Category Archives: Movie Adaptations

The Hobbit Sets New December Opening Weekend Record

Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey officially hit theaters this past weekend and has set a new December opening weekend record. The film surpassed the $77.2 million earned by Will Smith-starrer I Am Legend the same weekend in 2007. The Peter Jackson film debuted in 4,045 theaters in which it averaged a strong $20,958 per location.

The film received an A CinemaScore from moviegoers. 58% of the audience was over the ages of 25 and males made up 57% of the audience. $10.1 million of the domestic total came from the 326 IMAX theaters the film opened in this weekend. That’s an average of $31,000 per screen. Internationally, the picture broke an IMAX December record grossing $5 million in 126 IMAX locations (an average of $40,000). The IMAX locations which showed the film in 48 fps were quite strong, generating $44,000 per screen domestically and $57,000 per screen internationally. IMAX’s global weekend total for “The Hobbit” is an estimated $15+ million, which is a record for December.

Other films playing over the weekend also did very well. DreamWorks Animation’s Rise of the Guardians remained in second place with $7.4 million for a four-week total of $71.4 million. DreamWorks Pictures’ Lincoln climbed a spot to third with $7.2 million. The $65 million Steven Spielberg film has earned $107.9 million after six weeks in theaters.

Skyfall drastically dropped from first place to fourth. Worldwide, the film has earned $951 million to date.

Life of Pi sits at the fifth spot with $5.4 million its fourth weekend. The Twentieth Century Fox Film release has collected $69.6 million after four weeks.

Dylan McDermott Joins Stephen King Adaptation Mercy

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“American Horror Story” actor Dylan McDermott has announced that he has joined the cast of the upcoming Stephen King adaptation entitled, Mercy. McDermott is no stranger to the horror genre as he appeared in season one of FX’s “American Horror Story” and will appear in the season 2 as well.

Mercy is based on the short story, “Gramma” written by King in 1985 for the short story anthology “Skeleton Crew.” The short story was inspired by the works of H.P. Lovecraft.

The story was previously adapted for the small screen in an episode of “The New Twilight Zone” (written by Harlan Ellison), Mercy is the chilling tale, two young boys go with their single mother to visit their elderly, senile grandmother, whose name is Mercy. As events unravel; however; they learn that Gramma Mercy is a witch. Her powers are fueled by a pact with the Ancient Ones.

The Haunting in Connecticut’s Peter Cornwell will direct with Matt Greenberg providing the screenplay.

Jason Blum will produce via his Blumhouse Productions. That’s the same studio behind current hits, Paranormal Activity 4 and Sinister. Peter Cornwell of The Haunting in Connecticut will direct Mercy using a script from Matt Greenberg, whose previous work includes 1408.

Australian actress, Frances O’Connor is also attached to star. Chandler Riggs, most known for his role on AMC’s “The Walking Dead” has also been rumored to have signed on to play the main role of George Bruckner.

Soul-Crushingly Bad Movies Inspired by Video Games

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Hollywood filmmakers are, to put it bluntly, a rather greedy and opportunistic lot. No trend, brand or character is immune from being brought to the big screen in an attempt to wring some profit out of movie-goers. Video games are no exception and the results over the years have been mixed. “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider” was pretty good, and if you didn’t love the plot, at least you couldn’t disagree with Angelina Jolie’s wardrobe.

Unlike Tomb Raider, many games don’t have a compelling plot or enough characters to justify a film adaptation. But with the recent announcement of an Angry Birds movie in 2016, you might download games online today and see movie trailers once a large enough fan base is established. Angry Bird creator Rovio is financing the full-length animated movie themselves, so we may start seeing more gaming-related films being produced outside of the traditional studio system.

We’ve highlighted three of the worst movies made from video games. What do you think is the worst? Let us know in the comments!

TEKKEN

The Game:

The original game in the franchise was released in 1994 as an arcade game and eventually for home gaming on PlayStation. TEKKEN was one of the most popular hand-to-hand fighting games of the era, allowing players to choose from a wide variety of fighters. It gave rise to several sequels and is beloved by many a video game aficionado.

