Tag Archives: The Twilight Saga

Twilight: Part WTF (A Review of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2)

Why are you interested in this movie?


Because I love watching train wrecks!  Oh, god, I can’t tell you how excited I am to see this part of the saga play out.  I just…the baby thing was bad enough, that was the point when I knew the ending of Twilight was going to be bad, but the second half is where the switchman flipped the track to cracktastic.  It’s so ridiculous it’s awesome (in the schadenfreude sense), and I can’t wait to see it play out on film…I can’t wait to see how they deal with Jacob being in love with Bella and Edward’s seven-minute old INFANT and the most anti-climactic final battle EVER and will we finally get to see some hot vampire sex now that Bella’s properly married, devirginized, and delivered of a child (no).

Also, Lee Pace.  Even if I didn’t know the books or have an investment in finishing the film series, I would see this because my boy Lee is in it.  In fact, if I were not going to be dressing up as Bella with a ripped bloody T-shirt and a bloody-mouthed Edward on my arm, I would be wearing my Randy Thrandy t-shirt to this film to show who I’m there for.  Alas, in this cruel world one must choose between fabulous and fabulouser.


This shit isn’t done yet? How could there possibly be more? We watched her birth her horrorbaby, she died, she became a vampire, the wolf-guy got a pedo-boner. WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS THERE? Here I was minding my own business thinking I would never have to watch another Twilight movie. Did I do something to you, Elena? Did you guys conduct some kind of secret Optionated poll called “Let’s torture DarthRachel” ? Everyone voted… “Let’s make her watch more Twilight.” ? Is there even another book? Is this movie totally made up? Is it fanfic? IS THIS 50 SHADES OF GRAY?

Wait… Lee Pace is in this movie? Which vampire is he? Did we see him already? I’m just going to assume he is one of the vampires because there are no humans in this story. It’s like The Vampire Diaries only… not as good (let’s face it, TVD isn’t good anymore, sigh). So which vampire is ThrandyPace? Is he like…some super ancient Roman vampire? Is he a newborn French Revolution vampire? Will I recognize him at all? Will he have character development? WAIT. LET ME GUESS. HE IS IN LOVE WITH BELLA SWAN. Because… WHO ISN’T? *WEEPS* At least I’ll get some not at all quality Thrandy time into this viewing.

What will make it awesome?


Um…if this one is more honest than Part 1 was?  I felt like that movie really glossed over a lot of the questionable parts of the storyline (again I refer you to Edward’s mouth cesarean of demon-vampire-baby).

Also if this condenses the bloat of the second half of the book, which was 800 pages for no real reason…it should’ve been the shortest in the series based on how much actually happens in it.

Or if Carlisle busts out a Mike Dexter reference. I’m sure he could do a nice “I’ll kick everyone’s ass in this field!” when the Volturi show up.

Honestly, what will make this movie awesome is if it gives me lots of opportunities to laugh at it. So since that’s why I’m going in the first place, I’m pretty much guaranteed a good time, right?



What will make it suck?


If Lee Pace is only in it for like 5 seconds. He might be…I seriously cannot remember who his character is from the book, which I read once and promptly burned.  So since I’m kind of depending on him to be my saving grace here, this could go badly for me.

Otherwise…if they rewrite this part to be that terrible sort of not awful but not good, just not good to make fun of kind of thing. That would suck. I demand the opportunity to heckle and jeer! 


If I run out of alcohol.

Additional thoughts on casting or production or trailer?


Not really.  I’ve already brought up Lee Pace twice so I’ll lay off him…I think that was the only memorable casting for me for the new characters.  I always enjoy Jasper, although I know I won’t see much of him since he and Alice run off and aren’t going to be in this film much.  Actually, add this to the “make it awesome” tally—just watch Alice and Jasper run around South America looking for other demon vampire babies who grew up instead of staying with boring-ass Bella and Edward.


My favorite person in the Twilight movies is the snarky normal one that made fun of Bella’s ridiculous wedding. The one played by the actress that got the Oscar nom. Anna Kendrick. That one. Is she in part elventybillion? Or are there really going to be ZERO humans?

