Now that season 5 of HBO’s “True Blood” has concluded, it is time to reflect back on the semi-terrible season we all just witnessed. Don’t get me wrong, there were some fantastic moments, moments were my girly squeals of glee echoed through my apartment, but those moments were leveled out by the multitude of times I said “what the fuck is happening?”
So, here is “True Blood” season 5 in retrospect.
I think it goes without saying, but just in case: SPOILERS AHEAD
Russell is back, OF COURSE BECAUSE WHY KILL THE MOST DANGEROUS VAMPIRE? Though he falls in love with Steve Newlin, which is cute in its own creepy “lets drain a fraternity” kind of way. Denis O’hare is a fucking pro and handles his character like a boss.
CHRISTOPHER MELONI (do I really need to say more?)
Eric is finally back to the witty, sarcastic, intense viking we all love by the end of the season. We have missed you Eric.
Sam and Luna are naked this entire season. I’m pretty sure. This a pro because who doesn’t want to see them naked?
Luna’s daughter is a puppy the whole time too, which is freaking adorbs.
Pam does truly love Eric and she used to be a hooker. I love LOVE all the flashbacks to how they met.
Jessica glamours Hoyt to forget her and Jason. It broke my heart. Tears like waterfalls. But I saw the point in it. Definitely one of the most heartbreaking scenes of the entire season. Also the entire back and forth with Jessica and Jason. There are some genuinely sweet times between those two who can just never seem to get it together.
Alcide. Does anyone else feel like Sookie should give him an honest shot. He is sweet and loving and could treat her well. He also spends most of his time shirtless and growling which makes my heart and pants happy.
Vampire religion is a huge role this season. At first, I was annoyed however the more i think about it the more this social commentary didn’t feel as forced as some of the ones in the past. Also led up to Bill’s transformation in to the fucking worst.
Lafayette tells Alcide “don’t fucking growl at me.” Later he makes cajun margaritas and Merlotte’s is at peace once again.
Steve Newlin is a vampire now, wants a pet puppy, falls in love with Russell and then seems genuinely distraught at his death. His whole storyline. Gold.
Everything Roslyn said the entire season.
Sookie vomits on Alcide’s shoes. They do not talk about it.
Stoned vampires. Classic.
Jason says, “I don’t give a twirly fuck.”
Bill has finally secured the role of being the fucking worst. Closely followed by Lillith.
CHRISTOPHER MELONI DIES! I wanted more shirtless Roman, more Meloni damnit!
Tara is a vampire. Her character has annoyed me from the beginning, and her whininess only gets worse now that she has fangs and can’t die.
PAM IS NOT FULLY UTILIZED. She spends the entire season with Tara. Then they make out.
Jason rebuffs Jessica’s love in the end.
Eric bangs his vampire sister.
We learn literally nothing about Worlow.
As in previous seasons, even more storylines are added to this season that no one cared about:
Terry and Ifrit. I literally forgot this whole storyline existed because once it was over, I forced it out of my mind.
Listen, I am all for any reason for Alcide to be shirtless/naked but I do not care about him and his “should I/shouldnt I be pack master” shit.
The fairy elder. What the fuck was that about? I’m glad she got drained.
Andy impregnated that fairy lady, whose “light breaks” and proceeds to pop out four fairy babies and promptly leaves. It took a whole season to lead up to that.
The hate group killing “supes.” They wear Obama masks and it feels forced. This is a storyline I could have done without.