time she addresses him, confident enough to argue with him and debate with him, and smart enough to keep track of her lies and render plausible scenarios. All of that adds up to Someone’s daughter. As Rachel pointed out, Tywin is just keeping her in his pocket until the time he figures out whose daughter she is, at which point he returns her for more favors and gratitude from a Lannister ally or ransoms her/keeps her as a hostage to his enemy’s good behavior. I am super-excited to see where her story goes from here!

Elena: And in other stories I’m excited about…Jon and Ygritte are up to pretty much the same stuff as last week, except even funnier.

Rachel: This is why I love Ygritte. She just says what you want to say to Jon. She is the tumblr of Westeros. She goes there. Some complaints have been lodged as to how stupid Jon looks with the changes the writers made to compress several events into one. I kind of agree? Jon isn’t THIS dumb. It all depends on how the capture works out, I guess. Can’t really talk about my guess as to how it will work out without spoiling. Sorry! Next week.

Really all I want to say is I almost had a heart attack every time Ygritte said anything because I knew “You know nothing Jon Snow” was coming and I COULD NOT STAND IT. I just wanted to scream it at the TV. I’m sure it won’t be the last time she says it. It better not. Girl says it about 500 times in the book. To the point where it wasn’t even funny anymore. I want the TV viewers to have the phrase jammed into the brains in much the same fashion. It’s only fair!

Elena: I feel so sorry for Jon Snow Who Thinks He Knows Where to Put It. It’s not fun to get called stupid all the time. Although in this case Ygritte is just calling him ignorant, which is different. She just says it in a way that means stupid for not seeing the world. But…he’s still operating from within the philosophical framework he was raised in. So is she. She would be just as lost at Winterfell as he is there North of The Wall.

At the same time I feel bad for a kid still in the process of growing up…I look forward to the day when Jon Snow becomes his own man and breaks out of the thought process of what is expected of him by everyone else…basically when he stops being such a reactionary and becomes agent of his own destiny. Coming of Age stories are so tedious. How many times does he have to see the world is not as he always thought it before he extrapolates that maybe he should question EVERYTHING? At this rate Sansa is learning faster than he is!

Elena: The Twitter swears, they were for the Dany stuff?

Rachel: I…have no idea WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN QARTH! Dany’s dragons stolen? Xaro is King of Qarth? Pyat Pree just murdered the rest of the Thirteen? (SIMULTANEOUSLY? AHHHHH THAT WAS SO CRAZY!)

Fuck if I know. For serious. All I know is this is all leading to the House of the Undying. BRING IT. We can handle it, Elena. Bring. It.

Can I rant a little about Dany? I want to address the Dany haters. I live with one, you see…so it gets to me sometimes.

Yes, it doesn’t really make any sense that Dany shows up in Qarth and starts demanding shit from everyone and generally being a whiny baby. It doesn’t happen in the books. So you got me.

Politics and the realities of getting yourself enough support to even start a war, let alone win it…are boring. I’ve always respected GRRM that he chose to include what many fantasy authors leave out of their epics – the boring sitting around and politicking that MUST occur if you are a poor fugitive trying to reclaim your birthright. Dany isn’t boring. Dany is realistic. As much as you can be when you’re the Mother of Dragons.

Dany’s journey, the confidence she gains in herself, the struggle she has in finding people to trust, the loneliness she feels because she has no actual friends…these are what make Dany interesting.

Having her dragons be kidnapped is a great plot twist. It really is. It works well on TV and gives the viewers something to worry about on a personal level for Dany. But this whole Thirteen business? I have no idea. I don’t really know how Dany is going to get to where she needs to get from here. I’m sure she will. I’m sure it will be plausible considering the events that unfold. Not knowing those events I can’t accurately react to them yet. All I can say is that I hope they keep the politicking in the show. Varys and Littlefinger and Dany are beloved characters BECAUSE they figure things out. Because they do a lot with very little. Because they manipulate everyone around them, including the readers, into loving them a little.

So I’m waiting. But I’m worried.

< / End Rant >

Elena: Ha, for once the non-readers have the advantage! Since we don’t know what to expect next or see the plot veering off toward Phoenix when we’re supposed to be going to NYC we don’t get worried wondering how the frak the writers are going to take Dany where she needs to go.

My biggest reactions to this week’s Qarth scenes was a reinforcement of how perfect Quaithe is for me for a Halloween/Ren Faire cosplay model, and that the twelve simultaneous throat-slits would have made a MUCH more impactful episode break point. So there’s the changes I’d have made to this episode: show Theon burning out the holding to get those two little-boy bodies and then end with twelve perfect replicas slit twelve conniving throats. Boom. Awesome. Not that I think the show needs much help, but…if they’re going to show us their fantasies of how to make the book better (or better for TV) then I will share mine about what would have made the episode even better for me.

So, um, yeah. Dany’s dragons are in the House of the Undying. I think those Qarth magicians better watch themselves. If Dany remembers she can walk through fire you know she’s just going to have Ser Jorah build a giant bonfire and set the tower aflame. She and her dragons will be fine, I mean once it’s burning she can just walk in and get them.

Damn. Where’s a spare bucket of wildfire when you need one? Maybe Quaithe can point Ser Jorah to one, she knows enough other random shit…why not.

Rachel: Bonus points to this being…what, the second episode in a row with no gratuitous naked brothel scenes? HUZZAH! This is obviously because Petyr is on the road. I’m sure the nakedness will come once Petyr is again doing business from his office.

Elena: Well you know what they say…when the cat’s away, the pussies will play.

Yes, I just went there.

Playing the Game of Thrones With Season 2 Episode 6 – A Review

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The Old Gods and the New

Elena: So, Rachel, what was it about this episode that made you say the F word all over Twitter?

Rachel: Holy Craaaap, Dany’s Dragons were stolen! This shit DOESN’T HAPPEN IN THE BOOKS. I am lost. This scene is such a great representation of how I felt during the entire episode. HBO is finally making changes that put the readers in the dark and now we (get to?) enjoy the show in much the same way as non-readers. Sitting on the edge of our seats, no idea what’s happening next, worrying for our favorite characters.

The changes can’t please everyone, but if they continue on making these sorts of changes, that don’t rewrite entire plotlines, I think it will be great. It is an adaptation, after all, and I don’t think anyone can reasonably expect the writers to follow each book exactly. (Remember when I kind of hated The Hunger Games? Yes. It was because the movie followed the book too closely and lost most of its heart in the process.)

This change for Dany’s storyline ESPECIALLY is definitely the right move for HBO. I love Dany. She is one of my favorite characters, but her storyline can get a little…well, boring. HBO recognized that sitting around in Qarth receiving sycophants and having Jorah make you feel uncomfortable is not enough of a story for Dany. Compare that to what is coming for pretty much any other character, and it is absolutely understandable and expected that HBO would spice it up. I’m totally fine with it. I’m upset that Irri is dead, but at least she defended the dragons with her life. She was brave.

And the noises the baby dragons were making? Heartbreaking. I cannot wait to see Targaryen Dany Eyes in full force for the entirety of the next episode. Girl is going to lose her mind.

Rachel: Elena, what did you think as a non-reader?

Elena: It didn’t really stand out to me as being obviously not of the books when I watched it, and so I think the writers did a really great job of integrating in Martin’s trademark “you can see it coming in retrospect but never in advance” sort of solipsistic-character interaction with the world. Having had Dany’s behavior in Qarth in the book explained to me, I can see why this didn’t happen in the books (read: because she didn’t leave her dragons alone very much), but in the show it was just sort of a duh moment. Like…the entire city knows you’re there, and that you have dragons, and that you are making house calls on all the rich men, trying to finance Operation: Reclaim the Iron Throne, and that you have a very limited contingent of guards. Why wouldn’t someone move in to take the one thing of value (sorry, Dany) that you have while you are essentially defenseless? I know there is a thing about hospitality and guests, but…she’s not the guest of the city but of Xaro. Also, the city is full of rich men. Sure, some of them did it entirely honestly, but as Xaro pointed out, most of them did not—they did things that would make a back-alley whore blush and didn’t blink because it was what needed to be done. Of course some opportunistic Qarthian is going to try and steal her dragons.

This scene also tied in very well to what is going on with the rest of the show right now. Part of being a lord in this land is being able to hold what you claim…we are actually seeing that theme play out in macro with the various kings and will they be able to hold their thrones (as indeed Robert was barely able to) and on a micro-scale with individual holdings. Such as Bran not being able to hold Winterfell against Theon…and Theon in turn probably not being able to hold it long against Robb or anyone Robb sends. Or his sister, for that matter, when her 500 knights get there (assuming she even sends them). Come on, she’s not going to let her brother use her men to secure what he stole and still call himself Lord of Winterfell. She’ll steal it from him. Ha! Take that, Theon!

Elena: Speaking of Theon…were there more changes from the books in his Winterfell-felling quest?