Also, someone please tell me why Dakota Fanning is in this monstrosity. That girl is a real actress who does not need to slum it by having two lines in a vampire movie. I know Kirsten Dunst was adorable in Interview… but Dakota cannot possibly have more than a couple of lines. She was in the other one… she could… make people’s head’s explode? Right? That was her? I hope she’s making absolute PILES of money. 

Reaction to film?


I was sadly nowhere near as drunk as I had planned, but I was even more covered in fake blood in the uterine area than I had anticipated! (Note to self: fake blood is super-viscous.)  I had Edward with me, still sporting his blood-stache from delivering Renesmee, Carlie Spork Cullen, and Jacob creepily holding a baby doll and whispering about his “precious” and birthday presents.  (Note:  I…was with two female friends so this picture now becomes even more hilarious.)  Do I need to tell you how much fun I had?

Good.  Let’s just talk about this disaster, then.

Wow. This movie was pretty much everything I hoped for in terms of being excellent to make fun of.  There was something new every ten seconds or so.  Man.  But I will let Rachel call out those moments in her live blog for you. I’ll try and focus on the bigger picture stuff.


Where to start.  Okay, I’ll start with some positives.  I really liked the way they handled the ending with the Volturi which, let’s face it, is super-lame in the book.  It’s basically one line of throwaway dialogue from Alice, and the problem is solved.  Because Alice solves all problems?  Hrmm…seems like she causes them more than solves them throughout the series.  Anyway.  Here she gets to be the Big Damn Hero and save the day. I mean, her and Jasper basically rolled onto that snow-covered field like Mal and Zoe (though I’m not sure who that leaves to be Jayne hanging out of the ship…random Brazilian Savage?).  But what was the awesome part was we actually GOT a final battle. Even though I knew it was going to be an Alice vision, there was a moment when I questioned that, when I was wondering what if they DO change this up and this is really happening? Like whoa, damn, that would be epic. I was getting ready for a standing ovation (didn’t happen).

Other things I enjoyed:  Jacob’s strip-tease for Charlie.  Oh, holy shit.  I mean, of course they were going to take every opportunity to let Jacob get naked, but, I mean…they went for it with that scene. Taylor Lautner went for it.  And Billy Burke did his job of being Bella’s awesome, hapless dad, and how else would a dad like that react to his daughter’s ex-suitor, whom he had tried to push her toward, getting naked in front of him to “tell him something important” than to try and run.  The lolz abounded.

Also great?  EVERY SECOND LEE PACE WAS ON SCREEN!  Nola gal that I am, I was so pleased that they found him in New Orleans. I mean, of course reckless vampire Lee Pace hangs out here and eats drunk tourists (closest thing vampires can get to a buzz, what?) and tells Civil War stories to the locals.  Shit, now I’m wondering if the guy who made me toast to General Lee (no joke, that really happened to me in a bar here once) was RandyThrandy in disguise!  And, man, they just gave him every one-liner everyone will want to quote later to make fun of.  “Woman, I’ll follow you anywhere!”  “Name a battle.  I was there.  I helped win it.”  Lee was great.  He knew what this role was.  He went after it honey badger style.  He just really didn’t give a shit.  He knew he was better than this, and he came out with his dick swingin’ and owned it anyway.  So much fun to watch.  Now I am even more pumped for the Hobbit Part Whenever Lee Pace Shows Up.

And finally in things I liked—LANCEL LANNISTER IS ONE OF THE VOLTURI?!?!?! What?  How did I not know that?  Oh, god, every time he was on stage…more wine, sir?  This was like…Lancel got made into a vampire and was really determined not to be anyone’s bitch after suffering Cersei and Tyrion’s rule for so long.  He was all about taking names and taking heads.

Those were the good points.  Considering this movie was what, three hours long, that’s precious few.

What can I say about Bella and Edward’s (or any of them’s) acting that hasn’t already been said?  It isn’t very good.  Edward’s expression moved from constipated for four straight movies to sickeningly proud of himself (guess he  finally dropped that deuce?).   Dude…stop smirking.  Just because you knocked up your wife and she survived it, and your kid is special…you still don’t get a pass for being that self-satisfied.

I was disappointed with the producers for STILL not giving me a Mike Dexter line.  COME ON!  We all know the only reason anyone recognizes him is from being Mike Dexter.

