Twilight: Part WTF (A Review of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2)

Why are you interested in this movie?

Elena-

Because I love watching train wrecks!  Oh, god, I can’t tell you how excited I am to see this part of the saga play out.  I just…the baby thing was bad enough, that was the point when I knew the ending of Twilight was going to be bad, but the second half is where the switchman flipped the track to cracktastic.  It’s so ridiculous it’s awesome (in the schadenfreude sense), and I can’t wait to see it play out on film…I can’t wait to see how they deal with Jacob being in love with Bella and Edward’s seven-minute old INFANT and the most anti-climactic final battle EVER and will we finally get to see some hot vampire sex now that Bella’s properly married, devirginized, and delivered of a child (no).

Also, Lee Pace.  Even if I didn’t know the books or have an investment in finishing the film series, I would see this because my boy Lee is in it.  In fact, if I were not going to be dressing up as Bella with a ripped bloody T-shirt and a bloody-mouthed Edward on my arm, I would be wearing my Randy Thrandy t-shirt to this film to show who I’m there for.  Alas, in this cruel world one must choose between fabulous and fabulouser.

Rachel-

This shit isn’t done yet? How could there possibly be more? We watched her birth her horrorbaby, she died, she became a vampire, the wolf-guy got a pedo-boner. WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS THERE? Here I was minding my own business thinking I would never have to watch another Twilight movie. Did I do something to you, Elena? Did you guys conduct some kind of secret Optionated poll called “Let’s torture DarthRachel” ? Everyone voted… “Let’s make her watch more Twilight.” ? Is there even another book? Is this movie totally made up? Is it fanfic? IS THIS 50 SHADES OF GRAY?

Wait… Lee Pace is in this movie? Which vampire is he? Did we see him already? I’m just going to assume he is one of the vampires because there are no humans in this story. It’s like The Vampire Diaries only… not as good (let’s face it, TVD isn’t good anymore, sigh). So which vampire is ThrandyPace? Is he like…some super ancient Roman vampire? Is he a newborn French Revolution vampire? Will I recognize him at all? Will he have character development? WAIT. LET ME GUESS. HE IS IN LOVE WITH BELLA SWAN. Because… WHO ISN’T? *WEEPS* At least I’ll get some not at all quality Thrandy time into this viewing.

What will make it awesome?

Elena-

Um…if this one is more honest than Part 1 was?  I felt like that movie really glossed over a lot of the questionable parts of the storyline (again I refer you to Edward’s mouth cesarean of demon-vampire-baby).

Also if this condenses the bloat of the second half of the book, which was 800 pages for no real reason…it should’ve been the shortest in the series based on how much actually happens in it.

Or if Carlisle busts out a Mike Dexter reference. I’m sure he could do a nice “I’ll kick everyone’s ass in this field!” when the Volturi show up.

Honestly, what will make this movie awesome is if it gives me lots of opportunities to laugh at it. So since that’s why I’m going in the first place, I’m pretty much guaranteed a good time, right?

Rachel-

Alcohol.

What will make it suck?

Elena-

If Lee Pace is only in it for like 5 seconds. He might be…I seriously cannot remember who his character is from the book, which I read once and promptly burned.  So since I’m kind of depending on him to be my saving grace here, this could go badly for me.

Otherwise…if they rewrite this part to be that terrible sort of not awful but not good, just not good to make fun of kind of thing. That would suck. I demand the opportunity to heckle and jeer! 

Rachel-

If I run out of alcohol.

Additional thoughts on casting or production or trailer?

Elena-

Not really.  I’ve already brought up Lee Pace twice so I’ll lay off him…I think that was the only memorable casting for me for the new characters.  I always enjoy Jasper, although I know I won’t see much of him since he and Alice run off and aren’t going to be in this film much.  Actually, add this to the “make it awesome” tally—just watch Alice and Jasper run around South America looking for other demon vampire babies who grew up instead of staying with boring-ass Bella and Edward.

Rachel-

My favorite person in the Twilight movies is the snarky normal one that made fun of Bella’s ridiculous wedding. The one played by the actress that got the Oscar nom. Anna Kendrick. That one. Is she in part elventybillion? Or are there really going to be ZERO humans?

Also, someone please tell me why Dakota Fanning is in this monstrosity. That girl is a real actress who does not need to slum it by having two lines in a vampire movie. I know Kirsten Dunst was adorable in Interview… but Dakota cannot possibly have more than a couple of lines. She was in the other one… she could… make people’s head’s explode? Right? That was her? I hope she’s making absolute PILES of money. 

Reaction to film?

