Anyone who reads any kind of entertainment news, or really ever turns on a television, knows that HBO’s “Game of Thrones,” “True Blood,” and AMC’s “The Walking Dead,” are incredibly popular. They have dominated award shows, viewership has been through the roof, they include impressive casts, and people generally can’t stop talking about them.
All three shows house some of the worst TV mother’s. It seems each of these characters have their own self interest in mind rather than their child and continually do harm to that child whether physically or emotionally. In short, they are the worst. But we can’t blame the writing, these moms are adaptations of characters from written work, they were written to be terrible for a reason.
(It is also weird that all three characters start with the letter “L”)
So here is a countdown of the three worst television mothers.
3. Lysa Arryn/Tully (Game of Thrones)
Looking at Lysa’s character from both the TV standpoint and ASOIAF, it is painfully obvious for the audience and other characters that Lysa does not have her son’s best interest in mind.
She creepily continues to breastfeed her son, Robert, in a way that could be a poster for attachment parenting, though the biggest issue is her continual overprotection and isolationism of the son. She also denies the boy almost nothing, giving in to his whims, basically teaching him nothing of the real world outside the Vale.
Her mental instability and paranoia have resulted in her secluding herself and her son in the Eyrie. Even though she has a chance to send Robert to be fostered else where (where he would be kept safe), she denies, keeping the weakling son in her arms and at her breast. Robert is getting no training on how to defend himself in a world where everyone dies pretty damn quickly and often.
ASOIAF Spoiler Ahead
Because of Lysa’s extreme overprotection of Robert, when she dies, he becomes also mentally unstable attempting to latch on to whatever maternal figure he can find.
Lysa is not the worst mother out there, but in the world that they live in, he needs to learn to fight, to be brave, not to rely on others to keep him safe. Sansa learned that lesson the hard way, and Robert will too.
2. Lettie Mae (True Blood)
I had reservations about putting her on this list because while she is TERRIBLE, she appears infrequently. However, last weeks episode proved just how awful Lettie Mae can be.
Mother to Tara Thornton (who is in her own right annoying), Lettie Mae has done some serious mind fucking over the years. An abusive alcoholic, Lettie Mae spent Tara’s life neglecting her, beating her, and verbally abusing her. yet she uses her bond as her mother to excersize control over Tara, such as getting her to give her money for an exorcism. While this ended up working psychologically to help Lettie Maw recover from addiction, it doesn’t save their relationship in the long run.
When Tara is distraught over the death of Eggs, Lettie Maw is more preoccupied with getting with the Reverend than helping her daughter. Tara then almost commits suicide while Lettie is failing to keep an eye on her.
After she married the Reverend, Lettie Mae disowns Tara as she is an embarrassment to the preacher’s wife (though being fucking nuts isn’t for some reason?)
Lettie Mae can be cited as one of the reasons Tara is “so screwed up” as an adult. Tara has followed in her mothers footsteps with alcoholism in the past as well as having low self esteem and being generally cold hearted and mean to those who try to get close to her. I think it is reasonable to believe that if Tara had a mother like Gran she would have turned out a little better.
Instead we have a character that hardly anyone likes and who seems to be angry all the time. UGH. Thanks a lot Lettie Mae, lets hope the Reverend doesn’t find a new younger wife and divorce you like he did his previous wife. (I also want to point out that even though she has been :saved” she still walks around and talks like she is drunk ALL THE TIME.)
1. Lori (The Walking Dead)
We all know this list isn’t complete with out Lori. There is so many reasons why we love to hate her. (Not to mention the actress, Sarah Wayne Callies, portrays the character perfectly.)
Let start with the Shane situation. Even in the post-apocalyptic world, you shouldn’t sleep with your husband’s best friend. Plenty of others are not out getting it on zombie style during the apocalypse and yet she chose to do the horizontal dance with Shane (not even Daryl c’mon hasn’t she seen Boondock Saints?) Shane becomes surrogate father for her son Carl, yet when Rick shows up, she doesn’t even want Shane around. She never considered that Carl might want/need Shane around as he had been there, bonding with him. Instead she pushes Shane away, instigating more and more animosity among the group.
And the biggest reason of all. SHE NEVER KEEPS TRACK OF CARL. What kind of mother does this? One is selfish and manipulative. She is also against her son learning vital survival skills in a world where protecting oneself is KEY. She also never really connects with her son in their trying times or listens to what he has to say. Carl is consistently getting away from the group, because lets face it he is still a KID even in the apocalyptic world, yet Lori never seems to notice and remains obvious to the location of her child.
She says she is first and foremost a mother, yet she exceedingly fails in the role.
As a Spider-Man fan, you obviously think the world needs another manifestation of Spidey. True or False? Discuss.
Rachel-
Well…this is kind of a trick question for me. While I was OK with the first two Raimi Spidey flicks, the third one was so heinous that I’m all for throwing all of them out and pretending they never existed. IT WAS THE MOST HORRIBLE THING. THE MOST. Plus I was never really sold on Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker anyways, mainly because HE ISN’T FUNNY AT ALL.
So yea…I guess we did need a reboot of the Spiderman franchise if only to make something better. Do I think we needed ANOTHER origin story? Absolutely not. Everyone gets Spiderman. Nerd bit by a spider is now a super hero. LET’S MOVE ON. Let’s just make movies out of some of his better story arcs. Like THAT is a novel idea.
But that didn’t happen. We got another origin story.
Still. SPIDERMAN! Do you even like Spiderman? Or are you a DC person?
Elena-
Ha! You can’t trick me with your false dilemma!
The truth is…NEITHER.
There. I said it. I admitted it in public after three and a half long years: I am a nerd who doesn’t do comics.
Look, I have nothing against them. I just didn’t read them as a kid, and they have never grabbed me as an adult, and so I have no intimate knowledge of or attachment to any comic book heroes. As a general rule of thumb, superheroes bore the shit out of me. I think I just don’t like the amount of disbelief I have to suspend in order to accept the stories is too much to bear.
Spiderman is…um. At least he’s not Superman? At least he’s supposed to be nerdy and lame and kind of smart so at least he’s better than dumb jock whose only power or relevance is that he’s an alien?
Rachel-
This Spidey is British and his girlfriend is Emma Stone. Do you like this better than Tobey “SadSack” Maguire and Kirsten Dunst? <—- I almost typed Kristen Stewart…the horror.
Elena-
Shudders. Oh, god, the horror indeed. Heart of Darkness style, “the horror…the horror.”
Anyway, yes, I like this pairing better. I don’t know why Tobey didn’t do it for me, but I was never interested enough in him or KiKi to actually see any of their movies.
When I saw the studio was making another Spiderman movie, I just assumed Tobey wanted to get paid too much and they replaced him. Instead it’s a complete reboot, which I guess I am actually the person they were after? The one person on the continent who might have been caught by an origin reboot but would have ignored Spiderman 4: The Amazing Face-Lift? So, congrats, Sony, you reached me.
I quite like Emma Stone, and while I am skeptical of Andrew Garfield—I liked him in whatever movie was our introduction but found him a weak-ass in Never Let Me Go (or maybe that was just what the character was written to be and he played it brilliantly)—I figured if nothing else I’d have a laugh picturing the Bachelor contestant from a couple seasons back who looked exactly like him. Seriously. She exists. Her name escapes me, but it was the season that happened right after NLMG came out, and that was all I could see every time she was on screen.
What did you think? Did Andrew Garfield make a better nerd cum dark avenger than Toby McGuire? Did starring in Never Let Me Go give him more nerd cred coming in?
Rachel-
I didn’t think I would like Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker as much as I did. True, he was a little less nerd and more hipster guy, but whatever. He’s skinny, he gets tongue-tied around girls, he cracks really lame jokes. That’s the Spiderman I know and love! Rock on, Andrew. (It helps that he gave a pretty heartfelt speech at last year’s Comic Con in a poorly fitting Spiderman costume about how much Spiderman meant to him growing up.) So I think he’s worthy. I think he is definitely worthy. Plus… DUDE DOES HIS OWN STUNTS.
Go cry somewhere else, Tobey…no one likes you.
Elena-
With a franchise that has been rebooted as many times as this one, do you still hold out hope for something new?
Rachel-
I’m just grateful I don’t have to sit through another Green Goblin story. (yet) Here’s the thing – a lot of Spiderman’s classic enemies are FUCKING STUPID. The rhino guy? Sand man? Mysterio? (OK, Mysterio could be cool…) So they don’t have a lot to pick from when it comes to appealing to the douchey masses. And no, we can’t have Venom or Carnage in the first movie of a trilogy. That would never happen.
I thought it was smart to bring Gwen Stacey back. It distances the franchise from the Raimi films, and it gives the comic book fans a character we love. I also liked the way they handled the Uncle Ben and Peter dynamic. We got to know Uncle Ben and they modernized Peter by taking away the embarrassing early amateur wrestling story line while still keeping homage to it in the film. The bullshit with Peter’s parents is a retcon we’ve all seen before, and it’s just as boring now as it was then. JUST FLING WEBBING AND BAD GUYS AND BE SARCASTIC. It’s all we want from Spiderman. Everything else is just bullshit.
Spiderman is a uniquely city-dwelling super hero. His power basically STICKS on the fact that there are lots of tall buildings around so do you think Spiderman is an ALL AMERICAN hero? (This movie came out on the Fourth of July and so this is fucking relevant, no?)
Elena-
Um. Uniquely American? No. Uniquely urban? Yes. But London has tall buildings. L.A. Tokyo. Hong Kong. Dubai. Uniquely Manhattan might be a better way to put it, since I am not sure any other city has the sheer length and breadth of skyscrapers crammed together that Manhattan offers a man of Spidey’s proclivities.
I do think since superheroes tend to be vigilante crime fighters they are all drawn to cities just because that is where the higher concentration of people are and thus where the higher concentration of crimes and/or potential targets for domestic terrorism are. I am guessing that Spidey flinging from pine tree to pine tree along the western Louisiana/eastern Texas meth corridor would be less interesting to watch for most people.
So tell me about your viewing experience. How many drinks did you need to get through it? Were you able to make up a new drinking game for this new franchise?
Rachel-
I was fairly entertained actually. I thought it was OK. I thought the middle was too long, the crane scene was embarrassing to watch and the soundtrack was HORRRRRRIIIIBBBLLLLEEE. Distractingly bad? Especially during the Lizard boss fight in the high school. Did you notice it? It knocked me COMPLETELY out of the film it was sooo bad.
Other things that were weird:
The film eventually gave up on a bunch of early storylines, like how Peter’s parents were basically super-secret genetic scientists who may or may not have genetically engineered their son to become a super hero if were ever bitten by one of their super special engineered spiders. Or something.
It also dropped the illegal experimentation on people story line (did that evil corporate douche ever make it off the bridge on his way to the veteran’s hospital?)
Lastly it dropped (but I think this time on purpose) the storyline involving Peter finding the man that murdered Uncle Ben. This was pretty smart, though, because it’s just more origin story shit, and I’m glad it went away. I didn’t want to watch Peter get all sad in the rain after he brought the killer to justice. I just wanted to see webslinging across the NYCscape. So bravo on that.
Everything else I assume was taken out because they realized in the editing room THAT IT WAS LAME.. Or they are planning on bringing it back for the sequel…which would suck.
E tu?
Elena-
I, too, found this movie surprisingly enjoyable. I basically walked in with the resolution to leave after an hour if I was not engaged by then. I wanted a popcorn flick; what I did not want was to feel like I’d have had a better night on my couch with Uncle Redenbocker and a True Blood catch-up marathon.
