Category Archives: Review

Finding John Carter On Mars Is A Win – A Review

Why are you interested in this adaptation?

Elena-

Mostly because it’s a sci-fi movie, and I do try to watch most of them.  To be honest there’s not a whole lot of a deeper or more compelling reason than that.  Nothing in the trailer excites me, and if there were more going on at the movies this weekend John Carter probably loses me.  But when my other options are The Lorax or Good Deeds, you know, Mars starts sounding like a fine destination.  Fine.

Rachel-

So, I secretly hope that this movie is amazing. How could I not want to see this? Published in 1917, A Princess of Mars, on which John Carter is largely based, is the first of a long series of novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs (the Tarzan guy). We can arguably connect most of the planetary science-fantasy stories of the last 100 years to this book. Conan, He-man, Dune, Heinlein’s The Number of the Beast, Star Wars…the list is endless. Sure, it’s outdated and weird, and the science isn’t even close, and they were inspired by those old theories that you could see evidence of ancient civilizations on the Martian surface (Google the canals of Mars), but this is science fiction HISTORY. Crazy stuff, sure, but mostly awesome.

And come on… THAAARKS! Plus, Michael Chabon wrote the script, and it’s being directed by Andrew Stanton. There’s a part of me that thinks this just might be great.

What would make it awesome?

Elena-

Um…can I be real here and say that, given the amount of CG I saw in that trailer, that I don’t think there’s anything this film can do to be excellent?  If I have to pick a path for it, how about some just ridiculous popcorn B-movie fun?  There’s a place for that, and maybe this movie could be it.

Rachel-

Despite the sexist overtones, I REALLY want it to look like the artwork I’ve associated with the stories. They just come hand in hand. I find it impossible to disconnect the story itself from the Frazetta naked asses and most especially the super lush, beautiful old-style illustrations of Frank E. Schoonover (who very graciously put some clothes on the princess for us.)

From what I’ve seen of the trailer everything looks nice and red. They’ve kept the barbarian-style clothes, and I’m REALLY impressed with the Barsoonian ships. They look awesome.

I guess what I’m saying is, I want the damn movie to be pretty. That would be awesome.

What would make it suck?

Elena

If it takes itself really seriously and is half-CG (as its trailer makes it look).  Basically…if this shit is like Avatard, Mars Edition it is going to suuuuck asssssssssssssssss.

Rachel-

I don’t really care of there’s a lot of CGI as long as it looks good and it’s not a half hour of blurriness like Transformers.

It will suck if the story is a disaster. This is an adaptation of a pretty sprawling novel that has its own problems with pacing, so this could all go horribly wrong. It could be full of confusing lore and never explain anything about why this culture as at war or how anything works. I’m a little worried about the super-powers. The telepathy and the super-strength. The science behind it is pretty silly now; I hope it’s not something the entire audience laughs at every time it happens.  I’m pretty worried about it. I think Chabon can handle it, but it’s all the executive driven decisions I’m scared of.

This whole movie could be a hammy, horrible, convoluted mess.

Any additional thoughts on production/trailer?

Elena-

Why is this movie 2 hours and 10 minutes?  I may not have read the book it’s based on, but I know this much about Edgar Rice Burroughs:  he wasn’t writing fucking Dune.  You don’t need a mini-series to tell that story.  What the hell?  I better come out feeling like it was shorter than it was…and I especially better not feel like it was LONGER than it was!

Rachel-

Yea, I agree. More than two hours? Is this Lord of the Rings? This is a movie based on the king of all pulp novels. Yes, there are going to be large-scale battles in this movie but they don’t need to be Helm’s Deep!

In general I’ve been enjoying the trailers coming out. The Tharks look great, everything looks pretty damn epic. I just don’t know how sincere it’s going to be. Will this be the podraces on Tattooine horrible or will I be enamored of the cinematography? Will I want to be Princess Dejah for Halloween, or will I want to kill her and all the girls I see dressed as her on Halloween? I’ve been hearing via word of mouth that the film isn’t that great, so that isn’t encouraging. But I might like it, I mean… I still watch Conan marathons. This might be a matter of preference.