Rachel: Oh, Theon. Theon, Theon, Theon, Theon. Having just seen Avengers I am tempted to draw lots and lots of parallels between Theon and Loki. They’re both adopted. They both have older brothers they have a really complicated relationship with. They’re both horrible fucktards. And yes, both are strangely compelling. Although, I think we’ll give Loki the trophy in prettiness, we’ll all agree. (Sorry, Alfie, considered yourself…Loki’d).

But yes, there were more changes in Winterfells scenes. Let’s talk about the things that HBO has done in that I liked:

THE DETAILS: Bran had a handle hanging above his bed that allowed him to sit up my himself. I loved this detail. Not only because it gives Bran more physicality – we don’t see him only move around with Hodor’s help – but because it also means that Bran has made a turn-around from the depressed child we saw following his accident. Bran has figured out how to go on with daily life.
Yes, I’m totally OK with the fact that they compressed (again) several scenes into one. Namely that instead of Theon killing Mikken (which would have made no sense as he isn’t a character in the show), he killed Ser Rodrik (who dies a little later in the book, but I can’t tell you details). There is emotional impact since we know this character, plus Theon’s total inability to get through Rodrik’s neck in one or even three blows is just…gugh. Maybe we shouldn’t blame Theon – all that salt air can dull his blade. And since the Greyjoys Do Not Sow, we can’t expect them to have any native blacksmiths around to keep their weapons sharpish. But those of us who’ve read the books know Theon’s worse moments are coming…soon.
Maester Luwin’s performance. What a scene stealer! Isaac (Bran) did an awesome job as well at conveying the frustration of a little boy who can do nothing to stop the inevitable. Not merely due to his handicap but because he has no men and no way to oust Theon from Winterfell. He is feeling the responsibility of keeping his people safe, but it is Maester Luwin that really steps up in his scenes. He is no fool to let a boy shoulder those responsibilities. Also – that opening scene with the ravens. WIN.

I’m going to scoot right on by seeing Tonks naked (Wow, these Harry Potter books got way adult) except to say that she should have just killed him, otherwise why even put yourself through it? She could have skipped boning with Theon and gone straight to offering herself to the guards (arguments against this will include – “but she needed Theon to be asleep!”…Yea…or dead?)

But really I have to love any scene in which Shaggydog makes an appearance.

Rachel: Anyway, there were lots of wtf moments in terms of writing in the Osha escape scene, agree?

Elena: Man, that sequence was just killer. Tonks Osha is yet another Badass Bitch! Are there any women in Westeros who are not secret badasses? No wonder all the men are so terrified of letting them do anything but knit. I mean, all these warring rapacious assholes have to get the genes from somewhere, and apparently it’s not all from daddy…but I digress. Right. Lots of WTF when Osha goes in and has sex with Theon. The only point to that scene is to continue the narrative confusion of what her game is until the end of the episode. Because, seriously, there is no reason for her to bang Theon if she isn’t going to kill him! Gurl. Your brain is a bit too one-track here. You have Theon sleeping like a baby in all his self-satisfied glory, no guards in sight, and you…just put your cloak back on and walk out? Honey, the guard would have been just as certain Theon sent you to warm his night if you had gone to him first. Did you worry not having the scent of Theon’s balls on your breath might tip your hand?

Rachel: Insert me making a face and saying “Theon’s Balls?” to myself.

Elena: Anyway, Osha’s mad plan to escape with Bran and Rickon was, aside from the 5-minute detour (bc you know that’s all it took) to fuck Theon to sleep, pretty brilliant. And while I would totally like to claim that I knew she wasn’t really betraying Bran, because she’s Tonks, and she’s too Awesome for that…honestly, I didn’t question her trying to get out of being the Stark’s indentured servant at all. But the second she slit that guy’s throat I remembered what happened on the day she was caught. Theon wanted to kill her, and Robb stopped him. She told Robb, if you spare my life, I am yours. And she is from the North. They do not make bullshit vows like the Iron Islanders do. She meant that. And Theon was fucking there, and he fucking heard her make that promise, and he doesn’t have a bazillion character motivations to keep track of the way I do. So how the fuck did he forget that?

So, yeah, Osha is awesome.

Theon is…not awesome. He totally allowed himself to be bullied into having Ser Rodrick executed, and then he had to be bullied into doing it himself. I don’t think he has very long to live. He’s not fooling anyone into thinking he’s real leadership material. If he weren’t such a hosebeast I might feel sorry for him. Like, I understand he has conflicting motivations. And I get that he is young and hasn’t been exposed to having to do these hard things for himself. But at the same time, if he had a stronger sense of self, he’d have the courage of his convictions. Instead he has no convictions, just whatever seems necessary at that moment. He is not thinking ahead, and in the game of thrones if you can’t think five moves ahead you’re going to lose. Theon can’t even think one move ahead right now.

I just hope Robb gets his wish to be the one to kill him. I feel like that isn’t going to happen for him, though. Theon’s just Too Stupid To Live.

Rachel: So remember when Roose finally wanders over to tell Robb and Cat and Talisa of Theon’s betrayal, and Cat is all, “I TOLD YOU!”? You were right, Cat. You were riiiight. Robb is basically an idiot if he thought he could rely on Theon as if he were Jon. No way. Everyone forgot that Theon was a PRISONER. Everyone but Cat, because she’s very good at remembering which ones are her children and which ones aren’t.

Ten thousand extra points for Roose’s “Let me send word to my Bastard at the Dreadfort.” YESSS. SEND ALL THE WORDS. And leaches!

As far as Robb still mooning over Talisa…eh.

Elena: That was such an awkward mom intrusion. Robb was just starting to get his mack on, inviting her to have dinner in his tent and all, and then his mom comes up and might as well have pulled him away by his ear. Ha! Also Cat is going to get to say I Told You So a second time when Lady Talisa turns out to be not foreign and not Talisa. The lady part I give her, Robb’s right about that, but otherwise? I call bullshit on that story. Cat smells it, too. She keeps giving that girl the skank eye, like, “Bitch, please, I have a pen pal in every keep in the Riverlands (except Harrenhal, obviously), and I know there ain’t no mothafucking lady named Taleezha running around here with any legitimate purpose.”

Also, having Roose’s inclination to suck fingerbones explained to me, your caption on our first Talisa picture (“Roose, you’re making this [amputation] awkward”) is stunningly hilarious. Apparently, like the books, OUR VERY COLUMNS can be revisited with greater appreciation once the bigger picture comes clear!

Elena: Right. So, since I mentioned Harrenhal…what did we think of this week’s episode of As the Wheel Turns: Isengard?

Rachel: LOL at Littlefinger’s teleportation abilities. Yet another creation of the show that is not in the books. It’s kind of weird. I guess they don’t want to pull a Downton Abbey and put everything in letters for people to read and then pull dramatic faces over – I get it. Also, I’m going to assume that show-Littlefinger TOTALLY recognized Arya but very handily CHOSE not to. However, I…have no idea why he would do that. If he did recognize her and then told his ally Tywin…they probably would have shipped her back to King’s Landing or arranged a trade to get Jaime back…maybe. But Littlefinger doesn’t give a rip about ol’ horse face, he’s got other fish to fry.

By far the best moment was Jaqen H’ghar’s kill. Again, changes from the book, but the impact and plot movement is the same. Plus, HA! Arya demands, Jaqen delivers. Tywin does…nothing? The fallout (ha) of this kill may actually come back to kick Arya in the butt. Tywin isn’t the type of lord to ignore the fact that one of his men was obviously murdered right in front of him.

Thaffierths! <———— I’m sorry. I had to.

Jaqen H’ghar strikes (our hearts) again! Let’s here it for team, “More water, sir?”!

Elena: I don’t know, that guy was getting on Tywin’s nerves. Maybe he will choose not to look a gift horse in the mouth?

Really the whole sequence convinced me that Jaqen H’ghar is kind of in love with Arya. Not, like in a creepy sexual way, but in the “I’ll wait for her” guy in love with Hit Girl on Kick-Ass way. He finds her fiery spirit irresistible. Also I think he responded to her imperious tone. She definitely channeled her mother there, with that NO, JAQEN, IT MUST BE NOWWWWWWWWWWWW. Like even the representative of the red god took a step back and decided not to annoy Her Ladyship further. Because if Arya uses a Cat tone, you know shit’s about to get real, and he couldn’t stand to see his little bird of death get hurt.

Rachel: A… raven, perhaps? As to Jaqen – representative of R’hllor? You think that? Just because he mentioned him to Arya before? I totally understand why you would think that given the line but take this is a negative head nod from me. Ya know.. FYI. (This has been a message from DarthRachel Omnipotence Corps.)

Elena: Conclusion: Stark girls are irresistible to sociopaths. Or perhaps it’s Tully girls, if Littlefinger’s obsession with Cat is any guideline. Discuss in the context of Sansa’s arc this week.