I…stayed till the very end and will probably see at least the first sequel.
Yeah. It was pretty fun. Not brilliant or original in any way, and I had to stop myself from thinking about it too much as I watched, because…oh my god, so many holes to poke about the world-building and medical tech. I think my biggest issues were (1) Peter’s reluctance to go all civil libertarian on Gwen’s dad and make a crack about how the NY po-po was too busy harassing minorities about Mary Jane (see? There was a place for her in this film, after all!) to catch actual criminals versus victimless crime facilitators, and (2) the super-fast genetic changes, and (3) the super-fast lizard-limb growth. Because, you know, lizards and starfish grow back their limbs spontaneously and not cell layer by cell layer over the course of months. And resequencing someone’s DNA can happen in a matter of SECONDS. You know, how viruses do it. Except OH WAIT, NO.
What. The. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
I also felt the limits of the genre as I watched it. Like, there were a lot of interesting places a movie like this could have gone but to go there would have meant it was not an action film. When Uncle Ben died I almost walked out, because I just cannot deal with any more guilt-driven angst “Oh, no, if I had only stepped in and stopped that guy RIGHT THEN Uncle Ben would still be alive, ergo I must never refuse a call for help againnnnn!” Luckily they did not use that tactic. The whole “with great power comes great responsibility” bit was annoying but not as much.
See, Peter here reminded me of a guy I knew in college. I could use Simon Tamm’s speech about River making him look like an idiot-child for this guy. Everyone we were friends with would talk about how he needed to use his “gifts” for the world, like he owed the fucking world something just because he was born with this hyper-intelligence. He just wanted to play music. And I have no issue with that. I don’t believe in the idea of obligations to society just because of what you were born (or in Peter’s case became by accident). I think it would be a more interesting story to me to have someone like him who just wants to be normal. Like I kind of thought halfway through that Gwen’s being a researcher and super-smart herself would lead to him asking her to cure him.
I think he likes being special too much, though. I really appreciated that they touched on the angle of how much of an asshole Peter was to Spark (or whatever the Jock’s name was)…how easy it is for bullying to go both ways so there is no clear victim and no clear bully.
I…don’t want to talk about the lizard man. That whole thing was awful. I could understand why the scientist gave himself the therapy but the fact that he suddenly became a boring super-nanny villain was just the lamest thing ever. The voice-over thought process in the sewer…oh, god. That was just embarrassing.
Name what (if anything) this version did better than any of the other Spiderman movies (recent or otherwise)
Rachel-
Speaking of webslinging…I really liked the way they did it in this film. They restored the man-made webslingers and really took advantage of Garfield’s athleticism to recreate moves we see in the comic books. I wasn’t a fan of the first person webslinging. That felt pretty gimmicky, but the rest of it was great. I also felt like this film was actually set in New York whereas Raimi’s films always LOOKED like they were filmed on a lot somewhere, probably on purpose, knowing Raimi.
I also got really, really happy when Peter was studying in his room while sticking to the wall. It’s the little things.
Elena-
And tell me about what this version utterly failed to achieve.
Rachel-
They certainly didn’t reinvent anything. The Lizard design was pretty bad. I’ve said it before and I’ll always say it – he looked like a goomba from the Mario Brothers movie. A goomba in a lab coat. Same grin.
I don’t know how rewatchable this film is either. I’ve only seen it once, so I can’t say I won’t enjoy it again, but the middle felt so long that I left the theater doubting whether I’d ever really want to watch it again.
That’s probably a terrible thing to say about a movie that I didn’t think was all that bad, but it’s true.
Elena-
I think that’s a really fair assessment, actually. It was enjoyable to watch at the time. Not something I will dwell on or watch multiple times. Any sequels will be subject to the same test this one was: is it more entertaining than being on my couch, yes or no?
I didn’t see anything here that could be iconic…nothing that will inspire this generation of kids to love Spiderman above all other superheroes.
Rachel-
I also thought that they really jumped the gun on rebooting the Spiderman franchise NOW. I think if they had waited even a year or two they could have rebooted with Ultimate Comics Spiderman – Miles Morales instead of Peter Parker. This new (he first appeared last year!) Spiderman is a young kid from Brooklyn. A young black kid. He may not be an icon yet like Parker, but Miles is important, and a super hero film featuring a big time title character played by a minority actor would have been HUGE. Sony and Marvel missed the boat on that one, but I’ll bet it happens eventually.
Of course…maybe we’ll see a John Stewart Green Lantern or a Justice League movie first! If DC can EVER GET IT’S SHIT TOGETHER.
What will you do if Hollywood forces yet another superhero origin story down our throats next summer?
Elena-
What I always do: ignore it unless it proves itself more interesting to me than its genre. Yeah. That’s pretty much how I handle them, always.
Do you see any hope for the future of this version of the franchise?
Rachel-
A fangirl can dream that Sony will work out something with Marvel and we can at LEAST get a little Spidey cameo in the next Avengers film?
Adapted from the novel of the same name by Seth Graham-Smith (novel/screenplay)
Why are you interested in this adaptation?
Elena-
I am interested in this movie primarily because all or at least significant parts of it were filmed in New Orleans. I spent a month last year running past a cordoned off section of grass in Audubon Park that was being grown out for use in this movie (seriously, it was labeled). It was enough to make me curious.
The premise…eh, the premise. At least it was an original story, which is more than I can say for Seth Grahame Smith’s atrocious mangling of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which I am still upset about not for messing with the canon of Austen but for doing it so fucking badly why did he call them underwear the whole book and oh my god why were there ninjas what the fuck that made no fucking sense and I need to take a deep breath or two and—
Okay. Yeah. So, at least an original story might be easier for him not to fuck up? And maybe there will be good costumes?
Rachel –
I am interested in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter because I can read English. How can you NOT be interested in a movie that portrays the 16th President of the United States as an axe-swinging Buffy?
HOW CAN YOU NOT?!
Now granted, I have seen the director’s past works (Nightwatch, Wanted) so I know I’m not in for a Tarantinoesque, tongue-in-cheek homage to the genre (is “Vampire movie” a genre yet?). I am in for a bunch of CGI with a lot of slo-mo and hopefully Benjamin Walker’s naked body.
Elena-
Wait, wait, wait, Nightwatch director did this one? THAT is why I’m interested! Nightwatch was pretty badass, if I recall correctly. I mean, I think it was. I saw it on the pre-theatrical release rough translation that didn’t make much sense subtitles. Or maybe the story just made no sense? But I liked how he handled the film and the vampires in it….
What would make it awesome?
Rachel-
If it WERE a Tarantino film. IT WOULD BE SO AWESOME. Alas, it is not. So I guess it will be awesome if it is funny. The book itself isn’t hilarious beyond its mash-up premise (much like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, the other Seth Graham-Smith book you’ve heard of), but this is a film adaptation, and by god the premise is so silly they might as well go full comedy.
It’s going to be pretty hard to sit through 2 hours of actual Abe Lincoln grimly dispatching vampires if there isn’t any humor. Give us the Buffy quips!
On second thought – maybe this should have been a Joss Whedon film? I’ll be Enver Gjokaj could pull off Abe! (He can pull off anything…. Including my shirt *puts on sunglasses * YEEEAAAHHHHHH).
Elena-
Hm. I think for me what will make this movie awesome is if they can make me forget I’m watching a movie where Abe Lincoln hunted vampires. Either laughter or emotional investment work to take me to that magical place of unselfconscious suspension of disbelief.
What would make it suck?
Elena-
Ninjas. Seriously, if there are any fucking ninjas in this movie I am walking out of the theater, review or no review.
Aside from that…if it is a Hollywood CG reach-around flick that proves this director only has a vision when he has no budget. That kind of backslide from a promising start always pisses me off.
Rachel-
This is a vampire movie, it’s supposed to suck.
WHY DO YOU ALL HATE PUNS?
This is designed to be a terrible film. So I think a better question would be – how could this film not be FUN? And if it takes its premise too seriously and tries to deliver a straight action film that just happens to star a creepy Lincoln face and a top hat…it will suck.
Thoughts on casting/production?
Rachel-
Well, I’m not going to lie. I’m not a big fan of Timur Bekmambetov. Even James McAvoy’s beautiful face didn’t allow me to see past the fact that he was curving bullets by…essentially…bending his arm. WHAT? DEAR TIMUR – PHYSICS.
But, seeing as this is a movie about how Abe Lincoln is a freaking vampire hunter – I think I’m going to be OK with suspending all rules of the universe.
As to the film’s star, Benjamin Walker. I have no idea who he is? I have a bunch of friends who are into the NYC theater/Broadway scene and they all know exactly who he is – a talented stage star. So awesome! I love it when hard working theater dorks get a fat paycheck. Maybe Ben Walker is the next Hugh Jackman? Is there dancing in this movie? (Thinks about the axe-ballet in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers) TWIRL BENNY, TWIRL!
Elena-
I…no. I didn’t know this was a director whose work I’m familiar with, and I don’t recognize any of the actors, and all I know about the production was the local scuttlebutt about the filming possibly being the reason for half the flock of Bird Island abandoning the site, which if that’s true is inexpressibly upsetting to me from an ecological standpoint since the Audubon Park rookery is one of basically three sites in the entire state where waterbirds nest and breed. Bird Island being abandoned would be like the Central Park red-tails leaving. So…second what Rachel said?
Reaction to film:
Rachel-
I think maybe Benjamin Walker took my “twirl” wish to heart. BOY TWIRLED HIS DAMN ASS OFF!
LOOK AT THOSE TWIRLY BASTARDS!
Full disclosure: I saw this movie with my friends on one of their birthdays. We got drunk on rum beforehand, and I made the birthday girl wear a top hat with a tiara affixed to the front and carry a toy axe. I spent approximately half of the movie laughing my highly sugared ass off.
But not because it was funny.
At one point, I shouted “WHAT IS THIS MOVIE ABOUT?” (Don’t worry. There were only four other people in the theater with us, and they were shouting too, I think.)
We all walked out of the film with shell-shocked looks on our faces. The plot is pretty thin on this one, guys, and it deviates a lot from the book. Abe Lincoln’s mom is eaten by a vampire, and he spends the rest of his life fighting vampires with the help of this vampire he meets, and the bad guy from A Knight’s Tale runs the Confederate army. It is mostly a slow-motion movie with CGI settings in which Ben Walker axe-twirls his way from one sunglass-wearing vamp to the next. Ramona Flowers and Wash from Firefly make a few appearances. Even though the movie covers 30 or so years, no one ages. Except Lincoln, who bizarrely goes from super handsome Ben Walker to creepy wax figure Lincoln. I saw it in 3D, and the slow motion and CGI effects are so cluttered that there are entire scenes where I kind of just sat back and thought about inkblots and sand drawings.
The main conceit of the movie is that evil sunblock-wearing vampires want America to have slaves because it makes it easier for them to have super boring parties in their shitty mansions with walking buffets. Or something. This made me feel squicky, not gonna lie. I’m not sure I’m at the point in my life where I can … write off slavery as something resulting from supernatural bullshit in an action movie. Lincoln even uses the Underground Railroad to transport silver to Gettysburg so they can kill the vampire army! I MEAN WHO WRITES THIS AND THINKS IT’S NOT OFFENSIVE? Lincoln was basically Moses…an axe-twirling, horse-catching, train-crashing Moses. Only he was a white dude, and the Hebrew slaves were black. Squicky.
OH right…the HORSE TOSSING. Let’s talk about thaaaat.