The Movie: Tekken (2010)

The film was produced in America and only theatrically released (with any minuscule amount of success) in Japan. Stateside, it was so poorly received that it was given a straight-to-video release. Even the producer of Tekken (the game) publicly bashed it, saying in a tweet from his @Harada_TEKKEN account, “That Hollywood movie is terrible.” Further derisive comments on Rottentomatoes.com include:

“…a limb-snapping effort of escapism surrounded by bland writing and sleepy performances.”
“The fight sequences – dreamlike and almost-spiritual in the original game – are relegated to UFC-style octagons, shot like shaky-cam snuff and soundtracked by Insane Clown Posse-wannabees. It’d be headache inducing if it weren’t so damn boring.”
“…You do not want to see Tekken the movie.”

BloodRayne

The Game:

Released by Terminal Reality in 2002, this game features a well-endowed, scantily clad female protagonist by the name of Rayne. She is a dhampir (half-vampire) intent on hunting down her vampire father and striking down any vampires she meets on the way. She joins the Brimstone society and works with them to vanquish the undead and prevent powerful occult relics from falling into the wrong hands.

The Movie: Bloodrayne (2005)

If you invoke the golden rule, you can’t say much about the film except for facts. So, here goes: Meat Loaf was in it. Ben Kingsley, Michelle Rodriguez and Billy Zane were also in it. The movie had a budget of $25 million and grossed almost $3.6 million, which leads us to believe it wasn’t well received.

Critical responses on Rottentomatoes.com were pretty forthright about how terrible the film was, saying things like:

“The fight scenes are the worst kind of editing-room cheating, meant to cover for actors who haven’t been trained to wield anything more intimidating than a cell phone.”
“Turgid drama and incompetently staged action sequences…”
“This is a movie that begs you not to watch it.”

Super Mario Brothers

The Game:

Back in the day when the original Nintendo console was king, everyone who was anyone had a copy of Mario Brothers. Mario and Luigi are some of the most recognizable video game characters in the world. Every platform ever sold by Nintendo features multiple game titles with these guys as featured players or stars. It must have seemed like a slam-dunk in Hollywood, bring the duo to the big screen.

The Movie: The Super Mario Brothers (1993)

Despite starring talented actors like Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper and Samantha Mathis, this film is a flop. The world of Dinohattan is campy and the action is not compelling. We kind of wish they’d flushed this concept down the pipes.

Critical highlights on Rottentomatoes.com include these gems:

“Game over, man.”
“Super Mario Bros. is about as playful and challenging as an unplugged pinball machine.”
“They should have used cheat codes to make this a winner.”
“It will baffle kids, bore adolescents, and depress adults.”

Guest post written by Mark Sumner

A very busy film editor, Mark is glad that his film trivia is being put to some use and that he can use his writing abilities to supplement his artist’s income.

Reboot Adaptation Hires ScreenWriter

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Lindsay Devlin, previously a development executive, has been hired to adapt “Reboot,” Fox 2000’s adaptation of an upcoming YA novel penned by Amy Tintera.

Chernin Entertainment announced they would be producing the adaptation of the YA story that is set after the world becomes infected with a deadly virus and killer slave soldiers are created from dead teenagers. Two re-animated teens decide to band together to fight the organization responsible.

Following the lead of several other studios, Fox 2000 acquired the film rights for the novel before it had been published official. Fox 2000 picked up with film rights this past February. “Reboot” is due to be published by HarperTeen in May. The studio must have felt the project would fair well in a sea of YA supernatural/sci fi drama’s flooding the entertainment industry.

This will be the first studio job for Devlin who began as an assistant at CAA before moving on to development jobs at Kerner Entertainment Co. (The Smurfs) and other shingles. Her horror spec Nocturne shot her out of the corporate world, and she slowly building is a name for herself in the mostly male-dominated world of genre writing.

There is no word on a projected release date for the project, or who is expected to star in the YA drama.