Elena-

I was sadly nowhere near as drunk as I had planned, but I was even more covered in fake blood in the uterine area than I had anticipated! (Note to self: fake blood is super-viscous.)  I had Edward with me, still sporting his blood-stache from delivering Renesmee, Carlie Spork Cullen, and Jacob creepily holding a baby doll and whispering about his “precious” and birthday presents.  (Note:  I…was with two female friends so this picture now becomes even more hilarious.)  Do I need to tell you how much fun I had?

Good.  Let’s just talk about this disaster, then.

Wow. This movie was pretty much everything I hoped for in terms of being excellent to make fun of.  There was something new every ten seconds or so.  Man.  But I will let Rachel call out those moments in her live blog for you. I’ll try and focus on the bigger picture stuff.

GIANT DISCLAIMER:  RACHEL AND I WILL BE TALKING ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS. WE ARE NOT GOING TO STOP AND CALL OUT “SPOILER.”  YOU ARE WARNED.

Where to start.  Okay, I’ll start with some positives.  I really liked the way they handled the ending with the Volturi which, let’s face it, is super-lame in the book.  It’s basically one line of throwaway dialogue from Alice, and the problem is solved.  Because Alice solves all problems?  Hrmm…seems like she causes them more than solves them throughout the series.  Anyway.  Here she gets to be the Big Damn Hero and save the day. I mean, her and Jasper basically rolled onto that snow-covered field like Mal and Zoe (though I’m not sure who that leaves to be Jayne hanging out of the ship…random Brazilian Savage?).  But what was the awesome part was we actually GOT a final battle. Even though I knew it was going to be an Alice vision, there was a moment when I questioned that, when I was wondering what if they DO change this up and this is really happening? Like whoa, damn, that would be epic. I was getting ready for a standing ovation (didn’t happen).

Other things I enjoyed:  Jacob’s strip-tease for Charlie.  Oh, holy shit.  I mean, of course they were going to take every opportunity to let Jacob get naked, but, I mean…they went for it with that scene. Taylor Lautner went for it.  And Billy Burke did his job of being Bella’s awesome, hapless dad, and how else would a dad like that react to his daughter’s ex-suitor, whom he had tried to push her toward, getting naked in front of him to “tell him something important” than to try and run.  The lolz abounded.

Also great?  EVERY SECOND LEE PACE WAS ON SCREEN!  Nola gal that I am, I was so pleased that they found him in New Orleans. I mean, of course reckless vampire Lee Pace hangs out here and eats drunk tourists (closest thing vampires can get to a buzz, what?) and tells Civil War stories to the locals.  Shit, now I’m wondering if the guy who made me toast to General Lee (no joke, that really happened to me in a bar here once) was RandyThrandy in disguise!  And, man, they just gave him every one-liner everyone will want to quote later to make fun of.  “Woman, I’ll follow you anywhere!”  “Name a battle.  I was there.  I helped win it.”  Lee was great.  He knew what this role was.  He went after it honey badger style.  He just really didn’t give a shit.  He knew he was better than this, and he came out with his dick swingin’ and owned it anyway.  So much fun to watch.  Now I am even more pumped for the Hobbit Part Whenever Lee Pace Shows Up.

And finally in things I liked—LANCEL LANNISTER IS ONE OF THE VOLTURI?!?!?! What?  How did I not know that?  Oh, god, every time he was on stage…more wine, sir?  This was like…Lancel got made into a vampire and was really determined not to be anyone’s bitch after suffering Cersei and Tyrion’s rule for so long.  He was all about taking names and taking heads.

Those were the good points.  Considering this movie was what, three hours long, that’s precious few.

What can I say about Bella and Edward’s (or any of them’s) acting that hasn’t already been said?  It isn’t very good.  Edward’s expression moved from constipated for four straight movies to sickeningly proud of himself (guess he  finally dropped that deuce?).   Dude…stop smirking.  Just because you knocked up your wife and she survived it, and your kid is special…you still don’t get a pass for being that self-satisfied.

I was disappointed with the producers for STILL not giving me a Mike Dexter line.  COME ON!  We all know the only reason anyone recognizes him is from being Mike Dexter.

The plot (“plot”) of this part remained as ridiculous as I remembered from the book.  Watching Jacob bonding with Nessie on screen was even creepier than it was to read about.  Maybe because the movies have just gone so far out of their way to sexualize Jacob, with the bulging muscles and shirtlessness at every chance and bedroom eyes.  I still hate the idea that the only reason he and Bella ever liked each other was because of her ovaries.  The military has a word for that:  FUBAR.  Also, can I reiterate that Nessie will apparently be full grown when she is SEVEN.  SEVEN.  Oh my god that is beyond fucked up.  So far beyond it comes around behind and kicks super fucked up in the ass.