So there is this ridiculous scene where Lincoln chases a bad vamp via a herd of horses that magically transport them from somewhere in Illinois to the Grand Canyon. This CGI herd of horses runs and runs while Lincoln and vampire ride and run and hop their way across them. The vampire picks up a horse…and CHUCKS it at Lincoln who CATCHES the horse, puts it down and swings up like Legolas to continue riding the horse.
WUT? WHAAAAT?!!!
I don’t even.
Elena-
No CG horses were harmed in the making of this film!
Not a joke, y’all. There’s a scene where the herd is scuttling along the edge of the mysteriously grand canyon in the middle of Illinois, and the horses that start to fall off the edge all manage to regain their balance and not fall to their deaths. Seriously, this movie was like Abe Lincoln of Mars with its regard for (by which I mean, complete and utter ignorance of) the actual laws of physics.
Rachel-
Meanwhile Lincoln has this superhot vampire friend who is remarkable only in his sunglasses collection who teaches him not to be a bigot against vampires (but we already know Lincoln isn’t a bigot because he’s also got black friends)…and also teaches him the way of Vampire fu. It makes you crazy strong even if you are NOT vampire, and that is why Abe can catch horses and chop down trees in one fell swoop.
Elena-
Yeah, about that…how was that “one stroke” when he took like…10 swings? And then the tree falls? Um. Unless he was hitting a different tree each time I’m pretty sure there was a cumulative effect happening. Just sayin’.
Rachel-
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS. WHAT IS UP WITH THIS MOVIE?
Abe Lincoln, who does nothing but lie to people in the film (hilarious?), was strangely uncompelling. The action scenes were monotonous; the blame slavery on evil vampires plot made me uncomfortable, and most importantly it wasn’t funny. I can’t imagine how torturous this film would have been if I had not been inebriated.
Elena-
Alas, for any of our readers who might have been interested in a sober analysis of the film, neither can I. I, too, got rummy for this film (literally…by drinking RUM, because I live in New Orleans, which in the summertime is basically the Caribbean and used to be sugar cane capital of the continent, and rum is what we drink here). I went straight college style, just before the movie I dumped a third of my Coke into the toilet and poured in the bottle. I was worried I might miss (“I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob”) the opening of the movie because of my liquor detour, but I took that time anyway because I saw this movie on Thursday after a full week to contemplate its 35% on Rotten Tomatoes, and…no. Anyway, I didn’t miss a thing except a couple shitty previews for shitty movies I know I won’t be seeing.
Right. So, the movie. The movie was…yes: the movie was.
Rachel covered the salient points of how there was not much of a plot and the various “characters” just kind of showed up and said lines and how the action on screen was frenetic and hard to follow. And derivative. There was nothing new in these action sequences, just 50 Shades of Neo.
Rachel hits the point that underscores much of my discomfort with urban fantasy as a genre: it reduces either or both human problems and human redemption to the mercy of non-human influences. Both are insulting. Reducing both the entire argument for secession to “we want slaves” and the entire concept of institutionalized slavery to being so vampires have an easy food supply is just…asinine. As a Southerner I am insulted by the implication that the only reason the South won some of the battles was because the Confederate Army was all vampires. As an American I am saddened that the single most devastating war in our history was reduced to righteous humans versus evil, evil vampires. I guess that whole brother versus brother thing was just a lie. Riiiiiight.
I actually think the idea of vampires fighting because they wanted a nation of their own to be quite compelling. If the film hadn’t been so set on blaming slavery on the vampires, there could actually have been a really compelling subplot about what the vampires wanted and how maybe their desire for freedom was perhaps legitimate. But instead the vampire leaders were all caricatures of villains, and not nearly smart enough to have actually been around long enough to be certain they were immortal. They couldn’t train rob as effectively as the crew of Serenity, and they lived in mansions that were old and run-down and shitty even though IN THE TIME THIS IS SET THE HOUSE WOULD HAVE BEEN NEW. In the end I think my complaint is pretty much the same as it was with P&P&Z: there was a lot of potential for a really great story, and all of it was squandered.
But at least the vampires were appropriately monstrous in their miens. And none of them sparkled. And they at least tried to show the progression of time via Ramona Lincoln’s dresses.
Still. None of it was enough to make this movie good or even enjoyable. All I can say is, it lived up to every bit of its 35%.
I recently got the chance to review another book by author Robb Pearlman. After his novel “Spoiler Alert” caught my attention, I jumped on the chance to review his new effort, “Nerd Haiku.” I love nerdy things and I love haikus so I pretty much knew I needed to read it.
The book is collection of 200 haikus that capture so much of the essence that makes up being a nerd and more. If you love Sci-fi, fantasy, time travel, super heroes, and so much more you’ll find at least a couple haikus to make you laugh out loud. I have to say that this one of my favorite reference books yet. It is not only witty, but also clever, and completely honest.
There is a reference to almost everything that is great. Firefly, Doctor Who, Star Wars, Star Trek, Walking Dead, A Song of Ice and Fire, and countless superheroes make an appearance.
“Vampires/Buffy
The Walking Dead/ well-placed ax.
It’s a yin/yang thing.”
The best part of the poems though is that it doesn’t alienate people. It is not just for hardcore fans, even casual fans of the genres will enjoy reading the references. Even those people who read the comics/books or those who just see the television/movie adaptations can all enjoy the references. Unlike his last book, there aren’t very many spoilers in this collection of pop culture phenomena. Reading these poems will not only allow you to see your favorite characters in a new way but in some cases may remind you of long forgotten stories that you loved. In fact, after reading all 200 haikus, I had the urge to go back and read/watch almost every reference it made.
Pearlman also calls things like he sees them but in a humorous way. As a self-proclaimed nerd himself, he knows what is up.
Some of my favorites:
“Who’s faster, the Flash
Or Superman? This is a
debate without end.”
“You’re such a nice girl
Please dont disappear on me
like Kitty Pryde did.”
Pearlman also combined several of my favorite story settings into one making my brain sufficiently happy.
“Asgard, Gotham, Hoth,
Middle Earth, Winterfell, Oz,
There’s no place like home.”
And he is right, there is no place at home. So if you are a member of geekhood or nerdom, definitely check this book out. You won’t regret it.
Almost every character in the hit HBO series has killed someone. In fact, most characters have killed several people. While many of them are terrible people who we love to hate, others are actually pretty awesome characters whose killing is overshadowed by everything else they do whether it is protecting the innocent, avenging honor, or repaying debts.
They are the most likable of the badass characters in “Game of Thrones.”
:::Warning Spoilers ahead if you haven’t finished Season 2 or read the books:::
The Hound (Sandor Clegane)
The Hound AKA Sandor Clegane has quickly climbed the ranks to be one of the better characters despite his limited screen time. Despite his brutality and the fact that he enjoys killing, he is very compassionate especially toward Sansa (the little bird). When she is attacked and almost raped after the riot, he swoops in a kills/maims her attackers without a second though or mercy (and with incredible swiftness). But what makes him so badass is that he openly and often defies Joffrey and his cruel treatment of Sansa. Not many characters can get away with saying “fuck the city, fuck the king” without someone trying to kill them or without Joffrey throwing a hissy fit commanding your death.
If you still doubt his badassery, then just watch the Blackwater battle again.
Brienne
Who doesn’t LOVE Brienne? The lady warrior who could kick all of our asses. She is quite possibly one of 5 females in there series who doesn’t use their magic vagina to get ahead. Instead she kicks ass and proves herself worthy of being a knight. Not only is she able to defeat countless men in battle, but she is fiercely loyal, first to Renly then Catelyn, and doesn’t succumb to the weakness of flattery.
She displays some major fighting skills in the season 2 finale which gains her respect from the “best” fighter in Westeros, Jaime, albeit only a little bit at first. And we all know she is perfect match for Jaime if only he wasn’t in love with his sister as they could bang and sword fight all day long.
Tyrion Lannister
Easily not only of my favorite characters but I can guess that he is on most fans favorite character list. He is not only witty and clever but as the brother to the Queen Regent and uncle to the King, he repeatedly stands up to them, calls them out for their selfishness and occasionally cowardly ways, defends the innocent around him. He defends Sansa against Joffrey’s cruel treatment further infuriating him. He also isn’t afraid to call the Queen out for her relationship with her brother and for her child being unmanageable.
He is also not afraid of battle like the “King.” He has killed several people, with a shield, with an axe, probably with his words once or twice. What is also repeatable is that he doesn’t seem to enjoy killing like the majority of those around him, rather he likes cunningly defeating people.
Plus we get amazing gems of Tyrion slapping Joffrey like the little jerk he is:
Oh and this one:
Bronn
I love Bronn, even though he is sellsword who would probably leave everyone and everything for the right price. It started by him willing to fight for Tyrion at the Vale, from here on out he and Tryion were besties, you know the kind where one friend is paying the other for their friendship. Although that doesn’t take away from their bromance, merely enhances is as Bronn would say.
One of the great aspects of Bronn is that he isn’t afraid to tell it straight to Tyrion even if it is something he doesn’t like to hear. He is also an incredibly skilled fighter who would rival that of Jaime and Brienne. He slays several men during the Blackwater battle and is also responsible for shooting the wildfire at the fleet, effectively killing hundreds of men.
Despite his joyful take on killing, his friendship to Tyrion and his sardonic sense of humor that provides some comedic relief for the audience makes him one of the more likable characters in the series.
Jaqen H’ghar
People all over the world are finding themselves strangely attracted to Jaqen (myself included). Whether it is because he talks about himself in the third person, is incredibly enigmatic, knows how to avenge properly and with honor, or he is just that good-looking, it is pretty obvious he is a badass. He can stealthily kill anyone the girl names and does so without even batting an eyelash. He more than easily kills the guards at the gate for Arya to escape. His strength and skill are unmeasurable as we almost never how he kills just the results of it. He never lets his strong guard down except when Arya names his name as the last. He shows his (albeit tiny) vulnerable side as he bargains with her to unsay his name.
But it comes down to this: The man repays his debts and looks sexy while doing it.
Since it began filming last year, there have already been several MAJOR complications in adapting the much loved novel “World War Z,” written by Max Brooks. There were already doubts floating around regarding the difficulty of adapting a novel that is written entirely as a oral account. Then when Brad Pitt entered the picture, the internet collectively yelled “mistake!”
And now months after the project was announced it seems to be shambles. It’s budget has skyrocketed to $170 million with no guarantees that the film will make that money back in the box office.
The film’s release has also been delayed by 6 months for extensive reshoots that signaled major issues regarding the film were on the horizon. It was originally supposed to open in theaters on December 21, 2012, however, the studio has set the film back by 6 months opening on June 21st, 2013.
It was also announced last week that the reshoots needed a new writer to fix the script and screenplay. Whatever caused the massive 5 week reshoot was enough to hire a new writer to fix.
The Hollywood Reporter also reported that the director, Marc Forster never found voice for the flick causing much of it be disjointed and without a plan.
Trouble emerged early: Three weeks before shooting was to begin in June 2011, sources say Forster had not made critical decisions about what the zombies would look like and how they would move. “They just couldn’t get it right,” one insider says. “There was a lot of spinning of plates, a lot of talking. [But] they did not have a plan.” […]
“The director was not empowered,” says one insider. “There was nobody that steered the ship […] When you get [a director] who can’t do it all […] you get a struggle as to whose is the singular voice.”
Then a major mistake almost halted much of the filming in Hungary.
Then in October, proceedings were disrupted when a Hungarian anti-terrorism unit raided an airport warehouse and confiscated 85 fully functional automatic assault rifles that were to be used on the shoot. (The guns were not supposed to be operational, and it is illegal to transport such weapons into the country.) With the movie already behind schedule and over budget, Pitt was said to be livid at the mistake – and perhaps wearying of a project that was showing no sign of ending.