Rachel: The big San/San moment this week! Sandor rescuing Sansa. Not going to lie, my exposure to The Phantom of the Opera as a small child has left me predisposed to liking their dynamic even though IT’S TERRIBLE. It is! He’s an amoral killer with a hate-gig, and she’s a naïve (but learning) prisoner. It’s romantic in a brooding, windswept moor sense, but also horrifying. More San/San!

The riot in King’s Landing might actually be less powerful in the books than it was in the show. In the books they’re on horseback, and everyone is running, and I was not in as much fear for characters’ lives (okay, let’s face it, there aren’t a lot of characters I give a rip about in the scene to start with) as I was in the show. Putting them on the ground not only saved them horse-renting money, it helped put the camera down in the riot instead of horse-back level. Well done!

Elena: I would say…it’s easy to fear for a character’s life even if you actively want to see them dead. It’s just that fear is perhaps the wrong connotation. “Actively question their ability to survive” is more tone-neutral, yes? Because I actively questioned the ability of any of them to survive. It would be a fitting end for our Good King Joffrey, White Knight of Douchebaggery and High Wizard of Craziness to get trampled in street riot by peasants throwing cow pies. Better yet, by peasants force-feeding him cow pies. That would make my life complete…but it was not to be. Instead the little fuckball left Sansa out to get raped to death in the streets. He obviously is not turned on by sub’s the way the Hound is. Maybe he should toss over Sansa for Margaery, I bet she could whip (literally) some sense into him. But the Hound probably should have let Sansa at least get her little princess hymen snapped by the first of those street roughs; then Joffrey would have thrown her to him like a bone! Maybe he will anyway if Margaery strolls into King’s Landing with her father’s army and a black leather dress on. San-San 4evah!

Rachel: I’m laughing at that because I know you, I know you aren’t actually advocating Sansa be raped. You’re making a comment on how fucked up and shitty Joffrey is, YOU HEAR THAT COMMENTORS?

I don’t have much to say about the introduction of Ygritte except that I love her and it was perfect and I demand more Ygritte! So what did you think of Ygritte becausesheismyfavoriteandIreallyhopeyoulikeher?!

Elena: Ygritte was AWESOME! She is going to test Jon Snow’s knowledge of Where To Put It very quickly, I sense. Although considering how uncomfortable her wiggling made him, perhaps he really DOES know.

God, I can’t wait to see what all she can manipulate him to do with her feminine wiles. I mean, Jon Snow is this poor horny virgin who couldn’t even bring himself to bang a Winterfell whore (and the whore was obviously not actively trying to seduce him or she could have talked him out of walking away, so obviously he has NO experience even attempting to resist feminine wiles, because he has never in his life had any directed at him), and here’s this wild thing who calls his bluff when he’s told to kill her and almost escapes him and still fights him the only way she can…yeah. This is not going to end well for him. If by end well we mean staying true to his vows at The Wall, that is. The actual sex will probably end very well. She will show him the true meaning of a Wild Rumpus (because she’s a wildling, and Jon Snow has run off to Where The Wild Things Are…AKA North Of The Wall).

I kind of expect that she takes Jon to the wildling camp and he finds out that the King Beyond the Wall is actually Uncle Benji. Because that would be dramatic irony of the type that is totally irresistible for this kind of story (cough *soap opera with swords* cough). And if the King Beyond the Wall is not a man to whom Jon Snow owes ostensible fealty…then Jon Snow will someone end up the new King Beyond the Wall, because that’s just how things are going to go for the kid. His destiny is not to become wildling shish kebab or live out his days on The Wall until he is old and impotent and telling stories about how he could have stopped a civil war but didn’t. No.

But now he won’t have to, because he has met Ygritte, and she is pretty enough to tempt even a Lord of Winterfell, and she is hard enough to impress even a Lord of Winterfell, and yet she is low enough that the Bastard of Winterfell doesn’t feel out of his league as long as he doesn’t lose his fights to her! Jon Snow, meet Rocked. As in, your world officially is. And yes, the romance reader in me will unabashedly ship the one fucking couple of maybe-they-could-hook-up characters on this show for whom it would not be a disaster or betrayal in one way or another to actually hook up. I mean, yes Jon vowed celibacy, but…come on. Even Lord Mormont admits they don’t actually expect the men to keep that vow, and anyway Jon’s “brothers” kind of threw him to the wolves on that one with their whole, “you go on and kill her while we walk to the top and wait for you” bit. There was just no way he was ready for killing a pretty girl without having seen her kill someone first. So I’m not going to consider it any kind of oathbreaking for him to forget about those assholes (even though Jon will be emo about it for YEARS). Anyway, my main point was, Yay, Ygritte!

Rachel: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (insert me laughing hysterically and weeping and then laughing again and I will never tell you WHYYYYYYYYY)

Playing The Game of Thrones With Season 2 Episode 5 – A Review

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Elena: Renly died! I CALLED IT! Four episode arc. I WIN!

Rachel: Yes, I barely contained myself when you predicted Renly would last four episodes. Good job! And now that I’ve successfully won my campaign of convincing you magic exists in this world, I expect you to predict lots more!

I’m not sure I think opening with Renly’s death was the best idea? I don’t know. I agree it was a splendid cliffhanger for episode 4, but now that is has lost its momentum, seeing Shadowbaby come in and kill Renly was kind of a “duh” moment. Maybe I’m being harsh because I already know what is going to happen. I did enjoy Brienne’s emotion. I argued with another fan who said that Brienne being so emotional when she hadn’t had any lines up until then was hard to believe, but, frankly, Brienne’s story is not about her being devoted to Renly. Her story begins with Renly’s death.

As for this “controversy” that Loras wasn’t given ENOUGH emotion in his mourning scene…I’m giving you the stank eye, GoT fandom. IT’S HAPPENING. Right now. …… can you feel it? Loras was totally devoid of emotion in that scene with Margaery and Littlefinger! He was empty! The love of his life is dead on a table in front of him, and he is not dealing, you guys. I thought it was a much more powerful choice than to have him beating his chest and yelling, especially on the heels of the scene with Brienne. This way it doesn’t feel like a rehash. Neither steals the glory from the other.

But speaking of that scene…gosh, I heart Margaery! I’m so glad they’ve expanded her for this show, and we get to see her more. Littlefinger is deftly maneuvering as always, while Margaery takes advantage of the only avenue to power left on the table at the moment. It’s a great scene completely filled with all those key events in the future that book readers love. BAM. This is when the show is good. This is when I can walk proudly and say I am a fan of the show as well as the books. More of this, HBO. MORE!

Rachel: Is this what you thought Shadowbaby would amount to? Are you disappointed you didn’t get a zombie army?

Elena: I am not totally surprised that we didn’t end up with a demon army, if only because we’re maybe halfway through book 2 of 7 at this point. So a demon army seems a bit…unlikely at this point in the narrative. I feel like that will happen at the end, that the series comes down to everyone waking up from their petty power play when seven armies of supernatural shit converge. You’ve got White Walkers versus Shadowbaby-demon army and just when the world’s about to get overrun, Dany and her dragons swoop in, burn them all, save Sansa, and claim the Iron Throne. Can’t wait. But that’s the end of the series, not book 2 stuff.

That being said, it was kind of anticlimactic that all Shadowbaby did was kill Renly. I mean, I guess that’s all Shadowbaby needed to do, but the high point of that sequence was definitely Davos’ face during the birth and not the actual outcome of the black magic.

Rachel: Brienne is working for Cat now, this can only go well.

Elena: That pairing makes a really odd sense (well, wouldn’t have seen it coming but now that it’s done it makes total sense kind of odd sense) to me. I am not Cat’s biggest fan, but I actually got chills when she gave her vow back to Brienne. Say what you want about CTS, she has learned the dignity and honor of the north pretty well by this point. And that is a great place for Brienne, because Brienne actually is an honorable knight. She has to out-knight the male knights to prove she’s qualified, so while they can run around putting themselves on Arya’s Jaqen H’ghar death list (I’m looking at you, Mountain), she has to play by the formal rules of chivalry and oath and loyalty and honor.

I also think, though, that she and Cat have to be very careful not to bring out the worst in each other when it comes to dealing with people who don’t have something to prove regarding honor and whatnot. I guess I’m suggesting here that Cat might be in some small way driven by a motivation to prove she IS a true northerner and a proper Lady Stark, which is more important now than ever since Robb isn’t just Lord of Winterfell but King in the North and she is one of his designated proxies. Anyway, though, one of the hardest things for people who are really good at living by a set code to do is not judge the people who can’t/don’t, or who live by a code they cannot comprehend. As Rachel suggests, this pairing may go poorly for everyone they come into contact with….

Rachel: What do you think about Bran’s expanding “powers”? And Rickon? Rickon is my favorite character btw. From now on and forever. Rickon for King!!!!