The plot (“plot”) of this part remained as ridiculous as I remembered from the book.  Watching Jacob bonding with Nessie on screen was even creepier than it was to read about.  Maybe because the movies have just gone so far out of their way to sexualize Jacob, with the bulging muscles and shirtlessness at every chance and bedroom eyes.  I still hate the idea that the only reason he and Bella ever liked each other was because of her ovaries.  The military has a word for that:  FUBAR.  Also, can I reiterate that Nessie will apparently be full grown when she is SEVEN.  SEVEN.  Oh my god that is beyond fucked up.  So far beyond it comes around behind and kicks super fucked up in the ass.

Also what the shit was that with Bella buying them secret identities so they could run off and disappear from the Volturi?  It was…look, in the book there is a whole thing about how the werewolves and Nessie share some chromosomal abnormality that make them (1) genetically compatible and (2) immune to vampire mind tricks, so it almost made sense that she do that because then they would actually be untraceable.  But here it was just…one more plot point the movies refused to cut even though they didn’t make sense in the context that has been presented via film.

The vampire variety show was painful.  So United Colors of Benaton, so United Nations.  How does Carlisle make all these friends if he actually spends all his time parked in small towns hiding from vampire society?

I need another drink. Let’s see what Rachel thought.


I present to you the best of my live blog (because it’s 7 pages and I love you guys. I don’t hate you.)

On the opening scene:

No dialogue yet. Just staring. Oh I think he spit mumbled to himself just now.

“WE’RE THE SAME TEMPATURE NOW?” THAT WAS THE FIRST LINE OF THE FUCKING MOVIE.  More staring.  I think she just stabbed him…oh no just a hug. Kill him. Squeeze him until his head pops right off. Omg vampire super-fast hand job? What is going on?

Jacob’s first scene:

Hi Jacob. ‘You’re still here.’
‘Well yea…gotta bang your infant daughter while you’re out.’

Renesmee’s fucking nickname:


Also, can we go back to the idea that the only reason bella ever liked jacob was bc the potential fetus she hadn’t conceived yet was the one into the wolfboy? WHAT?

The Sex Scene:

“vampires dont sleep” youre right. VAMPIRES BONE. SO GET TO IT.

Boring blurry sex scene. TIME FOR MORE BOOZE. (don’t forget to get a close up of the wedding ring. This is god approved boning people. Between soulless demons.)

“I’m never going to get enough of it. How are we going to ever stop?” – literally would rather an asteroid hit the planet before I ever had to hear that line.

Prepping Bella to meet Charlie:

Did the vampire family just teach her how to do a Kristen Stewart impression?

The Soundtrack:

I think the music is so bad bc no one can actually sit thru this film sober. So they had a robot approx a soundtrack.

Jacob says something snarky about wolves being cooler than vampires:

“She wishes she was that awesome.” Yea jacob. Bc she wants to turn into an animal that can lick its own asshole. Why? When she’s got Edward for that?

Vampire Arm Wrestling:


Oh no…LAMER. Vampire ARM wrestling.


Random Volturi Flashback:

“The Voltori are coming for us.” THANK GAWD. It’s been 2 hours right? Everyone dies. The End.

I know I’m getting super awkward backstory but all of these famous people in blond wigs look the same and … I just don’t give a damn. Oh look… a beheading.

Jacob and Renesmee (and some Italians):

Oh look Nessy can talk. And Jacob is sitting next to her in the car. I AM SKEEVED OUT. THIS IS WEIRD.

Oh good now he’s carrying her around. This is the most fucked up.. .weird ass… this is like.. .and the fact that the actress playing Nessy is all eyelinered up like a child bride… ughhhhhh. STOPPIT. PEDOSHIIIIT.

Ok so some people are teaching Nessy to control weather and then some amazon Xena princess sidekicks show up? This is the type of shit that should be CUT OUT of a film adaptation. Cluttered weird stuff that just confuses an already muddled weak storyline. Some random dude just made a beatles joke. Why do I care about this guy? 

Does Nessy have some kind of brainwashing ability? I don’t. Get. It.

Oh good now we’re adding more werewolves. Jacob really DOES only like younglings.