Many agree that Paramount should have shelved the project long ago when they were squabbling over the budget. However, the director seems hopelessly optimistic stating that he feels the film should be a trilogy.
“[We] each view World War Z as a trilogy that would have the grounded, gun-metal realism of, say, Matt Damon’s Jason Bourne series tethered to the unsettling end-times vibe of AMC’s The Walking Dead“
Despite the film being in the works for over a year , audiences know suspiciously little about the project. We don’t know which first person anecdotes will be included and which will be taken out. We don’t even know the full cast and their respective roles yet.
Though, the question stands, how many more problems will they deal with before the project is shelved? Many movies have been scraped for much less. Will the production company reach a breaking point? Even though these major issues keep slowing down filming and production, I wonder if Brad Pitt will use his star power to have it released no matter whether it is good or bad.
For now, I have high hopes for it even if they keep getting dashed by every news report from the set. Personally, I think fans of the novel should remain cautious until we get a trailer.
Winter is coming HBO… where are you going to stand?
There were nearly 4 million downloads per episode of the HBO hit series, “Game of Thrones” and with that it has become the most pirated TV show of the season giving those HBO bigwigs another reason to create an online HBO subscription (that they will surely ignore).
“Game of Thrones,” which just ended its second season with high viewership for every episode among those who pay for the service. It is not a surprise that its popularity reaches past those who pay to those who pirate.
Restricted availability is one of the top reasons fans pirate the show to staggering amounts. While it isn’t a surprise that the show is the top pirated, but what is surprising is that HBO advocates against piracy but doesn’t have online subscription. I am sure if they offered the service for a measly $15 per month, that 4 million would decrease by at least half if not more and effectively making money for HBO.
HBO plays the exclusivity game and much like the game of thrones, when they play the game of exclusivity they win and we lose.
However, with that comes angry fans who don’t want to buy the expensive costs of adding the channel to their already expensive cable package and instead become pirates or use their friends/families accounts on HBOGo.
For a company that makes money they are surely missing out on some almost guaranteed revenue.
You can see a full list of the top pirated shows below provided by TorrentFreak:
Elena: This episode was, I think, on the whole better for those who only watch the show. I don’t know if that has quite happened enough to be called a trend yet, but I think we are beginning to see points where the changes are chapping even the most calloused of book fans’ asses, and those of us who don’t know what was in the books or should have been on screen don’t question what happens or think less of it, because we have no basis for comparison. We only react to what did happen, not what we thought would happen or what we wanted to happen. Well, the part about what we want may not be totally true—I imagine the internet would have rioted if Tyrion came up with a case of the deads, since we all wanted him to live. So I guess that seems a good time to ask Rachel what she thought of how HBO handled Tyrion’s fall from grace?
Rachel: HBO continues to give Peter Dinklage all the good scenes! But it’s not all jokes. Dinklage is showing Tyrion is one of the more complicated characters in this story. It’s not so fun seeing Tyrion afraid, but waking up after The Blackwater is probably the scariest thing Tyrion’s ever experienced. Ending the season with the cocky Tyrion in a forgotten room, unsure about his health or his future is pretty pitch perfect.
Pycelle is back up, Tyrion is down, and I don’t think any of us know what to think of Shae. I loved that scene between Shae and Tyrion. Shae is the only person Tyrion ever confides his fears in, the person he shows any weakness to, and she in turn always tells him exactly what she thinks. Her dismissal of his “I’m a monster” statement is pretty much how I felt about his injury. POOR BABY. You got a booboo?
I knew they weren’t actually going to chop off his nose and force Dinklage to wear a terrible prosthetic for the rest of the series. I’m hoping they keep it extra juicy and infected looking otherwise, we’re in the same situation I felt when I saw The Phantom of the Opera, and Gerard Butler’s HIDEOUS FACE was really just a handsome dude with a sunburn….
Not gonna lie, when Tyrion cried I definitely got choked up. What do you think Elena, do you trust Shae with Tyrion’s emotionally scarred heart?
Elena: This was the episode where you feel sorry for Tyrion because he was riding high and thinking he was the big man in King’s Landing only to get brought lower than ever when his dad strolls in and saves the day with the Knight of Fucking Flowers (literally….Loras fucks flowers. Peach blossoms, specifically. Like what I did there?), and suddenly it’s like Tyrion was never in King’s Landing and had nothing to do with saving it. Joffrey gets to sit there and pretend like he didn’t piss himself on the battlements, Tywinning lets his horse shit all over the throne room, and Tyrion isn’t even allowed to watch the joy of Papa Lannister starting to put his dipshit grandson in his place (because you know if anyone can control King Fucktard the First, it is Tywinning). Instead Tyrion is in a monk’s cell somewhere with Maester Pycelle cackling over getting revenge for the beard-trimming, while Tyrion is moping and being depressed over the fact that he is now “a monster as well as a dwarf.” Um, I think that line made more sense in the books. Having a pretty clean battle scar isn’t quite enough to make someone a monster, especially not in a land where the men in charge are, as The Hound likes to point out, killers and knights themselves. Probably half the lords in Westeros have battle scars. They just make a man look like…well, a man. Welcome to the big boy club, Tyrion.
As to Shae, I am reluctantly impressed with her that she chose to stay with him. I almost think she means it. Maybe she still sees him as just the best thing that’s ever happened to her and a better prospect than anything else she could find, but she seemed genuine in her anger on his behalf. Fuck this place and these people, they don’t respect you so let’s just leave. Tyrion would be no one across the sea, even if he still had money, so she can’t just be with him because of his being a Lannister. I might not “get” their relationship but it seems like it’s being built into a real one, maybe not Robb and Talisa style lusty and frantic love but the solid, trusting kind of love. At this point I trust her not to run out on him…but I don’t trust her not to get herself killed off or imprisoned and then used against him later.
Rachel: The cut from the Tyrion/Shae scene to Robb and Talisa being married was hilarious. Those tricksy writers! Also hilarious? The entire wedding scene.
WUT? That was the cheesiest, stupidest thing I’ve ever seen! Let’s be real…if Talisa is from Volantis, girl doesn’t know any chants about the Seven! They were married under the Seven when Robb is supposed to be the King of the GOD DAMN NORTH?!
This show can be so uneven about details! Robb is also part Tulley, so fine. There’s your argument for the ceremony, and this all would have made perfect sense had he married Jeyne Westerling. But he didn’t. They changed her to Talisa and made up this hugely complicated reason for why she’s even on the continent in the first place, so it would only make sense they be married in the Northern tradition, and I realize this is nitpickery of the highest order but I’m just going to be that person right now.
Cut later to Cat trying to tell Robb what an ASSHOLE he has been to the Freys…too much is being made of how disrespectful Robb was to Cat (duh, he just defied her wishes and married some landless ho, and you think he’s going to apologize?) and not enough about how there is one angry Bridge-having family out there. Robb has mightily offended the Freys and as yet has no siblings to placate them with other marriages. He’s lost Winterfell to Theon. He’s ignored every piece of advice Roose Bolton has given him.
Robb might be pretty, but he doesn’t even have the family duty that Ned had and so might win the award for Stupidest Main Character of Season 2. Elena, do you agree?
Elena: CONCURMENT ACHIEVED.
Normally I am pro following your heart. And, Robb, I GET why you want to marry a woman you think is going to be a better queen for you and an inspiration to your people, someone hard and yet gentle, tough and yet compassionate, strong and brave and independent. The thing is, you are being very un-Stark right now. Is that your Tully side creeping out? Are any of Ned’s children proper Starks? Maybe Jon should count himself lucky he’s Ned’s bastard and not another Tully spawn, since that set of genes is starting to seem overpowering.
Because here’s the problems I have with Robb’s decision making. First, it’s unnecessary. Talisa is obviously willing to be kept on the side if you are where her heart is. Maybe that doesn’t bear up once you’re actually married, but maybe it does. She seemed like she understood. Second, it wrecks an allegiance and will piss off your bannermen. It makes you look kind of…well, not a man of your word. The reason they are following you is because you were a Stark. Being a not a man of your word is basically saying you’re a Stark only in name. How can they trust you now? Especially when you didn’t ride back to retake Winterfell? You aren’t keeping your promises to your allies or your own kin…how can any man who rides with you expect you to keep a promise to him now?
The thing about building trust is, it means you keep promises even when it is really inconvenient or hard for you to do that. You should have kept the bridge. I hope you don’t regret burning it too much later. I hope Talisa’s magical hoo-ha is enough to hold your throne.
Yeah. Good luck with that.
So speaking of Winterfell…shall we swing North for a bit?
Rachel: God, the Winterfell scenes are where I went from a smiley, happy TV-watcher to an increasingly grimacing, pissed-off book person. WHAT IS HAPPENING, YOU GUYS? The majority of the changes make sense to me. They’ve streamlined Theon’s journey (gotten rid of Reek entirely?) and decided that it’s just easier for the Iron Born to hit Theon over the head, burn Winterfell down, and leave.
Right? At this point I kind of don’t know what the heck is happening. I have my theories about how to get to the next stage, but since this is a no-spoil discussion, you guys are just going to have to hit me up on Twitter for them.
Meanwhile Osha, Bran, Rickon, and Hodor emerge from the Winterfell crypts to a devastated and empty, largely bodiless Winterfell. (One can only assume the Iron Born took people with them). The only one left was the dying Maester Luwin. The scene in which he says good bye was rather powerful and drives home that the North is a place of Duty and Honor. Under the Heart Tree he bids Bran go North. We even got to hear Rickon speak like a human being instead of a feral child (I was genuinely shocked when he said something and sounded normal). Super sad. Bran is now on his own. His only adult ally is a wildling woman, plus he has a simpleton and the direwolves (YAY DIREWOLVES! DID YOU SEE THEM? I LUFF THEM). Rickon has mastered speech, which is a definite plus, but I don’t know how much fighting he can do? Give the kid a rock I guess.
Between the Iron Islands being in open revolt, Winterfell burned to the ground and its people killed or scattered, Jon far beyond the Wall, and Robb stuck somewhere in the Riverlands with decreasing options…looks like the Starks are in for a hell of a season 3.
Elena: Okay, am I the only one who had zero doubts about what happened at Winterfell? Asha took her 500 knights and surrounded it, then went annoying-sister apeshit on her brother. I figured the men on the inside with him recognized that horn and that’s how they knew to just bonk him on the head and go home. Then Asha the expert pillager burned a stone keep down. If anyone can do it without dragons, it’s her. I mean, self-evident, right?
I heard from Rachel that this was not obvious if you had read the books because you were expecting something else to happen.
You guys: this is why I’m not reading the books until show’s done. It’s just so much more enjoyable for me to watch, not only when I don’t know what’s coming but also when I don’t expect one thing and get something else.
Anyway, about Maester Luwin’s suggestion to Theon that he run to The Wall. Luwin had an interesting comment, that he doesn’t serve the family—he serves the place. I wasn’t sure he meant it until he said all that about the Night’s Watch. He really did want to save Theon from himself.
Too late. Theon was all ready to go down in a blaze of glory…only to have his sister take that away from him. But the sequence just proves all over again that he’s not really getting the Iron Islander ethos. I cannot imagine any pirate being willing or interested in a martyr’s death when there is a tunnel to escape via. The fact that Theon was ready to choose death over being seen as a coward is very much a Winterfell thing. Pirates don’t give a shit about how they are seen. They give a shit about staying alive and getting their plunder. Why would they die for a shitty keep on a shitty steppe somewhere shitty and not by the sea? That was Theon’s last gasp of hatred for the Starks. Guess he really did hate them. I can tell you why, Robb….