Elena: Rickon? Who’s Rickon? Do you mean BAM-BAM? I know we talked about fake names for characters and how, no, but…that’s what he was doing at the table! Just banging away like a fucking heathen. Bam-bam Stark, so say I, so mote it be. Also because…does Rickon even know his own name at this point? I think Cat might be a little bit late in getting back to him. Ser Rodrick and Maester Luwen obviously don’t have a mother’s touch with taming a half-feral possibly autistic child. Clearly Cat had all the magic there (can you hear my sarcasm—okay, fine, that was so season 1 and now we’ve all forgotten about how she couldn’t do anything for any of her other children when Bran was maybe dying…oh, wait…).

Speaking of Bran, yes, I’m so glad they are getting more into his dreams. And I hope Theon’s visit to Winterfell will be instructive for Bran when it comes to dream interpretation. Because what else was the Theta Chi president suggesting with his cryptic “but that would mean—” remark except a pantyraid on Winterfell?

Good thing Bam-bam doesn’t even know what underwear are. I wish Theon all the luck getting back on his pirate ship once his crew realizes there was nothing at Winterfell to plunder except one wildling female prisoner and the links in Maester Luwen’s chain.

Rachel: Also, Asha is the greatest troll in all of Westeros.

Elena: Speaking of people with one line in the is episode…Quaithe? Is her entire purpose to pop up randomly spouting vague shit I can’t remember?

Rachel: Ding ding ding ding ding! Oh, Quaithe. Here is the thing about her and the trope she represents – the prophet trope. HOW DO THEY REMEMBER? Not the prophets, because they’re obsessed, and I totally get them remembering it; no, how do the main characters remember? Some whack-a-doo pops up spouting cryptic messages that are LONG and complicated and you’re supposed to be able to remember each of the parts and in which order? No. Sorry, no.

Lots of fans are also pretty mad about Xaro. I don’t see the point in changing him from gay to straight. One of the main reasons Dany refuses Xaro, besides being canny on her own sometimes without Jorah’s council, the fact that Xaro wants one of Dany’s dragons in exchange for the ships (and the marriage, but whatever), is that Dany doesn’t want to marry a gay guy no matter how he can help her regain her throne. This girl has NEEDS, and this girl will not settle for anything less than some more fresh Drogoey meat. (I say this with the knowledge that Dany and her handmaids often partake in um…stress relieving behavior. Thus proving my point that Dany has NEEDS.) Which is why I get so EMBARASSED for Jorah and his little girl crush. It’s at once kind of romantic and also nauseating. Embarrassing to watch but also juicy? I should stop.

But yes, Quaithe. Did you like her mask? I thought her mask looks like if Spiderman needed a mask but all he had were those little balsa wood chips you make fake shingles for doll houses out of….But then again Pyat Pree looks like a Sith Senator, so I guess Qarth is just a weird city in a land far away, made of dreams and bits of charred meat.

Elena: Qarth is obviously a con. Also I am totally going to be Quaithe for Halloween and one of my Ren Faire days this fall. Gotta start memorizing some good prophecies, though. Cause, yo, Rachel’s right, how am I supposed to remember all that shit?

Wait, what are we talking about?

Rachel: Oh right, Tyrion!

Elena: I wasn’t talking about Tyrion.

Rachel: Yes, Tyrion and Bronn and what you have so delightfully dubbed as “their trip to the set of Rome”. Which is the only excuse for that teeny tiny caravan that Tyrion is hanging out in when he utterly pwns Lancel (More wine, sir?). And then he’s strolling the grossest bits of the city sans guards with just Bronn by his side?

I just don’t think that is plausible. He’d be on a HORSE, or something. The Lannisters are not well-liked at this point, not by the peasant class anyways. People are calling him “demon monkey” in broad daylight! Guy needs to be on a horse for his own safety. This is when the show is strange. Not pull your hair out bad or anything, just strange. Was it extras cost double day when they were filming?

Meanwhile Roy Dotrice cameoing as the pyromancer was a stroke of genius. For anyone who doesn’t know, Dotrice narrates the audiobooks though he is also a screen actor. He was just SO excited to be melting flesh like tallow. Isn’t it nice? That George envisions a world where people find meaningful work no matter their destructive impulses? Very enlightened.

Rachel: Cersei – petty or actually retarded?

Elena: It depends on whether she has really left the defenses of the city to Joffrey (or herself, for that matter), or if she just told that to Tyrion to be a bitch. I don’t think either of them have the tactical chops to really be the military leader in a time of unrest, you know?

The wildfire solution really does have Cersei’s stamp on in, though, doesn’t it? Roach on your plate? Burn the table! Better yet, burn the whole dining room! Daddy will buy me a new one!

My concern is this. You have 7000 barrels plus whatever pyromancer can make in the meantime if he can resist the pissing on it experiment. How far does that really go against 100,000 men and ships? Maybe you have enough to burn Stannis’s army to ash. Fine. What happens when Robb Stark’s army gets there? What about the king beyond the wall (cause you know even with Jon Snow Who Knows Where to Put It’s promotion that avalanche ain’t gonna be stopped from rolling down the mountain)? Seven thousand barrels since the time of mad king Aerys isn’t really all that much of a safeguard if it’s your only defense.

Elena: Anyway. Going back to beyond the beyond, what the big deal about this Halfhand guy who shows up at the mountain camp and apparently needs no introduction?

Rachel: Qhorin Halfhand! He’s the great ranger of the Night’s Watch is all! Famous South of the wall, well, okay, famous as far South as Winterfell. The way Southerner’s might feel about Barristan Selmy is how Northerner’s feel about the Halfhand. He’s the batman of winter. Jon would obviously jump at the chance to go on a mission with the guy.

Just go with it. He’s a bad ass. He’s only got half a hand.

It was definitely sweet of Sam to automatically take up Jon’s duties because he wants to eliminate all of Jon’s barriers to do what he has always wanted to do. I hate to see Sam and Jon split up for any length of time, but as long as Jon has Ghost, he’ll be fine. Right? I mean, I didn’t see Ghost. I heard he was there. I just imagine they CGI some floaty red eyes in the snow and call it a day.

Elena: Sam is the bestest friend evah! Also. Why am I so strangely attracted to Jaqen H’ghar?

Rachel: If you weren’t I would expect there to be something wrong with you. There’s just something about a weird dude with bad hair who talks about himself in the third person, ya know? Actually … I have no idea. He has this effect in the book as well, so we can’t blame it on the admittedly beauteous casting. I think it’s because guy gets shit DONE. That is attractive in a book full of devious twisty plots. With Jaqen it is simple. The man has a debt. The man pays his debt. The girl and the man are even.

HAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA. (This is me laughing and pointing and hyperventilating along with all the other theory hounds out there. We are legion.)

Anways, Harrenhal. Place keeps getting better! Actually it does. Jaqen, Shirtless Gendry, and now Arya is on Team More Water, Sir? That scene between Arya and Tywin is pretty amazing. Not afraid dude. NOT AFRAID. Hell yes, Arya. Kick Ass. Take ALL THE NAMES. Remember them. Say them at night. Never forget.

Playing the Game of Thrones With Season 2: Ep. 4 – A Review

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Episode 4: Garden of Bones

Elena: So is Qarth going to be as awesome as it seems like it will be?

Rachel: Qarth is…well, it is Qarth. Dany’s storyline begins a fundamental change here, maybe not in what you would expect from her as a character, but from what you would expect from GRRM as an author. Dany has been relentlessly journeying up until now, and with each stop on her journey she’s added another skillset, another aspect of her personality. She is definitely more than the unsure young girl who wishes to go home; now she’s a canny survivor. Qarth will teach her to be an effective politician.

I’m not going to lie and say that book readers don’t sometimes complain about Dany’s storyline. Maybe she will just sit in Qarth for a while, but dammit, she’s going to LEARN STUFF. Just you wait. Lore building! Baths! Cool dresses! Interpersonal relationship building!

Meanwhile from what I’ve seen so far of Qarth, I’m totally happy. I am not going to bitch about the lack of boobie-revealing dresses (really…I’m not), and I’m totally fine with Xaro being a summer islander. The line was kind of weirdly delivered, but whatever. Qarth is a multicultural city. The milk-men of Qarth are definitely present. SO EVERYONE JUST CALM THE HELL DOWN ABOUT IT. I mean… if I don’t ever hear another race-based complaint from the Game of Thrones fandom…well, that would make my damn life..

Also…Pyat Pree looks like a Star Wars character. Not like a Sith or anything, just one of those random background Naboo politicians with questionable morality.

Who am I kidding.. Pyat Pree IS A STAR WARS CHARACTER.

Elena: So…can we talk about that field nurse Robb decided he wants for his queen?

Because that scene was pretty fabulous. She’s fabulous.