 

Reaction to Film:

Elena-

That…that wasn’t NEARLY as bad as I thought it was going to be!  In fact, dare I say it was actually kind of good?  I mean, it wasn’t like top 10 SF films of the decade material, but it was eminently watchable.  And here’s the thing, and why I never take for granted that a film which I expect to be bad can’t possibly be as bad as I’m expecting:  Avatar was WORSE than I expected, and I expected that James Cameron self-indulgent-whack-fest to be bad (for me as an audience), so I am by no means damning John Carter with faint praise when I say it was better than I expected.

That is not to say there were not…flaws.  There is still a visual divide between characters that are live-action and characters that are animated.  The gulf is not as wide as it once was, and the animation looked good, but it still looked like animation.  Until it doesn’t I am going to point it out as a flaw.  I expect to go to my grave still complaining about this issue.

John Carter’s jumps were also problematic.  They looked like someone in Earth-gravity being hoisted aloft or an animated object being zoomed along a CG trajectory.  The bounces lacked the true buoyancy that happens in lower gravity.  Actually those scenes reminded me of the jumping about in Gentleman Broncos, which is very much an ode to this type of pulp SF story (and, by the by, well worth the watch)…but to extend my point, the rendition of the SF storyline in that movie is very much meant to be comedic.  It’s okay if the jumping doesn’t look real because that’s not really the point (in fact looking too real might undermine the point in that movie), but since John Carter was actually taking itself mostly seriously, the silly-looking jumping was an issue.

Now let’s talk about some good things.  I loved the casting for John Carter and the Princess (seriously…why bother calling her anything else, especially her goofy-ass Never-Ending Story sounding name?).  The rest of the casting didn’t bother me or excite me, and Mark Strong got to add yet another villain to his villainous credits list.  Also the Princess had amazing eyes, and while I am fairly sure it was contacts/CG I’m not totally sure, so they sold it better than the Dune movies have so far.

The dog?  Was fucking awesommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmme.  Best part of the movie!  And proof that whatever form life takes, the human-dog bond is universal.  (Okay, at least galactic.)

However.

Doggie?  With his super-fast zoom run, utter fearlessness, and absolute loyalty?  Brought up a pretty damn huge problem with the military strategies of the various peoples of Mars:  WHY. THE. FUCK. DIDN’T ANYONE HAVE A MARS-DOG ARMY?!  That made no sense.  How could they miss the usefulness of that kind of animal in attacks?  So that was bit of a plot hole.

Another was John Carter’s Superman status.  So, I get that his magical physical abilities happen because he’s used to Earth-gravity.  Fine.  But…what happens in a year after he’s been living on Mars?  I mean, best case for him is that he’s equalized to everyone who is from Mars and built for it.  More realistically is that his bones start disintegrating and his muscles atrophy and he goes from being the secret weapon to the same as any other Mars-man/useless.  That’s not such a happy ending, is it?

Finally I want to give some props to the framing device.  Because it was ace. At first when the movie started with the whole random nephew reading his uncle’s diary, I thought, Jesus Harold Christ, not another stupid framing device that I was tired of after one 19th-century lit class.  But the frame turned out to be actually relevant to the story and took the ending up a notch, from bittersweet to kick-ass.  So that was good and worth mentioning.  Don’t roll your eyes at the frame until you get to the end!

Yeah.  In all it was a good two hours at the movies, and I’ll go see any sequels.  It might not be profound or profoundly memorable B-movie crazysauce, but it was fun enough and good enough that I don’t feel cheated out of 130 minutes of my life.  So I’m going to file John Carter (Of Mars) in the Win column and call it a night.

Rachel-

I LIKED IT!!! I really did!

I mean yeah, it had its issues. It was too long. It had a couple of slow bits; that I didn’t mind so much on the first watch, but I suspect I would if I saw it several times. It glossed RIGHT ON OVER all those issues of racism and classicism and the critique of the industrialized world beating out the “cultured imperialists”. Just RIGHT ON BY. Whatever. I understand why Disney did not want to deal with all the baggage a hundred-year-old novel that started a genre might come with.

They changed quite a lot to make it a tighter story, and to make it more appealing to a modern audience. Some of it I am quite grateful for. Princess Dejah, for instance, was intelligent, capable and did not spend the entire movie being repeatedly kidnapped and sexed. Good job, Disney. They left out the telepathic stuff. Probably a solid choice. That could have been hokey. They handled the super strength really well and quickly, and, yes…it IS funny to watch a guy moon leap everywhere he goes, and they acknowledged that.