Also what the shit was that with Bella buying them secret identities so they could run off and disappear from the Volturi?  It was…look, in the book there is a whole thing about how the werewolves and Nessie share some chromosomal abnormality that make them (1) genetically compatible and (2) immune to vampire mind tricks, so it almost made sense that she do that because then they would actually be untraceable.  But here it was just…one more plot point the movies refused to cut even though they didn’t make sense in the context that has been presented via film.

The vampire variety show was painful.  So United Colors of Benaton, so United Nations.  How does Carlisle make all these friends if he actually spends all his time parked in small towns hiding from vampire society?

I need another drink. Let’s see what Rachel thought.

Rachel-

I present to you the best of my live blog (because it’s 7 pages and I love you guys. I don’t hate you.)

On the opening scene:

No dialogue yet. Just staring. Oh I think he spit mumbled to himself just now.

“WE’RE THE SAME TEMPATURE NOW?” THAT WAS THE FIRST LINE OF THE FUCKING MOVIE.  More staring.  I think she just stabbed him…oh no just a hug. Kill him. Squeeze him until his head pops right off. Omg vampire super-fast hand job? What is going on?

Jacob’s first scene:

Hi Jacob. ‘You’re still here.’
‘Well yea…gotta bang your infant daughter while you’re out.’

Renesmee’s fucking nickname:

EW HE JUST CALLED THE BABY NESSY. “YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCHNESS MONSTER?!!!” uncontrollable hackling laughter.

Also, can we go back to the idea that the only reason bella ever liked jacob was bc the potential fetus she hadn’t conceived yet was the one into the wolfboy? WHAT?

The Sex Scene:

“vampires dont sleep” youre right. VAMPIRES BONE. SO GET TO IT.

Boring blurry sex scene. TIME FOR MORE BOOZE. (don’t forget to get a close up of the wedding ring. This is god approved boning people. Between soulless demons.)

“I’m never going to get enough of it. How are we going to ever stop?” – literally would rather an asteroid hit the planet before I ever had to hear that line.

Prepping Bella to meet Charlie:

Did the vampire family just teach her how to do a Kristen Stewart impression?

The Soundtrack:

I think the music is so bad bc no one can actually sit thru this film sober. So they had a robot approx a soundtrack.

Jacob says something snarky about wolves being cooler than vampires:

“She wishes she was that awesome.” Yea jacob. Bc she wants to turn into an animal that can lick its own asshole. Why? When she’s got Edward for that?

Vampire Arm Wrestling:

IS IT TIME FOR VAMPIRE BASEBALL?

Oh no…LAMER. Vampire ARM wrestling.

KILL ME. 

Random Volturi Flashback:

“The Voltori are coming for us.” THANK GAWD. It’s been 2 hours right? Everyone dies. The End.

I know I’m getting super awkward backstory but all of these famous people in blond wigs look the same and … I just don’t give a damn. Oh look… a beheading.

Jacob and Renesmee (and some Italians):

Oh look Nessy can talk. And Jacob is sitting next to her in the car. I AM SKEEVED OUT. THIS IS WEIRD.

Oh good now he’s carrying her around. This is the most fucked up.. .weird ass… this is like.. .and the fact that the actress playing Nessy is all eyelinered up like a child bride… ughhhhhh. STOPPIT. PEDOSHIIIIT.

Ok so some people are teaching Nessy to control weather and then some amazon Xena princess sidekicks show up? This is the type of shit that should be CUT OUT of a film adaptation. Cluttered weird stuff that just confuses an already muddled weak storyline. Some random dude just made a beatles joke. Why do I care about this guy? 

Does Nessy have some kind of brainwashing ability? I don’t. Get. It.

Oh good now we’re adding more werewolves. Jacob really DOES only like younglings.

The half hour of gathering the various X-men Vampires is BORING. I AM BORED.

Good a fight. For no reason that I can discern.

UGH… they totally CGId this poor child actress’ face so she looks like…older and more like a sex doll for a perv.

I feel like I just blacked out because suddenly cgi wolves are chasing a bunch of italians who are VERY OBVIOUSLY running in place

Prepping for the Boss Fight

I feel myself overcome with a sense of narcolepsy. Like in order to save myself my brain is turning off. Just powering off. Rebelling bc I can’t fucking WATCH all these plastic, over makeuped barbies flap their gums at each other ANY. MORE.

Bella is a vampire dampening net. “Dude, you’re not motivating her.” I… dont think this is about motivation ,guys. I think its more that no one explains anything and there dont seem to be rules so it looks impossible to teach anyone about their mutant abilities. Where’s Professor X?