The half hour of gathering the various X-men Vampires is BORING. I AM BORED.

Good a fight. For no reason that I can discern.

UGH… they totally CGId this poor child actress’ face so she looks like…older and more like a sex doll for a perv.

I feel like I just blacked out because suddenly cgi wolves are chasing a bunch of italians who are VERY OBVIOUSLY running in place

Prepping for the Boss Fight

I feel myself overcome with a sense of narcolepsy. Like in order to save myself my brain is turning off. Just powering off. Rebelling bc I can’t fucking WATCH all these plastic, over makeuped barbies flap their gums at each other ANY. MORE.

Bella is a vampire dampening net. “Dude, you’re not motivating her.” I… dont think this is about motivation ,guys. I think its more that no one explains anything and there dont seem to be rules so it looks impossible to teach anyone about their mutant abilities. Where’s Professor X?

Wouldn’t it be fucking hilarious if Edward just burned up and died right now? And the credits started rolling? Or is that just my deepest desire? 

Kstew is reading the pedo-doll some kind of pornographic novel about wolf sex.

Did Kstew just say “physical. I feel like I could demolish a tank.” She has experience with being the Hulk then? Bc looks to me like her ass is sitting on a couch.

This Plot You Guys:

Now I’m in a mall. Jesus Christ. I’m in a mall restaurant with yet another nameless character that will talk more than the protagonist.

Can we go back to the whole idea that the reason the bad vamps are after everyone is because they want Alice to complete their freakshow? SO WHY IS THE MOVIE STILL GOING ON? WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?

Somewhere in the snowy North:

Hey we’re in iceland or some shit.

Why are they even here? Was there some kind of agreement that everyone was going to meet in this snowy field in Iceland? Theyre about to battle some motherfucking … time lords? Dementors? Extras from the jersey shore?

OH GOD OF COURSE WOLVES TOO. Lets make the inevitable CGI nightmore even WORSE. 


They do know that Alice isn’t even HERE right?

Ok they’ve been walking back and forth on the snow talking to each other for at least 35 minutes now. Can’t they just kill each other so I can stop watching this shit?

Michael Sheen just figured out he was in a Twilight movie. That is the ONLY explanation for the muppet noise he just made.

Heyyy… bitch from Lost. What’s up? Haven’t seen you in 5 days or so.

Bahaha… this is why vampires need CELL PHONES. Just like… call people “did you make a vampire baby?  No? Ok cool.”


“So no laws broken. Let’s just disperse, cool?” “Nah…we all came all this way to get here so I think we should kill each other for no reason, k?” “Yea… I guess.”

UGHHH. …. ALICE JUST SHOWED UP… wtfffffff.  MORE BORING TALKING SHIT. They were gonna kill each other you dumb whore.  YOU’RE RUINING IT.


The Battle:

I think I’m supposed to care about these damn wolves that are dying but I actually have no idea who they are.


Still haven’t decided which team of dead people I’m rooting for.


Is there Lava down there? WTH?

Oh…Edward can fly I guess. Guess that means Dakota is left to get her ass killed by Alice the Wig. FEAR THE WIG.

I assume Alice the Wig giving Dakota to the black wolf was significant for some reason? Oh hey the Albino is still alive. How’s Lancel doing? Did Lancel Die? Or did guy who used to date Ginny Weasley die? Are they both in this movie or did I make one of them up?

The Final Blows:

Bella and Edward are fighting Michael Sheen – its kind of incomprehensible. Oh Bella just pulled his head off. Ok.



What a mother fucking ass cop out. THIS. IS. BATTLE. THIS. MUST. HAPPEN. You can’t have a whole series end with a bunch of jerkfaces IN A FIELD just be like “cool, peace out. Donzo. See ya at Thanksgiving.”

Remember when the Mayans showed up?:

Why are there native americans? Is this bc I typed Thanksgiving? Bc they appeared AS SOON as I typed it.

Oh gooood. Half Human Half Vampire Mayan or something.  Confirming to Jacob that he can start boning Nessie in 7 years… probably 4 if no one is looking.

Hey Mayan Dude… YOU ARE IN ICELAND. You ain’t cold?