I’m not sure if her strategy for man-catching is brilliant or not. Walk onto a battlefield and look all brave and compassionate and did I mention brave? And then saw a guy’s foot off—and, come on, y’all, that was not a one-clean hack and it’s done kind of amputation but literally sawing through the flesh and the bone, grind, grind, grind, crunch, ah THERE it goes finally and then the foot falls off into the mud, thunk—and then stand up totally unaffected by what you just did and tell off a king.

Damn.

Girl’s got brass balls the size of Grey Wind’s.

And Robb noticed. He was straight, I’m King in the North…I live by the old ways…I need a woman who is strong enough to deal with that…and even more I need a wife who will question me sometimes because, y’all, I’m not even 20 and I don’t have people second-guessing me anymore and secretly deep down inside I could use the certainty that comes after a good honest debate wherein I am forced to consider things I didn’t think of and make logical defenses of my decisions…HER! THIS ONE! I MUST MARRY HER! IT IS A SIGN FROM THE OLD GODS!

No, that’s not right. That comes later, when Robb thinks it over and has to figure out how to justify breaking the alliance his mother made for him. For now he was just like OMG-she-is-a-hot-BAB (bad-ass bitch), and then his eyes turned into hearts like zombie-Albie and for five seconds GOT turned into a romantic comedy, Westeros edition (because that line? “At least tell me your name!”—that line has been in pretty much every rom-com about a beautiful stranger since the beginning of time). Hey, maybe that’s what the whole series is. I don’t know yet.

So, her strategy? Brilliant. Brilliant because it worked. (Yes, I realize she is not actually trying to catch any man’s attention by being a nurse. I’m just saying it was such a tactically excellent move that if it had been her strategy it would have been the bestest strategy ever.)

Rachel…thoughts?

Rachel: JEYNE! Or as she is called in the show, Talisa from Volantis. Can I just…can I just call bullshit right now on “Talisa from Volantis”? I’m gonna. Here I go.

GURL. WE KNOW YOU’RE JEYNE WESTERLING. Now, whether the character is lying to protect herself from Robb OR the producers have changed her name a la Asha…I don’t care. I’m just going to call her Jeyne Westerling. I’ve dedicated a great amount of space in my head to remembering names of fake people, and I just don’t have room for fake names of fake people, too.

Let’s trust that the average Game of Thrones viewer can tell the different between a smart move and a dumb move…and leave it at that. (I know that the producers don’t trust that the average Game of Thrones viewer is anything else but an 11 year old boy searching for stimulation and violence…but let’s PRETEND).

I’m starting to get negative.

Elena: Can you be negative about Joffrey?

Rachel: I like Joffrey. Well, I mean I like to hate Joffrey, which is the same as liking the character because HE ISN’T REAL so you can’t actually dislike him for real because none of the terrible things he does actually happened.

But even though he didn’t actually make Ros the adorably (sarcasm) inserted prostitute stand-in horribly abuse and rape another nameless prostitute…I still hate him for it. This was such a weird scene to watch, because I knew it was coming. Fans had been discussing this particular scene (fabricated for the show) for a few days online prior to the episode airing. Calling it the most disturbing sex scene they had ever seen, a totally unnecessary scene, a scene that pushed the limits of cable broadcasting, etc., etc., etc.

I agree that the scene was unnecessarily disturbing. I think we get it, we hate Joffrey. Was there anyone out there that needed an extra push? However, because I was prepared for uncalled for depravity I wasn’t as throw-remote across-the-room, scream-at-everyone-around-you disgusted as many. I did turn to my friends and put my hands in the air like, “just another weird thing we had to sit through.”

Speaking of additionally weird things – Littlefinger using Ned’s bones as a come on was fucking dumb. Littlefinger is smarter than that. The only way I can live with it is to continually think all out of character behavior is masterminded to confuse us! YOU’RE SO CRAFTY LITTLEFINGER!

< / end ranty bullshit >

Elena: See, I find it interesting that people who read the books thought that scene was unnecessary. I think it was, maybe not necessary but at least useful, in making it clear that Joffrey is not just some spoiled child who wants to kill everyone who disagrees with him who is in the unfortunate position of being able to order that done. No. He is a straight sadist. He might very well have gotten his nuts off watching Ros beat and maybe antler-rape her fellow whore, just…not by engaging with them himself.

And this was far from the most disturbing sex scene I’ve seen. Please. I’m not saying it wasn’t disturbing or awful, but…it had nothing on, say, Irreversible. And pushing the boundaries of cable TV? How? All it actually showed was an ass-spanking. Ros raised her hand in such a way as to imply maybe there was just more beating rather than penetration, and I’m sure that was done to soften the blow, which I find kind of a cop-out on HBO’s part. You can’t actually show it, fine, but at least have the balls to be clear about what’s happening after the screen goes black.

Also, can I point out how monumentally poor Tyrion’s choice of whores was? Normally he’s more savvy. But I looked at the difference between Joffrey and those two women and was kind of like, no wonder he’s not interested. They were both so obviously older than him. And he is a slender young man, with a very boyish look. Most men like to feel big and powerful around women, ergo they like women who are smaller than they are, or at the very least the same size. Both of these women were bigger than Joffrey, because they are ADULTS, and he is so very obviously not. Tyrion should have had Littlfinger’s brothel send a couple of 16-year-olds who’ve been at it since they were children (since you know Littlefinger has child-sex on offer somewhere, so he’d have the personnel for this) who would be Joffrey’s age and on his same juvenile scale.

There might also have been an aspect of the women’s experience versus his inexperience. Fumbling virgins feel much more comfortable with other fumbling virgins than with someone who is uber-experienced and (in your head, at least) going to laugh at you for not knowing how to do any of it.

Rachel: So, Elena, is Melisandre magical?

Elena: SHADOWBABY OMG! I give up. Melisandre is magical.

Rachel: CORRECTION – Melisandre’s VAGINA is magical. Did I not tell you? DID I NOT TELL YOU? So yeah, shadowbaby. Coming at ya. The look on Davos’ face is probably my favorite moment. First he’s all, “Don’t talk about my wife.” Then he’s all, “HOLY CRAP WHAT IS COMING OUT OF YOU?” Poor Davos. Shit just got real for him. Methinks Melisandre is not going anywhere soon. Much to Davos’ discomfort.

And then you think about Stannis and his 13 men vs Renly and his 100,000 and (minus a peach, grrr) how much their little bitchy feuding does not matter because MAGIC. Plus a million to Stannis. You don’t know what Team Stannis is doing with said magic yet, but you know it is magic, and magic automatically gets plus a million. It’s the law.

Yeah, Renly has Margaery on his team, so don’t count Team Peach out…but MAGIC.

Elena: That was super-fucked up. I scrawled WTFFFF (what the fucking fucking fucking fuck, naturally) in my notes for this scene.

I am still creeped out about shadowbaby. I am worried for everyone in Renly’s camp. I have this fear that shadowbaby will take over everyone’s brain in the camp and then Stannis has the 100,000-man army and his red woman and shadowbaby, and yikes, y’all. It’s going to be shadowbaby drones vs white walkers vs dragons at the end.

I vote dragons. TEAM DANAERYS KHALEESI STORMBORN!

Speaking of dark and creepy things…why is Harrenhal like Isengard?

Rachel: Well Moff Elena, Isengard is a place useless little hobbits go when their hiking leader is brutally killed by douches to learn how to not be useless.

They also go to learn how to torture people with rats.

They also go to get wine (More wine, sir?) for Tywin BAMF Lannister. Which you fucking DO, because being a cup bearer is way better than being a smith or a dead guy hanging from a gibbet. Plus, you can learn things when you’re allowed to stand in corners of rooms occupied by BAMFs.

Also, it looks like Lannister guards have officially been combined with the Mountain and his men. Plausible, considering the Mountain is a Lannister banner-man. It’s fine. This eliminates needless scurrying about the countryside, and as long as they keep Arya’s litany…then I don’t think anyone will have a problem understanding who is who.

Plus next week it looks like we get more Jaqen H’ghar! * fangirl screaming * Okay…just me screaming.

Playing The Game of Thrones With Season 2: Ep. 3 – A Review

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Episode 3: What is Dead May Never Die

Elena: Brienne?

Rachel: WOOOOOT! Brienne of Tarth! One of my favorite characters. She’s like Sam, lovably earnest. She’s a lot savvier than Sam is though because she’s had a rougher time at life than him. Sure, Sam’s dad threatened to kill him if he didn’t go to the wall but at least his mommy loved him! Brienne is just a lady too big for the role she was born to. She’s basically what Arya wants to be when she grows up but without having her own Brienne of Tarth to look up to or pave the way. She’s dealing with a super misogynistic culture in which she is attempting to adopt a traditionally masculine role and she’s not doing it with witty quips and daddy’s blessing like Asha. However, Brienne IS taking charge of her own life. I think it’s really important that we see Brienne for the first time in an episode in which Cersei and Sansa are struggling with the hardships of being female in a patriarchal society. Brienne is a noble lady like Arya and Cersei and Asha. But rather than be married off in trade for land and loyalty to a husband that would surely not love her due to her lack of beauty she is forcing her way into a world that doesn’t want her there. She wants to be a lady knight. With Renly’s grant of the boon of Kingsguardship, she IS a lady knight! And that place on the king’s guard is for life and just like Jaime Lannister or a man of the Night’s Watch, means she can’t marry. It’s definitely a risky choice for her but Brienne is tough.