Alice in Wonderland Sequel Planned By Disney

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Disney recently announced that they have begun planning a sequel to Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. The film, which was released in 2010, starred Mia Wasikowska as Alice and Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter. The 3D film went on to earn $1 billion worldwide and scored Oscars for art direction and costume design. Continue reading →

Zach Helm Writing the Jumanji Remake

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It was announced a few months ago that beloved film and children’s book, Jumanji, was getting a remake. Now, Heat Vision has reported that the project has hired a screenwriter.

Zach Helm, most know for his work on Stranger Than Fiction and Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, has been hired to write the script for the Columbia Pictures re-imagining.

Most will remember the 1995 film starring Robin Williams, though the story was originally a short story of the same name written and illustrated by Chris Van Allsburg. The children’s book was released in 1981.

The plot followed two kids who play an old magic boardgame and release a man (Robin Williams) as well as many dangers that can be stopped only by finishing the game. The new film will likely tweak the premise and refashion the story for present day.

Jumanji initially grossed $263 million worldwide and the remake is expected to do extremely well.

Matt Tolmach and Bill Teitler are producing the reimagining of the story. Ted Field and Mike Weber are executive producing.

There is no word on who is attached to star in the project or a projected release date for the film.

Johnny Depp And Disney Planning A Don Quixote Adaptation

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Disney recently closed a deal on an new Don Quixote film pitch that was written by Steve Pink and Jeff Morris. The project will be produced by Infinitum Nihil’s Johnny Depp and Christi Dembrowski.

Rather than be another straight forward adaptation, the project is being described as being a modern re-imagining of Don Quixote. Depp has long been intrigued with that character, and at one time was attached to the Quixote film that Terry Gilliam has tried to make.

Don Quixote will be based off the novel “The Ingenious Gentleman Don Quixote of La Mancha,” written by Miguel de Cervantes. The novel follows the adventures of Alonso Quijano, an hidalgo who reads so many chivalric novels, that he decides to set out to revive chivalry under the name of Don Quixote. He recruits a simple farmer,Sancho Panza, as his squire, who frequently deals with Don Quixote’s rhetorical orations on antiquated knighthood with a unique, earthy wit. He is met by the world as it is, initiating themes like intertextuality, realism,metatheatre and literary representation.

The original novel was published in two separate volumes that were a decade apart, in 1605 and 1615 respectively. Remaining one of the more loves and respected literary novels in the world, it regularly appears on “best” lists around the world, and on a 2002 list, Don Quixote was cited as the “best literary work ever written”.

At Disney, Infinitum Nihil just wrapped the Depp-starrer Disney The Lone Ranger. The company’s feature credits also include Hugo, Dark Shadows and The Rum Diary. UTA reps Pink, Morris and Infinitum Nihil, while Pink’s managed by Mosaic and Morris by Caliber Media.

New Photo From Ender’s Game Featuring Harrison Ford Released

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The Ender’s Game big screen adaptation is still months away from being released, but Entertainment Weekly has released a brand new photo from the project that features Harrison Ford as Colonel Gruff. The new adaptation comes from director Gavin Hood and stars Asa Butterfield, Ben Kingsley, Harrison Ford, Hailee Steinfeld, Abigail Breslin, Viola Davis, Nonso Anozie, Stevie Ray Dillmore, Andrea Powell, Moises Arias, Conor Carroll, Aramis Knight, Brendan Meyer, Jimmy “Jax” Pinchak, Suraj Parthasarathy and Khylin Rhambo.

The Ender’s Game book series was written by Orson Scott Card. The book originated as the short story “Ender’s Game”, published in the August 1977 issue of Analog Science Fiction and Fact. Elaborating on characters and plot lines depicted in the novel, Card later wrote additional books to form the Ender’s Game series. Card released an updated version of Ender’s Game in 1991, changing some political facts to accurately reflect the times.

Ender’s Game won the 1985 Nebula Award for best novel and the 1986 Hugo Award for best novel. Its sequels, Ender in Exile, Speaker for the Dead, Xenocide, and Children of the Mind, follow Ender’s subsequent travels to many different worlds in the galaxy. In addition, the later novella A War of Gifts and novel Ender’s Shadow take place during the same time period as the original.Ender’s Game has been adapted into two comic series.