This was 5 hours of people zooming around in the woods and pedophilia and talking about bullshit and THEN NOTHING HAPPENED. A wolf howled.


The End:

No one has ever hated this movie as much as I hate it, Bella. With one exception. These two fucking actors. Kstew…RPatz… you have my eternal mocking to take with you to the sparkly bank.

Twilight Saga Marathon Trailer Released

Do you remember how it all began? The boy at Forks High School with the strange eyes; Bella trying to figure out how he stopped the car from crushing her in the parking lot. Bella, alone in the woods with Edward, breathing the word vampire on the chill, humid air for the first time. How about the very first time Jacob transforms? When we first meet the sinister Volturi. Or the beautiful outdoor event that was Bella and Edward’s wedding?

These moments and more can be re-lived during the Twilight Saga Marathon event. So, call all your girl friends and buy your tickets soon.

Summit Entertainment is responsible for the cinematic event, which will include a five-film marathon of The Twilight Saga. That’s right, your ticket gives you access to re-watch Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn part one, all in one day, just before seeing for the first time ever, the latest and final installment, Breaking Dawn part two. Fandango has revealed that the event happens November 15th, 2012 at theaters across North America. They also unveiled a nostalgic new trailer just for the Twilight Saga Marathon. It features some of those famous Twilight moments, including the chilling scene where the army of Newborns walks out of the sea.

That ain’t all, either. Wait until you get to the part of the new trailer which features scenes from the new film! We’ve got more vampires to meet, and some of them have special abilities. What am I saying? We have yet to meet Mrs. Bella Cullen as a Newborn vamp! She’s got some surprises left to reveal herself!

I know what you’re thinking. Won’t a marathon of the magnitude last all day? Sure it will. But we hear the final film, Breaking Dawn part two, will strike at about 10 pm as a part of that event. Maybe that will give you an idea of how long you’ll be sitting in the theater.

If you have your own plans for marathon at home or just want to skip right to the exiting final film, worry not, you can choose to watch The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 all by itself in North American theaters, beginning on November 16th, 2012. That date isn’t so far away now, either!

Will the wolves team up with the Cullens and their new friends against the Volturi? Will there be betrayals? Will any of our favorites die? What will become of Bella and Edward’s daughter? Will Bella kill Jacob for imprinting on her?

I can answer one question. What’s the craziest part of this trailer? Near the end in the final, frozen, epic battle against the Volturi, it looks like Edward swings his wife into an enemy, putting some serious momentum behind her kick. That was a little weird, yes? It reminds me of Marvel comics Wolverine doing his fast ball special.

Breaking Dawn part one was the 4th highest-grossing film of 2011 worldwide. Will Breaking Dawn part two do just as well? Part two is directed also by Bill Condon. The screenplay came from Melissa Rosenberg and Stephenie Meyer herself. Seeing the last picture in the franchise is pretty exciting stuff, but you have also heard that there’s a special unscripted scene the actors got together and filmed as a gift and tribute to director Bill Condon. Now that will be a noteworthy sequence to watch!

Two of our newest vampires are Christian Camargo as Eleazar and Mía Maestro as Carmen. Maestro sang a track for the last film’s soundtrack.

11 New Promo Images For The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 2

For those of you stoked about the upcoming finale movie installment in The Twilight Saga, you’ll be happy to see these 11 new promo images recently revealed online. And yes they all look positively brooding and/or ridiculous because it wouldn’t be Twilight unless all the vampires and werewolves were angsty (although the one of Stewart above appears she is sort of smiling, so thats something)

Despite being amidst a cheating scandal between stars/ former lovers Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, the film is expected to still do extremely well in the box office. The Bill Condon-directed adaptation opens in theaters on November 16.