Brienne refuses to be a victim.

Rachel: What did you think of the Southerners we met this episode?

Elena: I loved getting another example of a way in which a woman can forge her own path and take some control of her future back from her family. I hadn’t realized the Kingsguard enabled her to piss on marriage, but that is awesome for her. Because, yeah, marriage is not for Brienne of Tarth. Not any marriage a man on Westeros would recognize, since she would never be willing to stay at home, sew, or wear a dress.

I was less impressed with Loras’s reaction. A, learn how to lose with grace you arrogant little shit. B, why on earth would you not want someone who can best you in the lists protecting your true love Renly? Brienne is basically having to out-knight the knights in order to be accepted as one of them, which means she is fucking awesome at what she does. And the best part is she’s not a man, so she can’t threaten Loras in a sexual way! I guess Loras feels like he’s got Renly’s peen on lockdown so he is worried about other things.

Speaking of Renly and his unstiffened peen…what was that with Loras’s sister? She is yet another example of a woman who wants power and is willing to get it through the men in her life. And she, unlike the other ladies we’ve met who are gaining power through marriage, is doing it of her own accord. I come to this conclusion based on the way she presents herself—she has sexualized herself, as if determined to be obvious that she fucked her way to the crown.

Now if only she looked more like Loras so she could fuck her way to an heir….

Elena: While we’re on about women as property, what’s going on with Tyrion’s agenda, and is Cersei cracking up?

Rachel: Unfortunately for Cersei, and as she has lamented before, being a woman in Westeros pretty much sucks. Even the Queen Regent of the western continent can’t even get what she wants when her brother takes it upon himself to marry her kid off to…well someone…in order to broker more power to their side. Power they should have already because well who else is ruling this joint? Except that’s not how it works. LIFE ISN’T FAIR, IS IT, CERSEI? Sometimes I feel bad for her. It’s funny that lots of fans are empathizing with Cersei’s frustration at her inability to keep Myrcella when they condemn Sansa for being mean to Shae. WHY DO YOU THINK CERSEI IS SO DAMN MEAN TO SANSA, YOU GUYS? Because sometimes you have to lash out at someone who can’t hurt you. (Even though Shae should be mocked openly and often for thinking her best lady of the night dress would be suitable for lady-maiding. Come ON, Tyrion…get her a real dress to work in, for the Seven’s sake!)

Elena: Or was that Shae’s rebellion? She seemed kind of pissed to be there, and she and Tyrion did have that argument about how she was not a weakness. Oh, honey, you don’t know his family, do you? Perhaps he sent her to Sansa just so she can learn about Cersei? Anyway.

Rachel: This episode was just FULL of women all living the same problems and dealing with them in different ways. Let’s go back to Margaery Tyrell. She got married off to her brother’s lover because if she births the next successor she could secure some more power for her family. Even if her husband is gay and she has to share him with her brother, Margaery is totally willing to do that. She’s most probably willing to do that because being a Queen is better than not being a Queen … but maybe Cersei would beg to differ. But then I would bet Shae would agree with Margaery. Or would she?

Tyrion by the by…is up to tricksy tricks ferreting out some of the more obvious roadblocks in court. He pissed off Littlefinger, sure, but he is a resource with too much potential value as an ally to totally throw away, so look for Tyrion to make it up to Littlefinger in the future. Pycell getting his whiskers hacked off by Bronn was epic. More whisker hacking! Maybe we can just hack off whiskers instead of heads from now on?

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Elena: Bronn! We also need more Bronn. That, too, would be nice.

Rachel: Were you sad for Theon and his father issues? His fake brother issues? His sister issues? What about his whiney baby issues?

Elena: My notes on the first look at Theon this episode: “Theon is not impressed with the Pike house.” Which is a joke because the Pikes are another frat, and Theon’s a Theta Chi. Yes? No? It was funny in my head.

Um, so Theon decides to be a Greyjoy. No good can come of this. “Everybody knows you never go full Greyjoy!”

I was conflicted about whether to judge him for his choice. Family is a huge part of the ethos in this world—“What do we always say is the most important thing? FAMILY!”—but on the other hand…he’s betraying Robb! And the Starks who even if they are all incompetent players are the team I’m rooting for until I meet someone better or they’re all dead. So, no bueno. Bad Theon.

He was put in an untenable situation, and I find it interesting that I don’t have much interest or sympathy in him as a character. He acted the over privileged lordling once too often in my company for me to care that he feels inadequate with his family. Guess what? If Robb Stark is able to lead a fucking army and argue down his bannermen at this age, Theon is old enough to not judge his own worth on the valuation of any other man…even his absentee dad. (Yes, I know, that’s not how daddy issues work, but the point is we have other characters who don’t have his hang-up that made him so manipulable, so I no longer find his daddy issues a valid excuse for what he does.)

But the drowned god bit was fucking cool, and I hope we get to hear a little more about that!

Elena: Theon chose blood over water, which is funny because of reasons ^^.

Rachel: The part of Theon’s brain that makes decisions must be a terrible hell. One, because he’s kind of a swaggering idiot a lot of the time. And two, because there’s some serious cognitive dissonance happening in the guy’s life. He was raised by these seemingly honorable people… except that they murdered his brothers and took him as a hostage. Being reminded of that by your estranged father – well you can’t really blame him for siding with his family and plotting to screw Robb over. I mean you can, but it’s easily understood how he was utterly sandbagged into “going full Greyjoy”. His only choices were betrayal and… oh betrayal! Theon might be one of the more tragic characters in Game of Thrones. The Fool who learns too late? We shall see.

Everyone loves bad ass pirates who steal all the stuff and laugh at everyone who underestimated them!

Elena: Yoren died. I haz a sad.

Rachel: Yes, while Yoren suffered from an acute case of Boromir-it is I was never all that upset about his death. Mostly because in the books it is strongly and repeatedly emphasized how bad Yoren smelled and how he had fleas. He grossed me out you guys.

They also seem to be heavily contracting a few things into one thing (which I agree with for the sake of brevity and how it isn’t really necessary since the end result is the same) except that I’m worried about the Mountain’s men and the Lannister men getting all mixed together. Were these the Lannister soldiers? Were they the outlaws? Will that distinction matter in terms of the show? I’m hoping for a bit more explanation in the next episode because where Arya and Gendry end up is extremely related to the group of men that just captured them at the end of the episode and I’m not sure shoving all the motivations into one pot will make it easier to understand.

And I just want to emphasize that the three guys in the cage – IMPORTANT GUYS. Also, horrible criminals. Probably. I could be lying. I lie all the time.

Elena: I am going to be so pleased if we have just met the Hannibal Lector of Westeros. Because that? Would be awesome. And hilarious. What happens when he meets the white walkers? Do they all just sit down and have a civilized meal of roasted Craster son?

Is Jon Snow there? Is he hiding behind a tree still trying to figure out what happens?

Hey, Jon Snow, don’t feel too bad for not figuring out the subtext everyone else picked up on the second they saw one man surrounded by 50 women…you still know where to put it.

Want more? Then check out the latest episode of Team More Wine Sir as we pour more wine and talk more about “What is Dead May Never Die”!

Game of Thrones Cookbook Fit For The Wall And Beyond

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Recently, a love for cooking as taken hold of me that started with The Hunger Games Unofficial Cookbook. So a few weeks ago I received the The Unofficial Game of Thrones Cookbook: From Direwolf Ale to Auroch Stew – More Than 150 Recipes from Westeros and Beyond written by Alan Kistler for review. We over here LOVE the book series, A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin, and we love the hit HBO series based on it. So when I got the chance to review this cookbook, I was stoked.

The cookbook is broken up into chapters/sections for different types of food. I love this because when trying to decide on something to make, I enjoyed being able to just flip to the dinner section or breakfast section. Like 40 percent of this book has recipes that include bacon… and that made me happy (although I do substitute with turkey bacon, but it was still delicious).

The chapters included:

Chapter 1 – Heroic Mornings: Breakfasts for Warriors

16 recipes mostly egg, oat, and bacon recipes.