The official plot summary of the novel and film is as follows:

In the near future, a hostile alien race (called the Formics) have attacked Earth. If not for the legendary heroics of International Fleet Commander, Mazer Rackham (Ben Kingsley), all would have been lost. In preparation for the next attack, the highly esteemed Colonel Graff (Harrison Ford) and the International Military are training only the best young children to find the future Mazer. Ender Wiggin (Asa Butterfield), a shy, but strategically brilliant boy is pulled out of his school to join the elite.

Arriving at Battle School, Ender quickly and easily masters increasingly difficult war games, distinguishing himself and winning respect amongst his peers. Ender is soon ordained by Graff as the military’s next great hope, resulting in his promotion to Command School. Once there, he’s trained by Mazer Rackham, himself, to lead his fellow soldiers into an epic battle that will determine the future of Earth and save the human race.

Ender’s Game is expected to hit theaters November 1st, 2013.

First Photos From Spook’s Apprentice Adaptation Seventh Son

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USA Today recently released the first two photos from the upcoming project from Warner Bros. Pictures,’ Seventh Son. The adaptation features Jeff Bridges, Ben Barnes, Kit Harrington, Olivia Williams, and Julianne Moore.

The script came from Matt Greenberg and Chuck Leavitt is adapted from the first of Joseph Delaney’s book series, “The Wardstone Chronicles” called The Spook’s Apprentice; for Americans it’s titled The Last Apprentice: Revenge of the Witch.

Seventh Son has the official description below:

In a time long past, an evil is about to be unleashed that will reignite the war between the forces of the supernatural and humankind once more. Master Gregory (Jeff Bridges) is a knight who had imprisoned the malevolently powerful witch, Mother Malkin (Julianne Moore), centuries ago. But now she has escaped and is seeking vengeance. Summoning her followers of every incarnation, Mother Malkin is preparing to unleash her terrible wrath on an unsuspecting world. Only one thing stands in her way: Master Gregory.

In a deadly reunion, Gregory comes face to face with the evil he always feared would someday return. Now he has only until the next full moon to do what usually takes years: train his new apprentice, Tom Ward (Ben Barnes) to fight a dark magic unlike any other. Man’s only hope lies in the seventh son of a seventh son.

The Sergei Bodrov-directed film hits 3D, 2D and IMAX 3D theaters on October 18, 2013 and also stars Alicia Vikander, Antje Traue, Olivia Williams and Kit Harington.

You can see the new photos below:

Twilight: Part WTF (A Review of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2)

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Why are you interested in this movie?

Elena-

Because I love watching train wrecks! Oh, god, I can’t tell you how excited I am to see this part of the saga play out. I just…the baby thing was bad enough, that was the point when I knew the ending of Twilight was going to be bad, but the second half is where the switchman flipped the track to cracktastic. It’s so ridiculous it’s awesome (in the schadenfreude sense), and I can’t wait to see it play out on film…I can’t wait to see how they deal with Jacob being in love with Bella and Edward’s seven-minute old INFANT and the most anti-climactic final battle EVER and will we finally get to see some hot vampire sex now that Bella’s properly married, devirginized, and delivered of a child (no).

Also, Lee Pace. Even if I didn’t know the books or have an investment in finishing the film series, I would see this because my boy Lee is in it. In fact, if I were not going to be dressing up as Bella with a ripped bloody T-shirt and a bloody-mouthed Edward on my arm, I would be wearing my Randy Thrandy t-shirt to this film to show who I’m there for. Alas, in this cruel world one must choose between fabulous and fabulouser.

Rachel-

This shit isn’t done yet? How could there possibly be more? We watched her birth her horrorbaby, she died, she became a vampire, the wolf-guy got a pedo-boner. WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS THERE? Here I was minding my own business thinking I would never have to watch another Twilight movie. Did I do something to you, Elena? Did you guys conduct some kind of secret Optionated poll called “Let’s torture DarthRachel” ? Everyone voted… “Let’s make her watch more Twilight.” ? Is there even another book? Is this movie totally made up? Is it fanfic? IS THIS 50 SHADES OF GRAY?