The bit at the beginning with the Apaches and the Colonel…kind of clumsy. I think it was much longer and had to be edited, because seriously where is the MARS in this movie? I did absolutely LOVE the flashback to John burying his wife and child when he was fighting that one Thark army. It was actually really well done and does a great job highlighting the fact that when we romanticize violence, we forget that war is terrible and leaves innocent people dead. I think that might have been one of the best scenes in the film. The editing choice there was really spot-on.

Elena-

TOTALLY agree. That flashback sequence gave me chills.

Rachel-

They changed some details with the Tharks, as well. For example, it was Tars Tarkas that was aware that Sola was his daughter in the film rather than the other way around, and they completely cut out the deal with Kantos Kan being an arena prisoner that escapes with John Carter to Helium. Totally understandable, as they decided to expand Dejah to be far more involved in the plot than she originally was.  I’m really grateful for that. They did that in a really clever way. She still needs John’s help, otherwise what is the point? But she isn’t just this naked (seriously, in the books she doesn’t wear any clothes. The comment she makes about her outfit being vulgar is pretty hilarious in that light) princess who needs to be CONSTANTLY rescued by the big, strong white man from Earth. They really did that right. All credit to Michael Chabon for that. He did a great job with all this material.

I also thought they did a great job with the CGI. Sure, Woola never looked like he was REAL, but the CGI wasn’t distracting. The ships and the cities and the vistas in general (love the use of tilt-shift for several of the big wide shots) were all really enhanced by effects. Some of the battle scenes got a little CGI heavy. Maybe it was the 3D making the film a little dark, but I didn’t really detect that hated shininess that CGI can cast.

Speaking of Woola. WOOLA IS THE SHIT. Calots are awesome. I love that they made it sooooo ugly. They could have gone with a more lizard-like dog, but no. They went with a weird geko-turd. Love it. Ugly things make me happy. He basically stole every shot he was in. Woola appreciation society. I am in it.

Elena-

ME TOO!!!

Rachel-

Lookit that ugly, runty horrible scrotum-looking thing! We love him so!

That might sum up how I feel about this movie in general. It’s kind of a weird movie in that it’s an adaptation of a book that is now so dated as to almost appear as a farce, or at least an uncreative rip-off of everything produced in the genre for the last 50 years. Except it’s not. It’s the original weird, epic, pseudo-science-fantasy planetary adventure story. Everyone is naked! Everyone seems not to be choking or freezing to death! It’s a crazy world! Just remember to call it Barsoom!

Discover The (Gorgeous) Secret World of Arrietty – A Review

Why are you interested in this adaptation?

Elena-

The real question is why would I NOT be interested in this movie?

I love animated films.  And by animated I mean cartoons. Anime is one of the few remaining sources for old-school animation, and it’s also essentially the only place you find animation for adults that is therefore moving the techniques and aesthetics of the medium forward still.

I also enjoy anime as a genre, although I never really go out of my way to find it…but when it comes to me, I see it and enjoy.

To the final relevant point in this discussion, I enjoy fairy tale/folk tale type stories, especially new ones (either new to me or original stories in that vein), and the idea of a world of little people who live in a small corner of our world is right along the traditional folk lines.

Rachel-

Sure, I read the plethora of novels about small things when I was a kid (The Borrowers, Indian in the Cupboard, etc.) but I’m in this for Studio Ghibli. I pretty much love Every. Single. Thing. Ghibli has ever produced. (Except Tales from Earthsea, but we can talk about that later…)

They’re just sooo friggin beautiful! And there are lots of girl heroes! The stories are also much more varied than the Disney offerings of the last 15 years, and I really appreciate that. I didn’t discover Ghibli until college, but I was an instant convert.

If you’ve never heard of Studio Ghibli or its founder, Hayao Miyazaki, you probably remember Spirited Away winning an Oscar about 10 years ago, or you’ve seen the Ghibli character of Totoro making cameos in a few Pixar films. Suffice it to say, Miyazaki and his Studio Ghibli are extremely influential, and to call him the Japanese Disney is at once accurate and entirely misleading.

And yes, my favorite is Nausicaa. People are never surprised by this.

Elena-

I would like to point out another instance of my growing up under a rock: I had no idea what The Borrowers book series was until after I had seen this movie when I was recommending it to a friend and she was all, “Oh, I wonder if it was based on The Borrowers books?”