Chapter 2 – A Morsel in a Moment: Appetizers and Snacks

22 Recipes, there were some definite interesting recipes in here, but some of them seemed interesting.

Chapter 3 – Something Off the Sideboard: Sides and Bread

20 Recipes, bread recipes are my favorite and this one has a ton.

Chapter 4 – Fireside Fare: Soups, Stews, and Salads

28 Recipes, and the section of which I made the most recipes.

Chapter 5 – Feast for Friends & Enemies: Main Courses

38 Recipes, Lots of meat and hearty recipes.

Chapter 6 – Deceitful Delights: Desserts, Drinks, and “Poisonous” Cocktails

30 Recipes, my second favorite section because of its cocktails recipes.

There is also an appendix that explains the standard brewing process.

There was a lot that I enjoyed about the cookbook. Thankfully, there were only a few things that I didn’t like. I am not a fish eater, at all. No one in my household is either and unfortunately there are several fish/seafood recipes. But given it is supposed to reflect the time period, where fish eating is prevalent, I couldn’t complain. I also wished there were more chicken recipes. The one I wanted to try to the most, “Ghost’s Chicken” I wasn’t able to make because I didn’t have a dutch oven. Other than those few things, I really enjoyed the book.

Each recipe has a snippet from the novels above it, telling you where the type of food was mentioned and why it was important. I love this touch because it gives the reader a bigger connection to the story. Each recipe also has a “words of wisdom” section that gives you small helpful hints, or options for substituting ingredients. I found these very helpful.

The first thing I made was the “The Hand’s Daughter’s Pumpkin Soup.” I loved it, although, I did put to much onion in the recipe. But it was easy and nice to enjoy on a cool night at home.

I also really wanted to make some of the cocktails, but since I am not much of a drinker, I only got around to making one, “The Strangler” (although I do plan to make “Manticore Venom” soon). I loved that they included an alcoholic beverage section. Watching and reading the series, wine and drinks play a HUGE role in the story. So, its only fitting that there are recipes to fit the theme. Some of the other recipes for cocktails and alcoholic drinks included: Tears of Lys, Manticore Venom, The Strangler, Direwolf Ale, Cersei’s Plum Wine, and Lannister Gold IPA.

I went on a quest to find crumpet/muffin rings to make the most delicious sounding recipes, “Arya’s Lemon Cakes.” However, I have yet to win that, but I have to say the recipe sounds fantastic.

One of the more delicious recipes I made out of the book was The Wall’s Breakfast Loaf. It was a large bread recipe that included fruit and spices baked into it. It took me a large chuck of the day to make but it was really good when it was finished. I ate some for breakfast and brought to remainder in to my office to eat, and it was gone within minutes. Very successful.

The stew recipes all seemed very delicious so I made one of them that turned out very delicious as well. The only problem was that the cayenne pepper used in the recipe was a little much for those who don’t like a spicier/hotter flavor.

But some of the recipes were just weird, and I don’t know if anyone would have eaten them (such as Bran Stark’s Pigeon Pie and Khaleesi’s Heart: this one is made with a real cow heart…. ugh).

Overall, there were some really great recipes. My favorites definitely were the breakfast, desert, and stews/soups recipes. It should be noted, however, this is definitely not the cookbook for those with picky eaters, or vegetarians in their life. I would recommend this to any “Game of Thrones” fan who wants to try something new.

Note: Review item provided in partner with this review.

Playing The Game of Thrones With Season 2: Ep. 2 – A Review

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Episode 2: The Night Lands

Elena: What was so fucked up about the last 15 minutes that got you all riled on Twitter?

Rachel: Right, so to explain without being spoilery – I went to bat for this show’s last episode saying that it could end up being better than the books, and this week the show reminded me why that will never happen. I get that everything needs to be simplified, but I feel like they are writing to the lowest common denominator. I.e., We gotta write boobs and we gotta take out anything that requires brain cells to understand. This oversimplification results in scenes like the one between Stannis and Melisandre. A complicated and by no means confirmed suspicion of Davos’ in the novels becomes a hypocritical sex scene, and I don’t think it’s good writing.

Lots of fans think Melisandre and Stannis are lovers. Fine. It’s up for interpretation, so any opinion is valid. But Stannis goes to great lengths to prove to people that he is not a hypocrite and simple seduction is NOT at the heart of that relationship. No WAY is that all there is to it. Stannis does things because they are right, and he does what needs to be done to keep the right way. Seduction should not work on the Lobster King. If he is seduced it’s not because of Melisandre’s boobs and CERTAINLY not because she can give him a son. Stannis would not be interested in a bastard son. He just WOULDN’T. So that entire scene was dumb. And humph.

Elena: Speaking of boobs…Any thoughts on the Ros/Littlefinger scene as it relates to the exposition of his character on screen vs in the book?

Rachel: Well, Ros isn’t in the books. Didn’t you know that? You know that. She’s entirely made up. So Ros exists entirely as a tool of exposition. Mostly for Littlefinger at this point. In the books we know Littlefinger is sly because everyone says so. The show feels the need to actually give us examples of his cunning and wit. So it lulls us repeatedly into thinking he’s a decent person and then BAM – reminds us that he is the person you should trust the least. Poor Ros. If I were her I would tread carefully. Littlefinger talks to her too much and we know he regards knowledge as power.

She also exists for boobs.

Elena: On to happier subjects! What did you think of Yarra Asha? I know you heart her so…did they do her justice?

Rachel: Dude, (can I call y’all ‘Dude’?) Asha was AWESOME! Gemma Whelan even had the walk down. She’s snarky, confident, cool, she’s got leather pants! Can’t wait to see her throw an axe around!

The people who are all up in arms about how Asha “isn’t hot enough” should really re-examine how they interact with society. Asha is plenty hot and Gemma’s costume and makeup is appropriate for the character. Asha the character isn’t alluring or desirable because her face is pleasantly symmetrical and she wears eyeliner and boob hoisters – it’s because she’s a warrior woman who gives orders and splits heads. She’s always got something smart ass to say (Greyjoy trait), and to compare her to Melisandre – she’s also a woman of agency. It’s not about getting married or protecting her children or even her “maidenhood” (Asha would make a dirty joke here). It’s about paying the iron price. Done.

Haters to the Wall!

PS – does everyone else think that the Greyjoy armor is going to be the best armor out of all the armor?

What is your opinion on the Greyjoys so far?

Elena: They are…not what I expected. I don’t know what I did expect. Something more like Baratheons on the Sea, perhaps? Even knowing that the father rebelled and all that did not prepare me for meeting them. I am FASCINATED by their family ethos. They are like…House Pirate. Or maybe House Honey Badger (the Honey Badger doesn’t give a shit. It takes what it wants! Oh, it’s eating grubs? That’s nasty—but it’s hungry! Honey Badger doesn’t give a fuck).

I just…I loved the iron price. I loved him calling Theon a nancy boy. I loved Balon’s point about “I am not going to let someone put a crown on my head, I’ll win it for myself.” And Yarra Asha was awesome! She’s the first woman we’ve seen who is grabbing power and influence on the strength of her own self rather than her family. I mean, yes, she is a Greyjoy and all the brothers are gone, but instead of letting the house fall into despair or pin its hopes on Theon she has stepped into that void and made the fact of her sex irrelevant.

Also…what happened to Theon? He didn’t turn out a proper Stark or a proper Greyjoy. He just fails on all levels. And he looks like a terrible lay. Theon…the Theta Chi president of Westeros.

And, yes, their armor is going to be AWESOME.

Rachel: Tyrion is in top form but I’m not sure how wise it is to challenge Varys, what do you think?

Elena: Is Tyrion challenging him? Or just telling him to tread lightly? Sometimes a display of power is all you need to make diplomacy look a little more viable…I took it as Tyrion saying, “don’t fuck with me because I can and will do something about it.” Which is a little different from saying, hey Varys, I’m going to replace you as spymaster. I mean, I guess since no one knows Varys’ game anything that interferes with what he wants to do—which could easily be a hand of strong will and intelligence and at least some treachery, like Tyrion—might be a challenge to him, but I took it more as Varys and Tyrion feeling out each other rather than an actual challenge.

Tyrion’s Axiom of the Week: I’m not Ned Stark. I understand how this game is played.

Rachel: Gendry and Arya should get their own books/series, agree?

Elena: They would make an excellent sword and sorcery type adventuring pair. They definitely need to just say fuck Westeros and sail off into the wide blue yonder. As far as we know this planet isn’t Waterworld, so, you know, there’s other continents out there. And obviously Salador Saan does just fine as a pirate, so that’s always an option. I would read that, especially if it had the promise implicit in all non-GRRM/GRRM-derived fantasy that the main characters won’t fucking die. But, yeah, the two of them were hilarious together! And hilarious with the other parts of the To The Wall Contingent. So maybe the going off alone doesn’t actually work.

Anyway, Gendry surprised me. I expected him to be…dumb. Yes, I have that academic-nerd prejudice about jocks, and I assumed something about a blacksmith apprentice. He’s not dumb. He may not be edumucated, but he’s well spoken and funny and insightful. I look forward to more Gendry.