Wait… Lee Pace is in this movie? Which vampire is he? Did we see him already? I’m just going to assume he is one of the vampires because there are no humans in this story. It’s like The Vampire Diaries only… not as good (let’s face it, TVD isn’t good anymore, sigh). So which vampire is ThrandyPace? Is he like…some super ancient Roman vampire? Is he a newborn French Revolution vampire? Will I recognize him at all? Will he have character development? WAIT. LET ME GUESS. HE IS IN LOVE WITH BELLA SWAN. Because… WHO ISN’T? *WEEPS* At least I’ll get some not at all quality Thrandy time into this viewing.

What will make it awesome?

Elena-

Um…if this one is more honest than Part 1 was? I felt like that movie really glossed over a lot of the questionable parts of the storyline (again I refer you to Edward’s mouth cesarean of demon-vampire-baby).

Also if this condenses the bloat of the second half of the book, which was 800 pages for no real reason…it should’ve been the shortest in the series based on how much actually happens in it.

Or if Carlisle busts out a Mike Dexter reference. I’m sure he could do a nice “I’ll kick everyone’s ass in this field!” when the Volturi show up.

Honestly, what will make this movie awesome is if it gives me lots of opportunities to laugh at it. So since that’s why I’m going in the first place, I’m pretty much guaranteed a good time, right?

Rachel-

Alcohol.

What will make it suck?

Elena-

If Lee Pace is only in it for like 5 seconds. He might be…I seriously cannot remember who his character is from the book, which I read once and promptly burned. So since I’m kind of depending on him to be my saving grace here, this could go badly for me.

Otherwise…if they rewrite this part to be that terrible sort of not awful but not good, just not good to make fun of kind of thing. That would suck. I demand the opportunity to heckle and jeer!

Rachel-

If I run out of alcohol.

Additional thoughts on casting or production or trailer?

Elena-

Not really. I’ve already brought up Lee Pace twice so I’ll lay off him…I think that was the only memorable casting for me for the new characters. I always enjoy Jasper, although I know I won’t see much of him since he and Alice run off and aren’t going to be in this film much. Actually, add this to the “make it awesome” tally—just watch Alice and Jasper run around South America looking for other demon vampire babies who grew up instead of staying with boring-ass Bella and Edward.

Rachel-

My favorite person in the Twilight movies is the snarky normal one that made fun of Bella’s ridiculous wedding. The one played by the actress that got the Oscar nom. Anna Kendrick. That one. Is she in part elventybillion? Or are there really going to be ZERO humans?

Also, someone please tell me why Dakota Fanning is in this monstrosity. That girl is a real actress who does not need to slum it by having two lines in a vampire movie. I know Kirsten Dunst was adorable in Interview… but Dakota cannot possibly have more than a couple of lines. She was in the other one… she could… make people’s head’s explode? Right? That was her? I hope she’s making absolute PILES of money.

Reaction to film?

Elena-

I was sadly nowhere near as drunk as I had planned, but I was even more covered in fake blood in the uterine area than I had anticipated! (Note to self: fake blood is super-viscous.) I had Edward with me, still sporting his blood-stache from delivering Renesmee, Carlie Spork Cullen, and Jacob creepily holding a baby doll and whispering about his “precious” and birthday presents. (Note: I…was with two female friends so this picture now becomes even more hilarious.) Do I need to tell you how much fun I had?

Good. Let’s just talk about this disaster, then.

Wow. This movie was pretty much everything I hoped for in terms of being excellent to make fun of. There was something new every ten seconds or so. Man. But I will let Rachel call out those moments in her live blog for you. I’ll try and focus on the bigger picture stuff.

GIANT DISCLAIMER: RACHEL AND I WILL BE TALKING ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS. WE ARE NOT GOING TO STOP AND CALL OUT “SPOILER.” YOU ARE WARNED.

Where to start. Okay, I’ll start with some positives. I really liked the way they handled the ending with the Volturi which, let’s face it, is super-lame in the book. It’s basically one line of throwaway dialogue from Alice, and the problem is solved. Because Alice solves all problems? Hrmm…seems like she causes them more than solves them throughout the series. Anyway. Here she gets to be the Big Damn Hero and save the day. I mean, her and Jasper basically rolled onto that snow-covered field like Mal and Zoe (though I’m not sure who that leaves to be Jayne hanging out of the ship…random Brazilian Savage?). But what was the awesome part was we actually GOT a final battle. Even though I knew it was going to be an Alice vision, there was a moment when I questioned that, when I was wondering what if they DO change this up and this is really happening? Like whoa, damn, that would be epic. I was getting ready for a standing ovation (didn’t happen).