Check out the new promo images below:


Based on Stephenie Meyer’s “Twilight” series, the film’s large cast includes:

Main cast
  • Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan/Cullen
  • Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen
  • Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black
  • Peter Facinelli as Carlisle Cullen
  • Elizabeth Reaser as Esme Cullen
  • Ashley Greene as Alice Cullen
  • Kellan Lutz as Emmett Cullen
  • Nikki Reed as Rosalie Hale
  • Jackson Rathbone as Jasper Hale
  • Billy Burke as Charlie Swan
  • Sarah Clarke as Renée Dwyer
  • Julia Jones as Leah Clearwater
  • Booboo Stewart as Seth Clearwater
  • MyAnna Buring as Tanya
  • Maggie Grace as Irina
  • Casey LaBow as Kate
  • Michael Sheen as Aro
  • Jamie Campbell Bower
  • Christopher Heyerdahl as Marcus
  • Chaske Spencer as Sam Uley
  • Christian Camargo as Eleazar
  • Mía Maestro as Carmen
  • Mackenzie Foy as Renesmee Cullen
Part 2 adds new cast members:
  • Dakota Fanning as Jane
  • Cameron Bright as Alec
  • Charlie Bewley as Demetri
  • Daniel Cudmore as Felix
  • Noel Fisher as Vladimir
  • Guri Weinberg as Stefan
  • Lee Pace as Garrett
  • Joe Anderson as Alistair
  • Judi Shekoni as Zafrina
  • Tracey Huggins as Senna
  • J.D. Pardo as Nahuel
  • Rami Malek as Benjamin

Watch The New Teaser Clip From Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2

Summit Entertainment made a smart decision a few weeks ago when they decided to air the first official trailer for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 during the previews for The Hunger Games. But they also released a short tease clip for the trailer that will hit theaters on Friday. The clip is only 14 seconds long, but that is enough to appease twihards till Friday.

Part 2 will open in theaters on November 16th and is also directed by Bill Condon with the script coming from Melissa Rosenberg. The film is based on the fourth novel in the Twilight book series, written by Stephenie Meyer.

The official plot for Part 2 continues after the birth of Bell and Edwards daughter, Renesmee. Bella is now official a vampire and is enjoying her new life and abilities. Problems ensue (And not because Jacob is creepily in love with their daughter) when vampire Irina, thinks Renesmee is an immortal child. Creating vampire children has been outlawed by the Volturi. They promptly decide to destroy Renesmee and the Cullens. But in order to survive, the Cullens gather other vampire clans from around the world to help prove that Renesemee isn’t an immortal child and protect their family.

The Cast of Part 2 Includes:

All actors listed for Part 1 will reprise their roles in Part 2.

  • Mackenzie Foy as Renesmee Cullen, Edward and Bella’s daughter who is half-human half-vampire, imprinted on by Jacob Black (werewolf/shape-shifter). She can transmit her thoughts into one’s mind through words and/or pictures.
  • Dakota Fanning as Jane, a loyal servant to the Volturi
  • Cameron Bright as Alec, a loyal servant to the Volturi
  • Charlie Bewley as Demetri, a loyal servant to the Volturi
  • Daniel Cudmore as Felix, a loyal servant to the Volturi
  • Noel Fisher as Vladimir, one of the twelve founders of the ancient, but deceased, Romanian coven
  • Guri Weinberg as Stefan, one of the twelve founders of the Romanian coven
  • Lee Pace as Garrett, an adventurous nomad
  • Joe Anderson as Alistair, a solitary nomad
  • Judi Shekoni as Zafrina, a member of the Amazon coven
  • Tracey Huggins as Senna, a member of the Amazon coven
  • J.D. Pardo as Nahuel, a vampire hybrid
  • Rami Malek as Benjamin, a member of the Egyptian coven

You can see the teaser clip below:

Frances Fisher Joins The Host

Frances Fisher joins the cast of Andrew Niccol’s The Host. The project which is being helmed by Open Road Films is based on the 2008 novel of the same name, written by author Stephenie Meyer, of The Twilight Saga fame.

I was crestfallen too when I realized this wasn’t a Hollywood adaptation of Joon-Ho Bong’s 2006 cult classic film, The Host.

Here is a synopsis of The Host from the official Stephenie Meyer website:

“Melanie Stryder refuses to fade away.

Our world has been invaded by an unseen enemy. Humans become hosts for these invaders, their minds taken over while their bodies remain intact and continue their lives apparently unchanged. Most of humanity has succumbed.