Also I hope Yoren continues to be such a badass protectorate if Joffrey’s minions come back.

(And speaking of Joffrey: hahahahaha I totally called that it was him and not Cersei behind the dead babies! I win!)

What did you think of Hotpie and friends?

Rachel: Hotpie looks exactly like how I pictured him in my head, and Lommy Greenhands ACTUALLY HAD GREEN HANDS, ELENA! Give that costume design team an Emmy. Just do it. DO IT FOR LOMMY!

We’ve also got Rorge, Biter and Jaqen H’ghar! And I actually can’t say a damn thing about them without spoiling you so let’ s just say they are criminals. Which was obvious. I liked ’em!

Sam’s plan to save Gilly is hilariously bad—how do you feel about what is shaping up north of the wall?

Elena: Sam is so easily manipulated by the first girl person who calls him brave. I would say I am surprised he’s behaving this way, considering what his father did to him, but part of it is probably his projecting what he would have liked someone to do for him (step in and save him/help him), and part of it is that maybe he realizes her father treats her even more shittily than his father treated him.

But the plan was just…stupid. Has Sam like….never actually seen a pregnant woman? Because I don’t think that’s going to work out too well on a march across the frozen north.

As a side note: did Sam read romance novels or something? Given that he’s said he’s read about sex and birthing babies? What kind of library did his father have?

Also…what the fuuuuuck are they doing still at Craster’s? Did they have to rebuild his hold in exchange for a night’s shelter? NOT WORTH IT.

Rachel: Ah, yes. Camping with Craster. That is what I call all the bullshit filler in tv/novels/movies from now on. BECAUSE WHY ARE THEY STILL CAMPING AT CRASTER’S? This isn’t the first time the show has struggled with the passage of time, but even if you haven’t read the books it is weird. In the last episode the Lord Commander said they wouldn’t be staying long, and Theon is journeying, and Arya and Gendry are journeying, and Dany is dying in the wilderness so we know at least a few weeks have gone by! Except in the North where time … passes more slowly because time is very cold.

I guess in editing they decided they didn’t want to really move the Jon Snow plot line until later in the season so they would just…keep them camping at Craster’s.

Which sounds kind of like a terrible local access television show about….

Nevermind.

Rachel: It’s also really sad that Live-Action Aladdin died. Let’s have a moment of silence for Rakharo.

Want more? Then check out the latest episode of Team More Wine Sir as we pour more wine and talk more about “The Nightlands”!

Game of Thrones Refresher Course: Episode Recap For Season 1

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1 “Winter Is Coming” April 17, 2011

Robert Baratheon (King of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros) and his Queen, Cersei Lannister, travel north to make his old friend Eddard “Ned” Stark – Lord of the frozen land of Winterfell – an offer he cannot refuse. Across the narrow sea in Essos, the exiled Prince Viserys Targaryen forges a new alliance to regain the Iron Throne; he will trade his sister Daenerys in marriage to the savage Dothraki warlord Khal Drogo in exchange for Drogo’s army. Back in Winterfell, Ned’s wife Catelyn receives a clue that may implicate members of the royal family in a murder, and their young son Bran makes a jaw-dropping discovery.

2 ”The Kingsroad” April 24, 2011

Bran’s fate remains in doubt. Having accepted his new role as the King’s Hand (the King’s closest confidant and chief bodyguard), Ned leaves his home in Winterfell with his daughters Sansa and Arya, while Catelyn stays behind to tend to Bran. Jon Snow, Ned’s bastard son, heads north to join the brotherhood of the Night’s Watch, protectors of the Wall that keeps the vicious “Others” and the savage wildlings from entering civilised Westeros. Tyrion Lannister, the Queen’s brother, decides to forego the trip south with his family, instead joining Jon’s entourage heading to the Wall. Viserys bides his time in hopes of winning back the throne, while Daenerys focuses her attention on learning how to please her new husband, Drogo.

3 “Lord Snow” May 1, 2011

Ned joins the King’s Small Council at King’s Landing, capital of the Seven Kingdoms, and learns just how poorly Westeros is being managed. Catelyn decides to go covertly to the south to warn her husband, but is intercepted by an old friend, Councillor Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish. Jon struggles to adapt to life on the Wall, as he trains with a number of low-born recruits who are not impressed by his bloodline. Tyrion, also visiting the Wall, is beseeched by the Watch Commander Lord Mormont to plead the King and Queen to send more men to join the Night’s Watch, for powerful enemies are massing beyond the Wall. Bran, now awake, is unable to recall how he fell. Daenerys, now possessing no small measure of control as Drogo’s “Khaleesi”, begins to stand up to Viserys.

4 “Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things” May 8, 2011

Ned searches for clues to the unexplained death of Jon Arryn (the former King’s Hand), and in the process uncovers King Robert’s illegitimate son. Robert and his guests witness a tournament honoring Ned. Jon takes measures to protect Samwell Tarly, an awkward and friendless boy, from the abuse of the Night’s Watchmen; a frustrated Viserys clashes with his newly-empowered sister; Sansa dreams of life as a queen, while Arya envisions a far different future. Catelyn rallies her father’s allies to make a point, while Tyrion finds himself caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.

5 “The Wolf and the Lion” May 15, 2011

Robert and Ned have an argument over how they should deal with the advance of the Targaryen/Dothraki alliance. Catelyn and Tyrion arrive at her sister Lysa’s home in the Eyrie. News of Tyrion’s kidnapping reaches King’s Landing where Jaime Lannister, the Queen’s twin brother, demands answers from Ned.

6 “A Golden Crown” May 22, 2011

Viserys threatens Daenerys’ safety when Drogo refuses to pay his debts. Ned is left in guard of the Iron Throne while the King goes to hunt, and learns the secret left by Jon Arynn.

7 “You Win or You Die” May 29, 2011

Ned confronts Queen Cersei over the truth of Jon Arryn’s death as Robert, mortally wounded during his hunting, prepares to name his successor. Jon Snow takes the vows of the Night’s Watch. Khal Drogo summons his army to invade Westeros after Robert conspires to poison Daenerys. Robert appoints Ned as Regent of the Iron Throne, who will rule until his heir is of age. Ned brings the King’s declaration before Cersei, Joffrey (eldest of the King’s children), and the Small Council. Ned asks Baelish to secure the cooperation of the City Watch in removing the Lannisters from the throne – Joffrey is not Robert’s son but Jaime’s, he reveals, making Stannis Baratheon (Robert’s older brother) the true heir. However, the loyalty of Baelish and the City Watch lies with the Lannisters: Ned is swiftly captured, and his men killed.

8 “The Pointy End” June 5, 2011

As the Lannisters press their advantage over the Starks, Ned’s eldest son, Robb, rallies his family’s allies to war. Sansa pleads with Joffrey to spare her father’s life while Ned, still captive in the dungeons, finds an unexpected ally in Councillor Lord Varys. Jon and the Night’s Watch confront an ancient evil from beyond the Wall, while across the Narrow Sea, Drogo’s army marches west towards the Seven Kingdoms.

9 “Baelor” June 12, 2011

As the Stark and Lannister armies prepare for their first battle against one another, Tyrion leads his barbarian allies into battle while Robb and Catelyn bargain for a renegade Lord’s help. With Drogo dying from his infected wound, Daenerys goes to desperate measures to save her husband’s life by using a witch’s blood magic, much to the horror of the Dothraki. At the Wall, a Targaryen reveals himself – and the price of loyalty – to Jon, who worries about events outside of the Wall. In a final bid to save his daughters’ lives, Ned falsely confesses to conspiracy and swears fealty to Joffrey as the rightful heir to the Iron Throne. To the horror of Ned’s daughters – and delight of the assembled crowd- Joffrey has him executed regardless.

10 “Fire and Blood” June 19, 2011

The news of Ned’s execution quickly spreads to all corners of the Seven Kingdoms, triggering seismic events for each member of the Stark family. The North secedes from the Seven Kingdoms and proclaims Robb as their King. With Jaime captured by the Starks and Robert’s brothers challenging Joffrey’s claim to the throne, Lord Tywin Lannister assigns his son Tyrion as King’s Hand to keep Joffrey and Cersei in check. Jon plans to desert his post at the Wall to avenge his father; his friends convince him to stay, and he joins the Night’s Watch in an expedition to confront the foes massing beyond the Wall. Daenerys learns to her sorrow that her unborn son is dead and her Drogo has been left in a vegetative state due to the witch’s treacherous magic. Unable to bear her husband’s ruin, Daenerys ends his life and lights a funeral pyre. She burns the witch alive alongside Drogo’s body and her three dragon’s eggs, and walks into the flames herself as the fire reaches its peak. When the embers die the following morning, Daenerys rises, unharmed, flanked by three newborn dragons.

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