I look forward to seeing what happens to Theon now that he has been pwned by his sister once again.
Shall we speak of happier things? Tell me what you liked best about this episode.
Rachel: The throne room was my favorite scene in the entire episode. A bunch of powerful liars in a room together being forced to pay homage to a megalomaniac douche. HA HA. It’s amazing. From Tywin refusing to walk anywhere on foot, to the farce of putting Sansa aside in favor of the vast wealth and men of the Tyrells. Hilarious. When Maergery made her speech about having a love for Joffrey take root deep inside her, the only person I felt bad for was Joffrey. He’s the only one in the room who doesn’t seem to understand that everyone is full of shit. A castle full of vipers ready to devour him; the only thing holding them back is tradition and his chaotic behavior.
IT’S GONNA BE GOOD.
Anyone else hear Sansa echo Cersei’s “Enjoy” when Maegaery stepped into the limelight? Stupid Littlefinger had to ruin it by creeping in like he always does with his “you’re not free, yet!” speech. Go creep on Harrenhal, Petyr! I hear it’s LOVELY there!
No, I love Littlefinger. They’ve made him inscrutable in the show by making him tell everyone his plans, all the plans being different. It’s just as effective as book Littlefinger, who mostly keeps everything to himself but the pointing and the laughing. The end result is “creepy fucker who knows too much and says too little of substance,” and that’s all we can really hope for.
Elena: I was laughing my ass off through this entire sequence. From that perfect plop of horse shit (seriously, I think they just made everyone wait while the camera rolled on that horse’s ass until it dropped a load) to Joffrey’s haplessness in the face of grown-ups to Sansa’s amazing acting skills…goodness. I WANT MORE OF THIS, PLEASE. Rachel and I talked on one of the podcasts about the lack of courtly flourishes and politicking in the show thus far. This was the first scene where we really got to see it in full flower, the platitudes and false speaking and posturing and obeisance to the proper form.
I will admit, I was not actually sure Joffrey understood he was allowed to set Sansa aside. I believed him when he told Margaery he could not break his vow…like I thought he actually meant that. I thought that because of how confused he looked when Pycelle stepped forward again and said the gods didn’t require him to keep promises to traitors.
I hope he was the only one in the room not acting, because that underscores that the point Littlefinger made to Sansa is also true of Joffrey: it’s a room full of liars, every one of them better than you. Joffrey, for all that he has been invested with the powers of the kingship, is still a little boy who wants to be led except when he is throwing a tantrum. He is weak, malleable, and dangerous only because he is marginally insane. If he did not have that edge of psychosis…he would be an utter puppet. Instead he will become a puppet through the manipulation of his weaknesses and ignorance and self-absorption.
I am sooooo interested to see Margaery square off against Cersei. I think in her Cersei will find an apter pupil than she did in Sansa…and someone who will not overtly compete with her. The longer I’ve had to think about this, the more convinced I am that Cersei wanted Sansa gone because Sansa threatened her—threatened to expose Cersei for what she is and be an example of what she should have been but isn’t. Sansa was too scared and ignorant to realize that every time she said the perfect thing or showed just that flash of ladylike courage, it made her more and more unacceptable to Cersei. Sansa would have made a tragic but noble figure as Joffrey’s queen. She could make someone like The Hound disobey his master for her sake. She had the ability to inspire pity and pride and loyalty…and it would be loyalty to HER, not to the king. And since she is the daughter of a man killed as a traitor for being too honest and too honorable, and the sister of a rebel king…a city of people more loyal to her than her husband must have made Cersei’s butthole pucker up with fear.
Margaery, on the other hand, will not overtly compete with Cersei because she will be playing the game of eager queen-to-be learning the game from her mother-in-law. She understands that it is a game, and overt competition will be the quickest way to lose what she has within her grasp.
Littlefinger’s bit at the end was priceless. The people at work thought he did it out of kindness, out of love for Cat. Hahahahahaha. Oh, hell, no. He might have a weakness for Catelyn Tully Stark in that he still has emotions about her…but I don’t believe for a second he still loves her. I think he still wants revenge for that rejection. I was shocked he didn’t offer to marry Sansa just to keep her safe from Joffrey…wouldn’t that be the ultimate in your FACE to his old love? Marry the daughter who looks just like her but is ten times more submissive, so he not only upgrades to the younger model as an older man but also upgrades it to a personality he can completely control? Personally, I think that is his goal.
Sansa best watch herself if she stays in King’s Landing.
GIRL, YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THE HOUND!
Rachel: Can we talk about Stannis now?
My favorite lobster king is having issues with being so thoroughly defeated, but then again who wouldn’t be having a hissy in their high tower table-map room if they just got Tywinned ten seconds before total victory?
I feel for you, Stannis. I feel. And I can understand why a godless man who yearns for greatness, such as yourself, would stare into the ambient lighting and see your inevitable greatness staring back at you. Clearly Stannis hasn’t given up.
Or they’re just crazy.
Even then, I would expect Stannis to talk about his missing, presumed dead, right hand man Ser Onion! NO TEARS FOR YOUR BESTIE? C’mon Stannis!
Look into the flames! Do you smell onions?
Elena: I don’t have much to say about this scene, since, obviously Stannis wasn’t going to give up the war just because he lost the battle, and just as obviously Melisandre is going to make sure she has a firmer hand on the second campaign. But all I could think watching it was how much he looked like Eric in The Little Mermaid when that evil sea witch has him under her spell. And then their relationship suddenly made perfect sense, and I felt really sorry for Stannis.
Even more sorry for Davos, who lost his son to that bitch’s shell spell!
Ugh. Let’s go someplace where the bad guys don’t win! Like…Jaime and Brienne!
Rachel: Ya know, strictly speaking, book-Brienne wouldn’t have vengefully castrated that guy to kill him. But I think it makes her more interesting when she is more overtly pissed off about how women are treated in Westeros. It’s nice. In a cast of characters that feature plenty of strong and interesting female characters, not many of them are outspoken about the role of women in their society. Cersei complains but acquiesces; Arya is still too young for her rejection of feminine roles to be a social statement. Asha is an interesting case, as she fills in for her father’s absent sons, but the contrast between her and Brienne is that Asha embraces traditionally masculine roles without any regret, while Brienne is far more sensitive. Forced into masculine roles in order to gain agency for herself while at the same time pushed away from feminine roles due to her size and appearance—at time it seems that Brienne had no choice. It was either take control of her life through violence or live life as an unloved, mocked wife of whatever man offered her father the best deal. Something Asha doesn’t have to contend with – plenty of men find her appealing, and it seems the Greyjoys have no compunctions about women inheriting.
The relationship between perfect manly man/family honor Jaime and imperfect female/imperfect male family rejecting Brienne is, as I have said before, one of the best relationships in the entire series. They make each other more interesting simply by being in each others’ proximity! Not to mention the hilarity of no bullshit Brinne calling out Jaime’s every utterance.
The cast is only going to get bigger as we move into season 3, but I hope to see much more of The Jaime and Brienne Show!
Elena: This sequence. Oh, my god, this sequence. I think it might have been my favorite moment of the show when Brienne kills those Stark men and we see Jaime’s face in the aftermath. And he’s basically like, “I…might not be able to beat her. Holy shit, this woman is FIERCE.” Like…Brienne is such a badass that she turned Jaime Fucking Kingslayer into a lisping gay man for a couple seconds. That was amazing.
So can I confess something? I didn’t realize the bodies were women until they talked about them being she’s. I thought Brienne was just that respectful at first, which seemed oddly naïve, but one thing I will say about Westeros…there has been a lot of abusing of women but not too much killing of them, at least so far. So her reaction, even aside from any considerations of latent anger a lady knight might have about the way women are treated by men, made more sense. In fact, WAS it anger on behalf of women (vs men) so much as it was anger on behalf of INNOCENTS (vs ravagers and false knights)?
Either way I’m glad they stopped. I’m glad we got to see her in action one more time this season, I’m glad Jaime got to see it so maybe he’ll stop mouthing off every five minutes, and I’m glad we got to see the complicating factor of her not working for the Starks but only Catelyn. That…is going to come back later, I sense.
Rachel: And in things that just won’t stop coming back…Ros met Varys.
While I LOVE me some quality Varys time…this scene was bull. Like Varys would stroll into Petyr’s whore house in broad daylight to offer his top whore a spying position? HBO is really trying to make Ros happen for us. I won’t deny that she might know her share of juicy bits—isn’t that what Petyr uses her for? I think this scene was just an excuse for the writers to reiterate that while Petyr seems to desire legitimate and public power, the motivations of Varys are still pretty unknown. Sex doesn’t work on him, so Petyr is at a disadvantage when it comes to manipulating his rival (are they rivals?), but Petyr might be in better with the nobility – since HBO sent him on a tour of Westeros this season.
You never know with Varys. All you really know is that he’s a eunuch. HBO seems really fixated on telling us that repeatedly. And we know that whatever Ros decides, no one wants to be stuck between Littlefinger and the Spider.
Elena: This scene just made no sense to me. I expect Varys is right and Littlefinger is criminally underusing her. But do we really think Littlefinger doesn’t have a line onto every man (or woman) who walks into his brothel? Come on. He’s not going to let his Commader Ros Riker of the whoreship Cunterprize become a spy for his greatest enemy. Please.
If HBO takes that route and she survives more than two episodes of it, I call bullshit. Maybe they just wanted a scheme to kill her off?
Oh, and speaking of characters killed off: Goodbye, Jaqen H’ghar!
Rachel: It’s time for terrible poetry.
Goodbye Jaqen H’ghar
we have watched you from afar
kill every man the wolf desired
and part your hairso ’twas two colored.
Elena is going to ask me if you ever come back
I will distract her with Syrio flack
a beauteous man if there ever was
a deadly genie, a faceless one.
Elena: RIP, Hot Jaqen! Your new face did NOT amuse me. But I know why you did it: you didn’t want Arya to regret her choice. I would not regret that choice after seeing your new mug, so well done.
Also…where the fuck are all these different magical people coming from? None of them are from the Seven Kingdoms. What is up with that? No indigenous magic on the entire fucking continent? Rachel likes to call the Stark kids wargs and snarl about the fact that HBO is cutting their connection to their wolves and Bran’s prophecy-dreaming, so what else is indigenous to this part of the world that we aren’t learning about? I mean, across the sea we have the witches like Melisandre, the Faceless Men, the sorcerers of Qarth, the Targaryens and their fire-magic…what happened here? Why didn’t they have all this shit? No wonder they were so fucking defenseless when the Targaryens showed up with their dragons. And if the Targaryens were all that was keeping it off the continent…no wonder all of these new beings are adventuring across the sea now!
Anyway, on the Arya plot front…we now have the Continuing Adventurs of Arya and Hot Pie and Gendry. Arya wants to find Robb or rescue Sansa. I love that she finally remembers her sister. Has Sansa thought about her at all? She would never have brought Arya up, of course, since that is obviously a subject you just don’t talk about in front of…well, anyone in King’s Landing since they all have egg on their face for Arya escaping without a trace. But I wonder if she thinks about her. Surely? But Arya was the one whom Ned reminded that blood is blood, and when winter comes family will matter more than anything.
Interestingly, given that Starks at least start as the focal point of the series, the action across two seasons so far has been to put as much distance as possible between all of the Stark children. They are all separated from their family right now. They all have to make new families…Arya with her boys, Robb with Talisa and his men, Jon with his brother crows and now the Wildlings, Bran and Rickon with Osha. Sansa…Sansa is the only one truly alone. Poor little bird.