Other things I enjoyed: Jacob’s strip-tease for Charlie. Oh, holy shit. I mean, of course they were going to take every opportunity to let Jacob get naked, but, I mean…they went for it with that scene. Taylor Lautner went for it. And Billy Burke did his job of being Bella’s awesome, hapless dad, and how else would a dad like that react to his daughter’s ex-suitor, whom he had tried to push her toward, getting naked in front of him to “tell him something important” than to try and run. The lolz abounded.

Also great? EVERY SECOND LEE PACE WAS ON SCREEN! Nola gal that I am, I was so pleased that they found him in New Orleans. I mean, of course reckless vampire Lee Pace hangs out here and eats drunk tourists (closest thing vampires can get to a buzz, what?) and tells Civil War stories to the locals. Shit, now I’m wondering if the guy who made me toast to General Lee (no joke, that really happened to me in a bar here once) was RandyThrandy in disguise! And, man, they just gave him every one-liner everyone will want to quote later to make fun of. “Woman, I’ll follow you anywhere!” “Name a battle. I was there. I helped win it.” Lee was great. He knew what this role was. He went after it honey badger style. He just really didn’t give a shit. He knew he was better than this, and he came out with his dick swingin’ and owned it anyway. So much fun to watch. Now I am even more pumped for the Hobbit Part Whenever Lee Pace Shows Up.

And finally in things I liked—LANCEL LANNISTER IS ONE OF THE VOLTURI?!?!?! What? How did I not know that? Oh, god, every time he was on stage…more wine, sir? This was like…Lancel got made into a vampire and was really determined not to be anyone’s bitch after suffering Cersei and Tyrion’s rule for so long. He was all about taking names and taking heads.

Those were the good points. Considering this movie was what, three hours long, that’s precious few.

What can I say about Bella and Edward’s (or any of them’s) acting that hasn’t already been said? It isn’t very good. Edward’s expression moved from constipated for four straight movies to sickeningly proud of himself (guess he finally dropped that deuce?). Dude…stop smirking. Just because you knocked up your wife and she survived it, and your kid is special…you still don’t get a pass for being that self-satisfied.

I was disappointed with the producers for STILL not giving me a Mike Dexter line. COME ON! We all know the only reason anyone recognizes him is from being Mike Dexter.

The plot (“plot”) of this part remained as ridiculous as I remembered from the book. Watching Jacob bonding with Nessie on screen was even creepier than it was to read about. Maybe because the movies have just gone so far out of their way to sexualize Jacob, with the bulging muscles and shirtlessness at every chance and bedroom eyes. I still hate the idea that the only reason he and Bella ever liked each other was because of her ovaries. The military has a word for that: FUBAR. Also, can I reiterate that Nessie will apparently be full grown when she is SEVEN. SEVEN. Oh my god that is beyond fucked up. So far beyond it comes around behind and kicks super fucked up in the ass.

Also what the shit was that with Bella buying them secret identities so they could run off and disappear from the Volturi? It was…look, in the book there is a whole thing about how the werewolves and Nessie share some chromosomal abnormality that make them (1) genetically compatible and (2) immune to vampire mind tricks, so it almost made sense that she do that because then they would actually be untraceable. But here it was just…one more plot point the movies refused to cut even though they didn’t make sense in the context that has been presented via film.

The vampire variety show was painful. So United Colors of Benaton, so United Nations. How does Carlisle make all these friends if he actually spends all his time parked in small towns hiding from vampire society?

I need another drink. Let’s see what Rachel thought.

Rachel-

I present to you the best of my live blog (because it’s 7 pages and I love you guys. I don’t hate you.)

On the opening scene:

No dialogue yet. Just staring. Oh I think he spit mumbled to himself just now.