Wouldn’t it be fucking hilarious if Edward just burned up and died right now? And the credits started rolling? Or is that just my deepest desire? 

Kstew is reading the pedo-doll some kind of pornographic novel about wolf sex.

Did Kstew just say “physical. I feel like I could demolish a tank.” She has experience with being the Hulk then? Bc looks to me like her ass is sitting on a couch.

This Plot You Guys:

Now I’m in a mall. Jesus Christ. I’m in a mall restaurant with yet another nameless character that will talk more than the protagonist.

Can we go back to the whole idea that the reason the bad vamps are after everyone is because they want Alice to complete their freakshow? SO WHY IS THE MOVIE STILL GOING ON? WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?

Somewhere in the snowy North:

Hey we’re in iceland or some shit.

Why are they even here? Was there some kind of agreement that everyone was going to meet in this snowy field in Iceland? Theyre about to battle some motherfucking … time lords? Dementors? Extras from the jersey shore?

OH GOD OF COURSE WOLVES TOO. Lets make the inevitable CGI nightmore even WORSE. 

Omg is that jake? IS LOCH NESS MONSTER GOING TO RIDE AROUND ON TOP OF JAKE LIKE A BIG WOLFY HORSE?

They do know that Alice isn’t even HERE right?

Ok they’ve been walking back and forth on the snow talking to each other for at least 35 minutes now. Can’t they just kill each other so I can stop watching this shit?

Michael Sheen just figured out he was in a Twilight movie. That is the ONLY explanation for the muppet noise he just made.

Heyyy… bitch from Lost. What’s up? Haven’t seen you in 5 days or so.

Bahaha… this is why vampires need CELL PHONES. Just like… call people “did you make a vampire baby?  No? Ok cool.”

NESSIE IS RIDING ON JAKE. PLEASE SHOW US A CLOSE UP OF THE AWKWARD ROCKING CGI HORRORFEST.

“So no laws broken. Let’s just disperse, cool?” “Nah…we all came all this way to get here so I think we should kill each other for no reason, k?” “Yea… I guess.”

UGHHH. …. ALICE JUST SHOWED UP… wtfffffff.  MORE BORING TALKING SHIT. They were gonna kill each other you dumb whore.  YOU’RE RUINING IT.

OK geezus. Finally. CGI FIGHT OF DOOM AND ILLEGIBILITY. LET’S DO THIS.

The Battle:

I think I’m supposed to care about these damn wolves that are dying but I actually have no idea who they are.

KICK BELLA in the HEAD. BAHHAA

Still haven’t decided which team of dead people I’m rooting for.

EDWARD GO DOWN THE HOLE GO BYE BYE .

Is there Lava down there? WTH?

Oh…Edward can fly I guess. Guess that means Dakota is left to get her ass killed by Alice the Wig. FEAR THE WIG.

I assume Alice the Wig giving Dakota to the black wolf was significant for some reason? Oh hey the Albino is still alive. How’s Lancel doing? Did Lancel Die? Or did guy who used to date Ginny Weasley die? Are they both in this movie or did I make one of them up?

The Final Blows:

Bella and Edward are fighting Michael Sheen – its kind of incomprehensible. Oh Bella just pulled his head off. Ok.

WTF.

WE JUST WENT BACK IN FUCKING ASS FUCKING SHIT FUCKING TIME FUCK?

What a mother fucking ass cop out. THIS. IS. BATTLE. THIS. MUST. HAPPEN. You can’t have a whole series end with a bunch of jerkfaces IN A FIELD just be like “cool, peace out. Donzo. See ya at Thanksgiving.”

Remember when the Mayans showed up?:

Why are there native americans? Is this bc I typed Thanksgiving? Bc they appeared AS SOON as I typed it.

Oh gooood. Half Human Half Vampire Mayan or something.  Confirming to Jacob that he can start boning Nessie in 7 years… probably 4 if no one is looking.

Hey Mayan Dude… YOU ARE IN ICELAND. You ain’t cold?

They will never forgive what happened here? WHAT ARE YOUT ALKING ABOUT ITALIAN GUY AND ALBINO BOY? NOTHING HAPPENED. NOTHING.

NO. THING.

NOTHING HAPPENED.

This was 5 hours of people zooming around in the woods and pedophilia and talking about bullshit and THEN NOTHING HAPPENED. A wolf howled.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

The End:

No one has ever hated this movie as much as I hate it, Bella. With one exception. These two fucking actors. Kstew…RPatz… you have my eternal mocking to take with you to the sparkly bank.

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