When Melanie, one of the few remaining “wild” humans is captured, she is certain it is her end. Wanderer, the invading “soul” who has been given Melanie’s body, was warned about the challenges of living inside a human: the overwhelming emotions, the glut of senses, the too vivid memories. But there was one difficulty Wanderer didn’t expect: the former tenant of her body refusing to relinquish possession of her mind.

Wanderer probes Melanie’s thoughts, hoping to discover the whereabouts of the remaining human resistance. Instead, Melanie fills Wanderer’s mind with visions of the man Melanie loves—Jared, a human who still lives in hiding. Unable to separate herself from her body’s desires, Wanderer begins to yearn for a man she has been tasked with exposing. When outside forces make Wanderer and Melanie unwilling allies, they set off on a dangerous and uncertain search for the man they both love.”

Touted by Meyer’s as ‘Science fiction for people who don’t like science fiction’ it again tries to blend in genres from different walks of life. This time turning science-fiction horror into a romance story. It’s the romantic version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Here the parasites in your head will fight with you over the man you love. A far stretch from supernatural creatures fighting over a girl.

So that’s another nerd area of interest that’s been co-opted into teeny romance. First it was vampires, then it was zombies, now it’s science-fiction in general. What’s next? Chainsaw for hands action heroes that treat women with respect? Where will the sub-genre of blood obsessed nerds; which I dub Dark Nerd; take us next? What used to be the realm of socially inept males with no future romantic prospects has slowly turned into the goldmine for the romance infusion. The target demographic of teenage girls. Are these the girls that were raised by their single parent dads? The ones that manned up and took care of their daughters, only to infect them with their nerd values? Somehow I picture a D&D based romance coming on the horizon.

You know what would really bother me? A production company making a romantic bastardization of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. I can picture it now, teenage girls swooning over goth pretty boys with a unholy preference for knives.

Fisher will play the role of Maggie Stryder, Melanie’s aunt. Included in this film are Jake Abel, Max Irons, Saoirse Ronan, Diane Kruger and William Hurt. The movie is expected to hit theaters a few months after the end of the Vampire era, March 29, 2013.

The Hunger Games Beats Twilight’s Fandango Ticket Sales

I will go ahead and admit it, I bought tickets to The Hunger Games midnight showing  on March 23rd. I am so excited for this film and apparently I am not alone. Many theaters sold out within hours of the preorder sale hitting the web. Many online ticket retailers began selling tickets for the upcoming film on February 22, almost a month before the movie is set to hit theaters.

Fandango, one of the worlds leading movie ticket sites, announced that the advance ticketing records were set by the big screen adaptation and that the film has already sold out hundreds of showtimes in advance of the film’s March 23 release date.

Even more stunning was that (as we have predicted would happen at this site) tickets for The Hunger Games preorder tickets broke the previous first day advance ticket-seller record held by The Twilight Saga: Eclipse on Friday, May 14, 2010. We all kind of knew this was going to be a huge movie, but it definitely looks like it will be the next huge trilogy to grace the silver screen.

“‘The Hunger Games’ is off to a fantastic start,” says Rick Butler, Executive Vice President and General Manager of Fandango. “Yesterday we saw the biggest first day advance ticketing sales in our company’s nearly 12-year history – which is especially impressive for a March release and a non-sequel.”

Many theaters are continuing to add new showtimes as a way to please fans and accommodate the demand for opening weekend tickets.

It definitely looks like Lionsgate made the right choice picking up The Hunger Games trilogy. These movies are going to be huge and with three more movies to follow, you can safely say it is going to be dominating the movie franchise world for a while.

The Hunger Games is the movie adaptation of the bestselling novel by Suzanne Collins. It is followed by the sequels Catching Fire and Mockingjay. 

The plot for the film is as follows:

Every year in the ruins of what was once North America, the governing body, the Capitol, of the nation of Panem forces each of its twelve districts to send a teenage boy and girl to compete in the Hunger Games. A twisted punishment for a past uprising and an ongoing government intimidation tactic, The Hunger Games are a nationally televised event in which “Tributes” must fight with one another until one survivor remains. Katniss Everdeen volunteers as a tribute to save her sister from going in to the ghastly arena. She is joined by Peeta Mellark, a boy she knew who once saved her life.