Dany and the House of the Undying (are all her dothraki back from the dead?):
Rachel: I would probably have made it through the episode in enjoyment despite the Winterfell confusion if not for everything that happens with Dany and Jon (who I will get to in a second).
Ugh… I feel like such a chump! Getting all “Elena, TAKE NOTES WHEN PEOPLE TALK TO DANY IN THE HOUSE OF THE UNDYING”. Um…yea, about that….
WHAT IS FRAGGITY FRACK SHIT HUH?
Can I just say that not ONE of the “visions” Dany saw in that episode occurred in the book? Do I treat them as canon? IN which case – did HBO just spoil the hell out of us by showing us the Iron Throne covered in ash, the ceiling burned away by what we assume would be Dany’s dragon fire?
DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?
And the Drogo thing – I guess it was nice that we got a cameo, but, damn, that fake beard was gross looking! EWWW DON’T TOUCH IT.
So yea, I was hoping for at LEAST the “Three” prophecy since Dany uses it to examine and govern her decisions from here on out. It’s so disappointing to see one of the most important moments in a favorite character’s storyline get completely and utterly cut. Sigh. I’m also going to assume that the dragons succeeded in burning down the house of the Undying? I get it – the fire budget was all used up in “The Blackwater.”
Just…go, Dany. Go buy a ship. Go somewhere. LEAVE QARTH. Leave weirdly and for no reason at all heterosexual Xaro. Leave him and thatdumb ho, Doreah, locked up in that empty vault. TAKE the golden peacock! (BTW – raise your hand if you were all, “Where did all of Dany’s Dothraki come from? Weren’t they all dead?)
March onward to your incredibly boring Feast and Dance storylines! ONWARD, I SAY! And this time you don’t even have an idea of what direction to go in because you never heard Quaithe’s “you must go East to go West” prophecy, either!
So…just…go. Go be aimless. Have some temper tantrums. Lose your dragons repeatedly. I don’t even care anymore.
Elena: I was underwhelmed by the House of the Undying itself. It seemed…well, honestly, here’s what it seemed. It seemed like that could have been an entire episode by itself—I mean, Labyrinth made a feature film out of the exact same premise—and because it could not be its own episode, the true threat or power of the place was diminished. I felt like there should have been traps there, or more obvious prophetic type visions…something besides a couple random flashes of other places and a quick jaunt from The Wall to the Nightlands (or wherever Drogo was supposed to be).
That being said…the ending of her sequence, both endings really, was fucking awesome. When she looked at those chains and then at her dragons and was like…fuck this. Dragons, take my fury and make it burn. MAKE IT ALL BURN…I think I squealed like a school girl. That was the best. And I was just thinking…um, sorcerer? I know your powers just came back and you’re feeling your oats and everything, but…what part of DRAGONFIRE do you not quite get?
The ending with the empty vault was also fabulous. I half-jokingly wrote “watch it be empty” in my live blog and then got to feel uber-smart when it turned out to be true. What a clever man he was! All he had to do to be the richest man in Qarth was TELL everyone he was the richest man in Qarth so many times they eventually stopped asking for proof! Amazing! I actually wonder how many of the so-called richest men in Qarth were actually rich at all, or if they all just put their actual wealth into their world-at-hand and kept nothing in reserve but pretended they had ten times more where that came from? Was Qarth basically the double-mortgaged American gated community of Westeros? Where everyone drives a Lexus but lives in an unfurnished house and eats nothing but beans and rice because they have no money left to spend?
So Dany has enough for a small ship, and now her dragons have found their fire. I still don’t think it’s enough for her to go “home” yet.
This is something Rachel mentioned to me in our drunkcast, that Dany sees things in the House of the Undying that shape her decisions from here on. The fact that she didn’t makes me wonder if she is going to continue to have her agency as an individual undermined by plot events that force her path to turn, versus her choosing to turn onto a different path? Like will she get shipwrecked instead of choosing to wait to cross the sea until she can do it on the back of a dragon because she saw a vision of herself flying into the Seven Kingdoms for the first time? That sort of putting her at the mercy of tangential forces rather than making her the centrifuge of her own momentum. I much prefer characters who both have agency but are forced to react to the world around them. Even when they make poor choices (cough *Robb* cough), I still prefer the ones who are able to be actors and not simply reactors.
Rachel: Speaking of visions left out of The House of the Undying scene was one which, coupled with a memory/dream of Ned’s that the writers left out of Season 1, is the basis for a theory on Jon’s parentage. But that seems to have been erased from the show, so please GOD don’t bother Googling any algebra equations that solve for J. (Really, don’t. You’ll be spoiled IMMEDIATELY about events because the internet assumes if you are Googling book theories that you have read the books).
And that isn’t even the stuff that had me all mad and yelling in the street (actual. I was yelling in the street). No, see…I’m pissed off about Jon vs. The Halfhand. Because they spent all damn season stretching the storyline beyond the Wall. Spending multiple episodes at Craster’s Keep and digging latrines and chasing girls through the snow, and they didn’t have TEN SECONDS for Qhorin to tell Jon that one pivotal line, “When the time comes, you do what they ask of you.” Because Jon kills the Halfhand UNDER ORDERS. Not because Qhorin spends a bunch of time pushing him and calling his mother a whore – but because Qhorin knows that if the wildlings have captured him they will kill him slowly, OR his death can be used by Jon to gain acceptance into their group as a deserter. Couple that with Jon playing it like he killed the Halfhand because he can and wants to fuck Ygritte – that’s what this scene should have been. Instead it’s a stupid scene. A STUPID SCENE. Is it clear that Jon did not want to kill one of his heroes? Is it clear that Jon is doing this to gain information about the army that Mance Rayder is massing beyond the wall because it is a threat to the realm?
Is Jon just too much of a traditional fantasy hero with a special destiny to make it in the big bad world of HBO dramas? It’s like, “Oh, ya know, Jon is too good. Let’s make him a fucking dick. We can call him stupid for an entire season and then have him kill the old guy at the end for being disrespectful.” Was that a round table discussion or is this a result of over editing?
Ughhhhhh. UGHHHHHHHHHH!!! I’M SO MAD ABOUT IT AHHHHH!
And then there’s the scene at the very end, at what I am assuming is the Fist of the Firstmen? Sam and co (YAY DOLOROUS ED) have been digging latrines for approximately 12 episodes, and they hear the three horn blasts that mean Walkers. So everyone runs back to camp except for Sam, who hides behind a rock and watches the Others come by on their undead horses directing the movement of a whole mess of White Walkers. Remember the Walkers we saw last season when Jon injured his hand? Remember how they were fast and strong and scary as hell?
Now look at these Walkers.
Do they not seem a little…Shaun of the Dead to you?
Whatever. At this point I’m just over here mumbling about the honor of Jon Stark and how Qhorin Halfhald is a HERO!
Elena: Rachel’s reaction is what happens when HBO tries to be subtle. The elements of this being a hugely pivotal (except not at all because he was only faking!) role in Jon’s life are there. We have heard the boys whispering about how that’s Qhorin Halfhand, and I think it was explained to Sam who he is. We had Qhorin’s comment to Jon LAST episode we saw them, “I hope you can do what needs to be done when the time comes.”
But the way this was staged…weak. It made Jon look like a little Lord of Winterfell who is lost North of The Wall, not a man of the Night’s Watch who is consciously rejecting that life.
Maybe the show writers wanted to slow down Jon’s growth from an angry youth to a full man, and thought that showing him make that kind of momentous decision less than a year after leaving home was too soon. Maybe they thought we thought the Wildlings would see more potential in a malleable youth than a man of strong convictions. Or maybe they really are doing what Rachel suggested and trying to diminish the most admirable sides of the characters it’s easiest to like in the books because HBO doesn’t like its viewers to have easy heroes.
I don’t know what their decision process was. But I know this: I was confused about why Qhorin was talking about Jon’s parents. That Jon could be goaded to kill a man for calling his mother a whore has exactly dick to do with his willingness to join the Wildlings. Jon has been captured. It’s not like he’s getting back to The Wall ever anyway, most likely…so it’s not like he could have been thinking (er…if it wasn’t planned that he kill the Halfhand) afterward that “oh, shit, killing the Halfhand means I can’t go back. Oops, guess I’ll just join the Wildlings then.” And from the Wildlings point of view, the fact that he killed Qhorin Halfhand in a fit of rage for insulting his mother would just make him look more dangerous a prisoner, but not a more likely prospect for conversion to their cause. Jon wasn’t fighting for his freedom in their eyes, but from hot emotion. The fact that he won would have made him look like a badass, sure, but they would have watched that battle, shrugged at the outcome, bound him tighter, and walked on. They would not have looked at him and said “now you are one of us.” It. Made. No. Sense.
If Jon and Qhorin had been arguing about loyalty to the Night’s Watch, and not betraying secrets and their brothers, and Jon was like “Fuck the Night’s Watch, I didn’t want to go but I had nowhere else, I’m 17 years old and I’ve never really kissed a girl and the Night’s Watch wants me to die an old man—or a young one—who has never really kissed a girl, so fuck that, and fuck you if you don’t like it.” HAD THAT BEEN THEIR ARGUMENT THE “HE’S ONE OF US! HUZZAH!” REACTION MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
But, y’all, that was not Jon and Qhorin’s argument.
This is not to mention…there was no retaliation from the Wildlings for him killing their most valuable prisoner? COME THE FUCK ON. If they know enough about who Qhorin is to be impressed that Jon killed him, then why on earth would they have let him be killed? They all just formed up a sparring ring and let them have blades, really? Because it’s not like King North of The Wall Mance Fucking Raider would have wanted to debrief Qhorin Halfhand or anything. Not at all. No chance of that! The Wildlings reaction was just…unbelievable, when I sat down later and thought it through.
I am also upset over the future interplay between Jon and Ygritte now that the fight was about his whore mother (or was she?) and not his desire to be his own man and have his life back. Because if he had said “I’m taking my life back” then he would have had to put a move on her. This way, he can still be all emo and reluctant to bed her until he realizes it’s part of his disguise and mopes about it for an episode first. I would much rather see him take a positive action to embrace his own sexuality rather than having to be seduced. Sigh. As much as I am all in favor of ladies doing it—Talisa style—that doesn’t mean I want MEN to be the ones getting seduced against their will and understanding and moral code.
Actually…looking back at the sex we’ve seen this season…the bulk of it by far has been women seducing men against their better judgment and very much being the sexual aggressors. And I am quite sad to realize that perhaps the most sexually equitable relationship IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING SHOW so far has been Cersei and Jaime. You guys, there is something seriously fucked up when the people with the healthiest sexual relationship are the twins doing each other.
I’m actually quite serious about this. Talisa pulled a romance novel hero on Robb where she was like, “I’m going to seduce you even though morally you are reluctant because you will enjoy it, so just like back (or stand back, whatever) and let me do the rest.” Fine, so they are probably healthy up after he makes his choice about it, but still, putting your boobs in a man’s face and expecting him to make a morally responsible decision at that moment is…questionable at best. Cersei is using her power as Queen and Head Bitch Lannister in Charge to use Lancel at her whims. Margaery is more than a match for poor Renly…or would have been, had he lived. Melisandre and Stannis? What black magic did she use to overcome his normally prosaic and plodding moral compass? Osha having to do nothing to slit Theon’s throat in his sleep (had she so chosen) except drop her robe.