“WE’RE THE SAME TEMPATURE NOW?” THAT WAS THE FIRST LINE OF THE FUCKING MOVIE. More staring. I think she just stabbed him…oh no just a hug. Kill him. Squeeze him until his head pops right off. Omg vampire super-fast hand job? What is going on?

Jacob’s first scene:

Hi Jacob. ‘You’re still here.’
‘Well yea…gotta bang your infant daughter while you’re out.’

Renesmee’s fucking nickname:

EW HE JUST CALLED THE BABY NESSY. “YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCHNESS MONSTER?!!!” uncontrollable hackling laughter.

Also, can we go back to the idea that the only reason bella ever liked jacob was bc the potential fetus she hadn’t conceived yet was the one into the wolfboy? WHAT?

The Sex Scene:

“vampires dont sleep” youre right. VAMPIRES BONE. SO GET TO IT.

Boring blurry sex scene. TIME FOR MORE BOOZE. (don’t forget to get a close up of the wedding ring. This is god approved boning people. Between soulless demons.)

“I’m never going to get enough of it. How are we going to ever stop?” – literally would rather an asteroid hit the planet before I ever had to hear that line.

Prepping Bella to meet Charlie:

Did the vampire family just teach her how to do a Kristen Stewart impression?

The Soundtrack:

I think the music is so bad bc no one can actually sit thru this film sober. So they had a robot approx a soundtrack.

Jacob says something snarky about wolves being cooler than vampires:

“She wishes she was that awesome.” Yea jacob. Bc she wants to turn into an animal that can lick its own asshole. Why? When she’s got Edward for that?

Vampire Arm Wrestling:

IS IT TIME FOR VAMPIRE BASEBALL?

Oh no…LAMER. Vampire ARM wrestling.

KILL ME.

Random Volturi Flashback:

“The Voltori are coming for us.” THANK GAWD. It’s been 2 hours right? Everyone dies. The End.

I know I’m getting super awkward backstory but all of these famous people in blond wigs look the same and … I just don’t give a damn. Oh look… a beheading.

Jacob and Renesmee (and some Italians):

Oh look Nessy can talk. And Jacob is sitting next to her in the car. I AM SKEEVED OUT. THIS IS WEIRD.

Oh good now he’s carrying her around. This is the most fucked up.. .weird ass… this is like.. .and the fact that the actress playing Nessy is all eyelinered up like a child bride… ughhhhhh. STOPPIT. PEDOSHIIIIT.

Ok so some people are teaching Nessy to control weather and then some amazon Xena princess sidekicks show up? This is the type of shit that should be CUT OUT of a film adaptation. Cluttered weird stuff that just confuses an already muddled weak storyline. Some random dude just made a beatles joke. Why do I care about this guy?

Does Nessy have some kind of brainwashing ability? I don’t. Get. It.

Oh good now we’re adding more werewolves. Jacob really DOES only like younglings.

The half hour of gathering the various X-men Vampires is BORING. I AM BORED.

Good a fight. For no reason that I can discern.

UGH… they totally CGId this poor child actress’ face so she looks like…older and more like a sex doll for a perv.

I feel like I just blacked out because suddenly cgi wolves are chasing a bunch of italians who are VERY OBVIOUSLY running in place

Prepping for the Boss Fight

I feel myself overcome with a sense of narcolepsy. Like in order to save myself my brain is turning off. Just powering off. Rebelling bc I can’t fucking WATCH all these plastic, over makeuped barbies flap their gums at each other ANY. MORE.

Bella is a vampire dampening net. “Dude, you’re not motivating her.” I… dont think this is about motivation ,guys. I think its more that no one explains anything and there dont seem to be rules so it looks impossible to teach anyone about their mutant abilities. Where’s Professor X?

Wouldn’t it be fucking hilarious if Edward just burned up and died right now? And the credits started rolling? Or is that just my deepest desire?

Kstew is reading the pedo-doll some kind of pornographic novel about wolf sex.

Did Kstew just say “physical. I feel like I could demolish a tank.” She has experience with being the Hulk then? Bc looks to me like her ass is sitting on a couch.