And for the record Howl’s Moving Castle is probably my personal favorite Ghibli film, but that’s probably just because it’s so abstract and weird, especially in the middle.

 

What would make it awesome?

Rachel-

I don’t really know what to expect. I’ve purposefully only seen the teaser trailer. I know it’s beautiful already, and I won’t be disappointed there. I also know it won’t follow The Borrowers‘ plot even though some of the names are the same. The teaser trailer doesn’t really let you know any plot details, so I can’t point to any specifics. I assume the Borrowers will be discovered, and there will be an escape of some kind.

I’m also looking forward to the soundtrack and even the sound editing, which in Ghibli films is always excellent. Judging from the teaser trailer and posters this is going to be a nature-heavy film (most of them are, but I’m thinking of My Neighbor Totoro especially), and I’m looking forward to seeing the fruits of the extensive research Miyazaki and his team have obviously done.

Elena-

I am going to take this question as, what would make it not just good but FUCKING GOOD.  To that end…if the animation is really creative and proves why this has to be a 2-d animation movie.  What I mean by this…there were scenes in some of the Cowboy Bebop episodes that literally could not be filmed in live action.  The angles and perspectives were just too extreme.  That is pushing animation as a film technique forward.  If this movie has that kind of A-game animation, and a really good and original story, then it will be off the chain.

At this point with the track record Rachel and I have had on watching movies together, I’ll settle for just a really good and slightly original story!

 

What would make it suck?

Elena-

I don’t really think there’s a lot of feasible ways to make this film terrible.  Maybe if they just rewrote the story of the original and were working with either a spliced version of the visuals or trying to fit a new story onto the original animation.

But if they’re working with the original movie (which is highly acclaimed and would not be chosen for export if it were not solid), just dubbed in English, there’s nothing that will make this awful short of using Gilbert Gottfried and Fran Drescher as the voice talent.

Rachel-

Before I had seen Tales from Earthsea, I would have said with great confidence that no Studio Ghibli film could ever disappoint me, but Miyazaki’s son definitely did that with Earthsea. There’s some drama behind that film (it led to a feud between father and son because Hayao didn’t think his son Goro was ready to direct, and the film was based upon not just Ursula Le Guin’s novels but also Hayao’s manga. You can see how things got touchy). While Tales from Earthsea had the quality animation we’ve all come to expect from Studio Ghibli, it was a rambling, incoherent mess. It suffered from too much going on, the type of interrupted plot lines you get when you watch condensed film versions of really long anime series.

I hope the story is simple. That’s what Studio Ghibli excels at.

 

Thoughts on casting/production?

Rachel-

While Hayao Miyazaki’s name is attached to Arrietty, he is not directing it. He did write the screenplay and is involved in production, so I am confident that this won’t be another Tales from Earthsea.

I am disappointed in the fact that I’ll be watching a US-specific dubbing when I see it in the theater. In general, I find the Disney-lead American dubs to be more about using famous voices to get American parents to see a film with their children than picking good voice actors. In fact, they generally don’t even use professional voice actors at all, which is really disappointing! The US dub features Amy Poehler, Will Arnett, and Carol Burnett. A more inspired casting than, say…Christian Bale in Howl’s Moving Castle…but I’ll bet the UK version will be better. (Although…Christian Bale could technically be the UK dub of that one, except I don’t believe they did region specific dubbing on that film, just Japanese and English)

Elena-

I…didn’t even bother to watch the trailer.  I read the synopsis and country of origin and knew I wanted to see it.  I actually don’t want to go into the film with any expectations—I think in this case a blank slate might be better for me—so, long story short, no, I have no additional thoughts about this production before I see it.

 

Reaction to film:

Rachel-

AHHH. IT WAS SO GOOOD!!!

Legit. Look at this. LOOK AT IT.

The dubbing was fine; there really wasn’t all that much dialogue to begin with. I was having little artgasms examining all the scenes filled with random bits of stuff and trash that the Borrowers had converted into useful objects. Just looking in the corners of their home was worth the ungodly price of NYC admission. It really was.