And then in the more traditional roles of men using women we have Craster with his daughters, all the whores who got fucked and abandoned or abused along the season, and Shae, whom Tyrion might love but who is still paid for her work and that puts her in a position of subservience at least until she can make him so in love with her he’ll do anything to keep her (at which point she moves to unhealthy column #1). Regardless of what is worked out after the wedding, any woman married off for political reasons is, as Cersei put it so elegantly, being “sold like a horse so he could ride me whenever he wanted.” So…yeah. Where’s the healthy couple with no power dynamic or discrepancy at play? The most fucked up relationship of them all.
I had not really thought about this until now. Just wow. Possibly most fascinating is that in aggregate this season has had a lot of exploration of female sexuality as a weapon. Back to Cersei, who seems to just be speaking all the truths, telling Sansa to learn how to use it. So much for women being helpless…but Margaery Tyrell already proved that being more feminine than most can be much more powerful than Sansa made it seem.
Overall Thoughts on Season 2
Rachel: All in all I found Season 2 to be much more uneven than Season 1. It had some absolutely fantastic episodes and moments, but it also seems to be slipping dangerously close to re-imagining. Season 1 was so true to the novels, and with all the events and characters we’ll see from the Storm of Swords storyline – this show could easily go the way of HBO’s other fantasy series and look upon the books as mere inspiration for the show itself rather than a guide to the storyline.
Maybe that won’t happen. Maybe they’re stretching some revelations in order to up the drama of the Season 3 premiere. Here’s hoping, because as much as I love Tyrion Lannister and all the other baddies of Westeros, it’s the heroes that keep me coming back, and so far HBO seems to be ignoring them.
Elena: I enjoyed Season 2 much more than Season 1, and I think that had to do with my having read the first book (or, mostly). I do hope Rachel is wrong and the show maintains a decent amount of integrity toward the source material, that they have a plan for all the sideplots they are lopping off or shortening or shifting about.
For Season 3 I am hoping for more of the courtly politics and intrigue, and some more characters to meet up the way Jaime and Brienne have. For example I think Sam and Bran would become BFF’s if they met.
In the meantime, everyone is in a safe (enough) harbor, and I am content to gestate my anticipation for a full nine months before shadowbabying forward to Season 3.
Rachel: What did you think of the episode overall?
Elena: I loved what HBO did with “The Blackwater.” I thought it was totally ballsy for them to drop more than half their storylines for an entire episode to focus completely on this siege. I also felt it was a risk for their production team to get into this level of nitty-gritty detail with the logistics of a battle.
Could they balance the moments of dramatic tension with the action sequences their budget allowed for well enough to keep everything on point and engaging? Did they have enough of a budget to make a satisfying attack on King’s Landing at all? Both of which questions they managed to answer with a resounding “yes.”
The attack on King’s Landing had character moments, it had one huge sequence with the wildfire burning half the fleet, it had plot advancement, and it had some pretty nice scenes of battle action. Even though we didn’t really get a macro shot of the attack on Mud Gate itself, that was fine—the close-up on certain characters’ experiences mirrors how this entire story is told. Game of Thrones becomes epic via a vast pastiche of minor moments, not because it is heavy on epic moments. That was how the battle was structured, and it worked for me.
Elena: Stannis just wants to be sure we all know he is a badass, and possibly touched by R’hllor. That’s why he has no helmet.
Rachel: Maybe they didn’t put a helmet on Stannis because they are overly concerned the audience will not recognize a main character. HBO does think the audience is comprised entirely of people who only watch GoT while walking back and forth between the couch and the fridge, who can’t spell their own names let alone read the books and remember who is on which side of whatever battle….
Maybe they just didn’t have any money left in the budget for helmets because they BLEW UP ALL THE MONEY.
Ugh…the bitterness. It flows through me. Excuse me, I have to go be Zen for a moment.
So…we were talking about how Stannis is SO INCREDIBLY BADASS that he doesn’t even need a helmet, because he doesn’t fear death! Stannis knows he is meant to be king and no random peasant is going to lob a rock on HIS destined head, NO SIR!
Maybe Stannis is too busy remembering what it was like to have hair, and standing in the prow of a row boat while cruising along towards his new, way more awesome castle is JUST the place to feel the wind caress his forehead. To feel it lick his temples and noodle in his ears…
I’m getting off track.
But it DOES suck that Stannis came SOOOO CLOSE to winning it all right then and there. Such is your lot, Stannis! Born second. Classic middle child.
Rachel: Varys proves that he hates witches, and that he gives a shit about Westeros: agree, or disagree?
Elena: Agree! Verily I agree.
I really enjoyed the Varys scenes this episode. For the first time I actually felt anything for him, or from him, as a character. He is mildly distasteful in that you know he’s scheming and can’t be trusted (nor can he be trusted to betray you every time! That’s what makes him frustrating to deal with), but I just haven’t known what to make of him up till now. I still don’t know what his game is, but I finally saw a moment of truth from him when he was talking about the witches like Melisandre. He hates them and fears them, and he does not want to see them gaining any power in Westeros. He gives a shit about what happens in Westeros. I felt like the tears in his eyes when he spoke about that were genuine.
When we were discussing this episode, Rachel pointed out to me that Cersei had a moment of tears with Cat, and perhaps these were equally fake (or maybe-fake), but I think they were real. Tears can be a weapon, sure, as they speak to an apparent truthfulness, but what was Varys trying to accomplish if he were faking the emotion? He was talking to Tyrion, and the two of them have obviously allied in some ways. If Varys wants to protect King’s Landing from Stannis and his red woman, and he believes Tyrion is the only one who can help, then maybe he manipulates him that way…except that Varys has to know Tyrion is already as committed as he could ever be to defending the city. Tyrion will be shown no mercy by Stannis. Tyrion is also the sort of person who does what needs to be done no matter what; Varys knows this. So there is nothing his words will encourage or inspire Tyrion to do that Tyrion wasn’t already going to do, ergo he does not need to use that weapon at that time.
So I think Varys was for one brief scene dropping his masks. I still don’t understand him, but I am more intrigued by him for the glimpse of humanity. It was a well-placed moment, as he’s a character who has been a cipher for most of the series so far. Also, because he is so inscrutable most of the time, his feelings towards the witches are more powerful. It makes me wonder if Stannis really knows what he’s doing, meddling with a power like that. It makes me glad Davos was there to talk him into leaving Melisandre behind and taking the city on his own.
…except, with his failure to take the city, will he come back a second time, with her?
Oh my god, y’all, maybe another Shadowbaby will kill Joffrey! That would be amazing. I would be Team Shadowbaby forevah!
Elena: I say this because (SPOILER ALERT) Joffrey fails at everything except pleasing the viewers by dying ignobly.
Rachel: First Rule of Reading AsoIaF – GRRM wants you to suffer.
Plus he seems to be excelling quite well at being a doucheweasel!
Elena: Talk to me about how much you loved Tyrion in this episode. Was it as much as I did?
Rachel: Of course I loved Tyrion. Everyone loves Tyrion. He’s the only normal person in the entire series. He’s craftier, sadder, more tortured, and more insecure in the novels, but since he’s their Emmy winner – HBO is going to make him mostly funny.
So I’m really happy they allowed Peter to do a little frustration, anger and uncertainty in “The Blackwater.” Mixed with bravado and smartassery – VOILA. Show Tyrion. Loved by all! Who am I kidding, when he casually lopped off that one guy’s leg at the knee…I LOLed.
Sometimes, though, it’s hard for me to ever be truly WORRIED about Tyrion – since he is obviously a stand-in for the audience, and GRRM himself. Even more so in the show. Not that I really expected HBO to hack Dinklage’s face off…that was never going to happen. Production, makeup, acting. But kudos for pulling an almost Tarantino with that face slash. It made the inside of my face tingly.
Speaking of faces…seems like those of us living in the States can also fear for our facial symmetry.
No. Let’s move on.
Picking up the slack. Being the only USEFUL Lannister. It’s got to be hard for him seeing as he’s daddy’s least favorite child. Cersei is planning on killing herself and Tommen (leaving Myrcella to what, exactly? THINK IT THROUGH, CERSEI). Joffrey is a little baby – himself a product of some whacky parenting in which his “I should have been born a man, I want to fight” mother apparently never thought her eldest son should receive any martial training at all?
Jaime is off being besties with Brienne, which is actually fine. Otherwise he’d be in King’s Landing, swaggering around, his mere presence forcing Tyrion to leave everything to the elder brother. I like take charge Tyrion. The peasants like him too? Maybe they’ll stop calling him a Demon Monkey?
Rachel: But sadly, best in show goes to Bronn, not Tyrion. Bronn is an expert archer, skilled in hand to hand combat, singing Lannister drinking songs (raise your hand if The National’s cover of “The Rains of Castamere” sent you into barely controlled hysterics), and trading quips with the Hound.
Elena: Holy shit, yes, Bronn has proven to be quite the Renaissance man about Westeros! I actually wondered if he is a Jon Snow of Lannister country (Bronn Stone or whatever they’re called there) who was raised with certain…pretensions. He knows the Lannister song. He can sing in perfect pitch even drunk. He can read. He knows obscure military tacticians. He might be a sell-sword, but…where did he learn swordplay? That’s not how the peasants fight—that’s how lords fight. Knights and landholders. Hm. I have never questioned Bronn’s lowness because mercenaries are so reviled, but now I begin to wonder.
Rachel: Speaking of things we wondered about…WTF was that with Shae at the end?
Elena: Um…. (crickets chirp)
Shae’s last scene befuddled me. I…don’t know what she meant about saying goodbye. Either the city doesn’t fall, and life goes on as it has been, and she stays with Tyrion (even if she can’t stay with Sansa now that Cersei has noticed her), or Stannis takes the city and Tyrion dies. There is no saying goodbye either way. That line just made no sense. It made no sense if she meant it, and it made no sense for her to give a shit about what Sansa thought or did if she was about to run for a tunnel.
I am confused. Curious to see if we ever see Shae again, but only mildly. I never really have gotten into her and Tyrion as a couple. I know he likes low women, but I have the snobbery of a very well-read woman and think he ought to be with someone who can keep up with him intellectually, not someone who is sweet and just feisty enough to challenge his Lannister pride. So I’m kind of meh on their whole relationship. If Cersei succeeded in hurting her, would it hurt him because he really loved her or because he hates to see anyone weaker than himself hurt, especially because of him? The fact that I ask that question tells me I don’t think he really loves her, not the way I understand the word. He just considers her his, and he takes care of his own.
Rachel: Can we talk about Cersei now? Can we?
Elena: Cersei. Cersei, Cersei, Cersei. Why did you have to be such a raging cunt so many times before this? I almost like you after this episode. Sitting there getting drunk, and then getting drunk on telling the truth so you just keep speaking it, because once you say the first uncomfortable truth you realize how good it feels to stop pretending.
I was uncomfortable about how much I related to her in these scenes. The last place I’d want to be is amidst the crying women (although I wouldn’t want to be swinging a sword…I’d rather be alone, getting drunk by myself, at a time like that). And I have a knack for polarizing people into those who love me and those who hate me because I am not very good at not speaking truths. I popped that cork a long time ago. So I got where she was coming from.
Rachel was spot-on in our Skype to say that she kind of falls apart under pressure, though—she’s not being the strong queen the ladies can be inspired by, even though she knows it’s what they want, what the story they tell themselves is supposed to have. She does not deal well with the waiting, with the not knowing, with the inaction. She also does not deal well with what she perceives as an inevitable defeat.