This Plot You Guys:

Now I’m in a mall. Jesus Christ. I’m in a mall restaurant with yet another nameless character that will talk more than the protagonist.

Can we go back to the whole idea that the reason the bad vamps are after everyone is because they want Alice to complete their freakshow? SO WHY IS THE MOVIE STILL GOING ON? WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?

Somewhere in the snowy North:

Hey we’re in iceland or some shit.

Why are they even here? Was there some kind of agreement that everyone was going to meet in this snowy field in Iceland? Theyre about to battle some motherfucking … time lords? Dementors? Extras from the jersey shore?

OH GOD OF COURSE WOLVES TOO. Lets make the inevitable CGI nightmore even WORSE.

Omg is that jake? IS LOCH NESS MONSTER GOING TO RIDE AROUND ON TOP OF JAKE LIKE A BIG WOLFY HORSE?

They do know that Alice isn’t even HERE right?

Ok they’ve been walking back and forth on the snow talking to each other for at least 35 minutes now. Can’t they just kill each other so I can stop watching this shit?

Michael Sheen just figured out he was in a Twilight movie. That is the ONLY explanation for the muppet noise he just made.

Heyyy… bitch from Lost. What’s up? Haven’t seen you in 5 days or so.

Bahaha… this is why vampires need CELL PHONES. Just like… call people “did you make a vampire baby? No? Ok cool.”

NESSIE IS RIDING ON JAKE. PLEASE SHOW US A CLOSE UP OF THE AWKWARD ROCKING CGI HORRORFEST.

“So no laws broken. Let’s just disperse, cool?” “Nah…we all came all this way to get here so I think we should kill each other for no reason, k?” “Yea… I guess.”

UGHHH. …. ALICE JUST SHOWED UP… wtfffffff. MORE BORING TALKING SHIT. They were gonna kill each other you dumb whore. YOU’RE RUINING IT.

OK geezus. Finally. CGI FIGHT OF DOOM AND ILLEGIBILITY. LET’S DO THIS.

The Battle:

I think I’m supposed to care about these damn wolves that are dying but I actually have no idea who they are.

KICK BELLA in the HEAD. BAHHAA

Still haven’t decided which team of dead people I’m rooting for.

EDWARD GO DOWN THE HOLE GO BYE BYE .

Is there Lava down there? WTH?

Oh…Edward can fly I guess. Guess that means Dakota is left to get her ass killed by Alice the Wig. FEAR THE WIG.

I assume Alice the Wig giving Dakota to the black wolf was significant for some reason? Oh hey the Albino is still alive. How’s Lancel doing? Did Lancel Die? Or did guy who used to date Ginny Weasley die? Are they both in this movie or did I make one of them up?

The Final Blows:

Bella and Edward are fighting Michael Sheen – its kind of incomprehensible. Oh Bella just pulled his head off. Ok.

WTF.

WE JUST WENT BACK IN FUCKING ASS FUCKING SHIT FUCKING TIME FUCK?

What a mother fucking ass cop out. THIS. IS. BATTLE. THIS. MUST. HAPPEN. You can’t have a whole series end with a bunch of jerkfaces IN A FIELD just be like “cool, peace out. Donzo. See ya at Thanksgiving.”

Remember when the Mayans showed up?:

Why are there native americans? Is this bc I typed Thanksgiving? Bc they appeared AS SOON as I typed it.

Oh gooood. Half Human Half Vampire Mayan or something. Confirming to Jacob that he can start boning Nessie in 7 years… probably 4 if no one is looking.

Hey Mayan Dude… YOU ARE IN ICELAND. You ain’t cold?

They will never forgive what happened here? WHAT ARE YOUT ALKING ABOUT ITALIAN GUY AND ALBINO BOY? NOTHING HAPPENED. NOTHING.

NO. THING.

NOTHING HAPPENED.

This was 5 hours of people zooming around in the woods and pedophilia and talking about bullshit and THEN NOTHING HAPPENED. A wolf howled.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

The End:

No one has ever hated this movie as much as I hate it, Bella. With one exception. These two fucking actors. Kstew…RPatz… you have my eternal mocking to take with you to the sparkly bank.