You can see the official cast below:

  • Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen
  • Josh Hutcherson as Peeta Mellark
  • Woody Harrelson as Haymitch Abernathy
  • Willow Shields as Primrose “Prim” Everdeen
  • Liam Hemsworth as Gale Hawthorne
  • Elizabeth Banks as Effie Trinket
  • Lenny Kravitz as Cinna
  • Paula Malcomson as Mrs. Everdeen
  • Amandla Stenberg as Rue
  • Alexander Ludwig as Cato
  • Dayo Okeniyi as Thresh
  • Isabelle Fuhrman as Clove
  • Jacqueline Emerson as Foxface
  • Leven Rambin as Glimmer
  • Jack Quaid as Marvel
  • Donald Sutherland as President Snow
  • Stanley Tucci as Caesar Flickerman
  • Wes Bentley as Seneca Crane
  • Latarsha Rose as Portia

You can see the two official television trailers for the film below:

Let the Twilight Games Begin!

It’s official, there is no deity out there looking out for our best interests. All viewings of The Hunger Games in theaters will be preceded by a trailer of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2.

This move was announced by Lionsgate to investors during a hoity-toity third quarter business call.

I’m sure this was to assure investors that yes, we’re still doing our absolute best in milking our target demographic. Or to infer that the success of one movie will transfer by osmosis and contribute to the success of their latest venture. The basic message, “You’re guaranteed to make money on this!” This was an expected marketing move as Lionsgate recently acquired Summit Entertainment, which previously distributed the “Twilight Saga” films.

Lionsgate Chief Executive Officer Jon Feltheimer said:

“We’re very excited about the opportunities created by our recent acquisition of Summit Entertainment. The February 11 home entertainment release of ‘Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn 1,’ the March 23 theatrical release of ‘Hunger Games’ and the November 16 theatrical release of ‘Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn 2’ lead a strong combined slate that we believe will enable us to deliver increased consistency, profitability and value to our shareholders.”

As with all corporate goons, I picture someone wearing a Bela Lugosi vampire type costume while talking about the value of money. Possibly with a fangy accent.

The Hunger Games is another fantasy novel aimed at young female teens, but while Twilight is a fantasy novel where men act the way woman want them to, the Hunger Games is more like the Japanese cult classic film, Battle Royal; where the worst school children are shipped off to an island with exploding collars and issued random weapons to kill one another. So both films; Twilight and the Hunger Games; feature female leads in weird love triangles… So I heard. I swear I haven’t read the books.

As there are twice as much women in the world as men; that live longer by feeding off of us; these contemporary, “Chick flicks” do their best to cash in on the myth that love is real. I won’t be surprised if these movies are remastered in the future using the George Lucas method; slowly re-releasing with never seen before cut footage in special box sets.

Why would they do this? For this I examined what Mina Kelly of Boomtron had to say about Twilight products,

“Fans will likely look past all the blood and gore focusing more on the love story of Bella and Edward. Rewinding and Fast-forwarding to their favourite bits and pieces of the movie which DVD’s and Blu-Rays lend very well to. The idea of the romantic vampire and immortal love is indeed held in very high esteem by the young adult. While everyone likes a good love story, I remember when vampires were brutal, undead killing machines, not sparkling pretty boys.”

When videos used to be rented on VHS, I recall getting movies that would play at weird speeds at certain scenes.  As if someone had rewound it to that spot and paused a countless number of times for some unwholesome reason.

Oh yes, fans will see it in the theater and buy it as well, many, many times over to come. What a gullible fan base. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some Star Wars remastered lego clone animation on Blu-Ray to watch.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1 Surpasses $700 Million


The massively popular fourth installment on The Twilight Saga is making tons of money. Literally. I am pretty sure if you put all the money its made into a box it would weigh a ton. How much has it earned? Well it was recently announced that it has passed the $700 million mark worldwide. Continue reading

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 Sneak Peak?

When you think of a sneak peak for an upcoming film, you usually think it will be at a theater or on a dvd release right? Well Target stores have decided to exclusively debut the sneak peak of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 at its stores. So if you haven’t had enough of Bella and Edwards weird romance, then the sneak peak is something you will definitely want to be present for. Note, however, you will need tickets to the event though so plan ahead if you want to watch it. Continue reading