I might actually give her the benefit of the doubt here and suggest that if she were allowed to hold a sword and fight, that she would do it, and bravely, and with no cringing or second thoughts. I think her problem is that she has a masculine personality in a woman’s body and a woman’s role in life. Men are generally not good in that kind of situation. They are fine with the fighting, but the waiting and wondering are hell for them. They are great in short-term crises but not long-term ones, so good at killing enemies one by one and not so good at sickbeds…or behind walls awaiting an outcome.
But Cersei was apparently never quite brave enough to do what, say, Brienne of Tarth has done and reject basically her family and the life she knows to become what she wants, even if that is a role traditionally reserved for men, and so instead she has been warped and twisted by the constraints of her life. She is ill-suited for behaving in the ways women are supposed to behave, but she has never taken control of her life to live it the way she wants. She instead makes petty rebellions, like drinking too much instead of actually inspiring her flock of ladies, or bringing Joffrey in instead of letting him become a king who can inspire his men by leading them in battle.
I found this an interesting contrast to Sansa’s reaction. Sansa was the one who stepped into the role and tried to be a rock for the other women. I have no doubt she would have stayed there indefinitely except for Shae’s quite rational point that Stannis Baratheon would show her mercy where Ser Ilyn would not, and that she should not be in the room with him when the city fell and he decided to kill the women so Stannis could not use them against their families. Now, I know not much has been made of Sansa’s storytelling in the show; from book Sansa I know she would do this via the method of acting like a brave queen in an old ballad, but even with that sort of layering of reality with her fantasy role-playing…she is still standing there and not breaking down. It’s really not that different from the sort of prop all of us use to get through hard times.
Now, the other big Sansa moment was at the end. Our San-San ship crashing into the hard rocks of reality shoals. Personally, I don’t know why the girl didn’t run when she had the chance. Being the Hound’s sex slave for a weeks-long hike to Winterfell (or life) is way better than being married to Joffrey. I think the problem was that Sansa thought Stannis was going to win. Cersei inspired the wrong conviction in her breast! So she was assuming that she would get sent back to Robb or at worst would still be a hostage but at least not one facing imminent marriage to a sociopath. Win-win. The Hound’s offer must have seemed like the pimply geek asking her to prom when she was dating the quarterback.
Unfortunately for Sansa, Stannis will not be liberating her any time soon.
I do wonder if Margaery Tyrell might be up for some liberating Sansa, though, since she is determined to be The Queen and Joffrey is really her only viable path at this point. I bet between Littlefinger and Tywin and Margaery they can find a way around marrying Joffrey to Sansa. I just hope it doesn’t involve killing the girl. She has grown on me enough that I don’t want to see the little bird die.
Rachel: Hmmmmm, astute of you. This may or may not be important when it becomes common knowledge that Robb has lost Winterfell to the Greyjoys. Sansa’s worth as a key to the North might come into question at that point, or she might be an excuse to invade the North on behalf of the South. Either way, I’m glad Sansa didn’t take the Hound up on his offer…. could you imagine what would happen to Sansa at her homecoming? Shudder.
Elena: Speaking of dying…. Wildfire! And sad onion knight Ser Davos.
Rachel: Davos is ALWAYS sad. Okay, so this time his son got blowed up and Stannis lost the war and Tywinning handed them their asses…but he’ll always have the night the lights went out in that cave with Melisandre? (Oh yeah…remember Reba? I’m having a moment here…). Oh wait, no, he doesn’t want to remember that ever again. (Me neither.) (But Tremors is amazing.)
Let’s talk about the fuuucking wildfire. THEY BLEW IT UP. THEY FINALLY DID IT! The Hound was all scared, soldiers were on fire, the Maester was giddy with joy. The only thing I missed was the great chain that Tyrion had them secretly build and string across the water to block the ships from escaping the port, so that he could really make sure they ALL burned. Obviously this point was a victim of more streamlining. That’s fine. I think most of Stannis’ ships burned. I guess. I might be on Team Wild Fire.
Let’s talk about those battle scenes:
They were definitely great. For television especially. Not as gruesome as your average episode of True Blood (waves at the dude who got his head all splatted), but I’m okay with that because the more gore, the less serious the situation becomes for the audience. There was certainly reliance on cut shots rather than epic panning because, duh. Shit is expensive. They gave us that one long shot when the boat blew. Beauteous as it was.
I was a little miffed that there were no horses. It makes everything seem a whole lot smaller than it should have felt? Like when Lancel is running back and forth between the battle and Cersei, it’s almost like he is just ducking through the portcullis and running into the throne room and …well, obviously, there’s an entire fucking CITY in between. The same goes for Tyrion skulking through the sewers to come around behind Stannis’ men (also…where did those backup troops of Stannis’ even COME from? Around the corner?!)
Then suddenly Tywinning barges in and we’re expected to instantly recognize Renly’s armor as distinct from Tywin’s (which even I did not immediately notice or comprehend until I saw Loras take the helmet off after, and then I was all…ohhhh Loras wearing Renly’s armor moment). (And yet Stannis didn’t have a helmet? I DON’T UNDERSTAND SOMETIMES.)
Zen.
Anyways what I mean is Loras is the only person in Westeros with a damn horse, and it just happens to be the same horse Tywin has been riding all season?
Get some horses HBO. JUST GET SOME.
Elena: Wait, wasn’t Tywin going for Robb? And how did the Tyrells get involved? Was that where Littlefinger went and what he did? OMG what scheme did he and Tywin concoct for him to offer to the Tyrells!? How sad is Stannis tonight? What will he do next?
Rachel: Ha haaa…you were fooled! Arya was fooled! Tywin went for King’s Landing instead of Robb. A totally different direction!
Now why would the Tyrells be involved? It’s quite simple. The Tyrells supported Renly. Renly was killed by (no one knows), but they suspect Stannis’ involvement. So they can’t turn around and support Stannis’ claim. But they CAN support the next Baratheon claimant, which would be Joffrey. Catelyn ran off with Brienne, herself a suspect in Renly’s death, so that pretty much killed the Tyrell’s allying with Robb in a Northern/Southern pincher attack. Of course, Margaery wouldn’t be interested in that anyways, since Robb is promised to a bridge and that doesn’t leave many avenues towards Queenhood, other than allying with another House to claim the Iron Throne, since Robb doesn’t want it. That just brings us back to the original Baratheon conflict, and the Tyrells are left with Joffrey again. Mostly because Loras wants himself some vengeance against Stannis for killing Renly. Mostly.
Littlefinger is obviously playing a huge role in this – don’t forget he exists! He has teleportation powers that he has lent to Tywin, in the land of Westeros where distances have no meaning in the narrative. (ZEN).
Anyways, it’s incredibly important because although the Lannisters are not without some serious army, the Tyrells are just as rich as the Lannisters, and they’ve got TONS of men in their army. This is definitely a great move for the Lannisters since Dorne has never loved them, and the Tyrells provide a perfect buffer and protection against the southernmost house that the TV viewers haven’t met yet.
And Robb…well, does Robb even have a bridge anymore? We know he doesn’t have a home. His mother is on the run. He’s lost his Lannister captive and gained a foreign girlfriend.
I can’t help but love a good love story. Even if it is in the middle of a bad-ass sci-fi thriller or violent horror film I can’t help but root for love to win out. It may not be my main focus for watching something, but if it is there, I support it. I do this especially when it comes to novels. I don’t know if it is because it takes so long for a resolution when reading (say a few days to finish the book rather than 2 hours to finish a movie) but when reading, I become incredibly emotionally invested in the lives and loves of the characters.
That is why I hate when a character I have loved and invested in is ruined when brought to the big screen. Lovers, couples, burgeoning crushes, and heartfelt lifetimes together mean nothing if the actors playing those characters suck (or even the writing sucks in some cases.)
So here are three book couples that were ruined when brought to the silver screen.
Emma and Dexter – One Day
“Do you want to awkward almost kiss for this whole movie?” “Yes!”
I’ve written on here before about how much I hated the movie adaptation of the novel One Day by David Nicholls. In my mind it was terrible, losing all of the charm and wit on the novel. However, one of the big reasons I disliked it were the lead actors. Normally I love Anna Hathaway, she is incredibly talented and gorgeous. Same with Jim Sturgess, I mean he was FANTASTIC in Across the Universe. But the two of them together? NO CHEMISTRY.
The lives of Emma and Dexter were twisty and complicated with missed opportunities and sexual tension that was interlaced with comedic moments/ heartbreak and clever conversation. The Emma and Dexter of the film were awkward, clunky, and full of uncomfortable moments where I wished it would hurry to the conclusion.
“No one is ever going to believe we are a couple…”
I blame part of this unfortunate casting choice on the director who was easily bribed into hiring Hathaway who is not british and who’s accent was unwieldy and cumbersome. The director initially wanted a british actress to play the british character but Hathaway insisted on the part despite his reservations going so far as sending him a mix tape on why she should get it. Clearly she wouldn’t give up and he gave in. It seems this forced casting might have been a mistake.
Overall, the lack of chemistry between these actors have pushed this fictional couple from cute to unpleasant.
If only Dexter and Emma’s robotic love was as cute as this.
Clare and Henry – The Time Traveler’s Wife
“What year is this? Are you old enough to bone yet?”
I want to get this straight right off the bat. This is one of my favorite books ever written. I have probably read it 12 times. But the movie version? AWFUL. I have seen it once and probably never will again.
Honestly, this book is long, with ever changing point of views, years, and settings. I never thought it would become a movie because of its complex nature, and when it did, I wasn’t surprised by how many people felt it was convoluted and illogical. It really does not translate well to the big screen and because of that neither does the romantic nature of Clare and Henry.
This one has nothing to do with the actors, unlike the top entry. This has to do with the nature of the storyline. Clare knows Henry since she is 6 years old, but he only meets her when he is 28 and she is 20 – that alone would be difficult to transfer to a visual medium but also take note that the book is several hundred pages long, and constantly switches between her point of view at various ages, and his at various ages. To get depth and inherently loveliness and heartache of their relationship, nothing should be glossed over. Unfortunately not everything could be added into the movie, and to compensate several scenes were added into the film making it even worse.
As a fan I felt like the characters I loved and rooted for were nonexistent in the film and replaced with standard characters in an a standard romantic drama. And maybe I actually hated Eric Bana as Henry.
“I’m so torn on marrying you because I just saw you as a 6 year old and I naked… awkward.”
Katniss and Peeta – The Hunger Games Trilogy
“Ugh is he still staring at me?”
Everyone who has seen the film adaptation of The Hunger Games after reading the novel knows they left A LOT out. They also could probably tell that Katniss went from a resourceful smart heroin to merely a lucky survivor with emotionally cold tendencies.
The whole time I read the trilogy I was all about some Peeta and Katniss. I loved them together and I wanted so badly for them to be happy together. Through out the first book, we know Katniss is confused about her feelings, we know she feels something for Peeta that she can’t define or refuses to define yet (which honestly does continue till the end of the series). Yet the film made her seem cold and manipulative. We don’t see her struggling over Peeta and Gale internally but we do see her playing up her feelings for the camera.
I mean yes, in the book she also plays up her feelings for sponsors and help, but there are several instances where she acts because she wants to and because she cares, not just because the cameras are watching. And much of it has to do with the writing. I know that it is difficult to adapt a first person narrative in to a third person film. However, much of the underlying psychological issues of Katniss are lost in the film version making her seems superficial and selfish when book Katniss is not.
“Do you think he bought it?”
It is hard to be “Team Peeta” based on the movie when the film lacks any allusion to her having even the tiniest bit of real feelings toward him. However, we have two/three more movies to go, lets hope for the best. And lets face it I’ll always be Team Peeta… who’s arms smell of bread…