I loved how ridiculously brave Arrietty was. It was a wonderful counter to the careful details that really made the audience FEEL how being that small must feel. Simple human movements became lumbering, clumsy and ominous. And yet when confronted by cats, insects, chasms and heart stopping realizations, Arrietty just stood and faced it. NO. FEAR. It was just amazing. The boy that the lonely Arrietty befriends, Shaun in the American dub (Sho in the Japanese version), was kind of horribly creepy. But I liked that. He wasn’t charming or really that endearing. He was almost zombie-like in the way he moved around the house and how he just sat, unmoving. He came across as a very sick and lonely boy with no one to talk to and not very much to say anyways. But his intentions were good, if misguided. But yea, that scene (that I now know is in the official Trailer because I watched it) when Arrietty and her father and taking tissue and she realizes Shaun is just STARING at her…that was terrifying!

I also liked the sad little ending. The two new friends must part, never to meet again, but you know that Arrietty will continue her adventures and you feel happy for her that she is going somewhere where she can make friends (and possibly boyfriend! I laughed when a friend of mine who was seeing it at the same time but in another state texted me “Spiller is totally husband material. He grunts, he flies, and he can steer a kettle down a river!”). I’m not sure what happens in the Japanese version as I haven’t gotten my hands on a subbed version yet, but in the American dub Shaun doesn’t die like I was CONVINCED he would. I know in the Borrower novels the boy is the one telling the stories, and you don’t really know if everything he writes about happened or if he is just making it all up. So I assume that Shaun surviving is a nod to those novels. I don’t know why I was so morbid about him. He seemed pretty lackluster as a character. Arrietty definitely stole the show. Hell, Spiller was more interesting than creepy Shaun.

Favorite Scene: When Arrietty is sitting in the crawl space and the roly-poly bug comes up and she uses it as a ball. I don’t know why but I was SO HAPPY when that happened.

Least favorite scene: The freaking CROW in the screen of the window! HOLY CRAP. I mean, hilarious, especially when Haru came in and solved the issue by beating it on the head with her shoe. That scene had me laughing, but I also felt like it was kind of intensely crazy? I dunno. It was like meditating in the glow of a warm and happy film full of quilts and cookie flour and then CROW IN YOUR FACE AND IT WON’T STOP SQUAWKING. Mostly it was jarring.

Ha…jarring. Poor Homily. Haru is a sadist. At least she poked holes in the plastic wrap? I had visions of poor Homily suffocating as soon as she shoved her in that mason jar. Tsk tsk!

Actually let’s take that back. My least favorite scene was the opening scene (even though it was awesome) when I had to listen to that ridiculous song about coming into a garden and the trees and she used to spend her childhood. WHAT. IS. THAT? WHAT IS THAT SONG? IT’S HORRIFIC. It inspired my boyfriend to rewrite the song with dirty lyrics, and he sang it all weekend. That song has to go. It’s even in the Japanese version with the English lyrics. GET IT OUT. IT’S AWFUL. Arrietty’s song at the end was fine, though. Just the coming into the garden song…ugh.

And the cat! We love the cat! I love that cats are looked upon fondly in Japanese culture. Too many Americans are all “I’m a dog person!” and…proud of that. For some reason.

Cats forever.

Except when they eat little people. They shouldn’t do that. Don’t let your cat eat any borrowers living in your house. It’s not nice.

Elena –

I have three words to anyone who loves art and is wondering if they should see this film (and for once none of them are f-bombs):  moving Impressionist garden.

That’s what this movie looked like to me in its animated art direction.  There were lots of colors, lots of shades of green, lots of details of leaf shapes, and yet…this was not photo-realism.  It wasn’t even pretending to try to be. It was just…blurry and lovely and rustling and alive.  It’s worth seeing if you love visual art just for that.

But…the movie on the whole is also pretty much fucking awesome (hey, there’s the drop you knew was coming!).  The heroine, Arrietty, is just awesome. She’s the kind of female hero character we need more of—unafraid of the world, curious, determined, and self-sufficient, yet also vulnerable and open and able of accepting help and seeing the good in others.  She’s like all the good parts of urban fantasy heroines blended with actually being a whole, healthy person instead of an embittered introvert.  I loved especially how willing she was to question the established rules of her life.  I know that’s what kids are supposed to do, but…I don’t think I questioned survival issues when I was 14.

Then there is the High Romantic angle of this being like…the most impossible of all impossible love stories.  She’s the size of one of his fingers.  Even if they were true soul mates they could never have more than companionship.  But they can’t even have that!  Because her parents live by the rule of “human sees us, we have to leave”—and evil housekeeper Haru proves them right to have that rule.  Oh, she’s awful!  (There may also have been a strong resemblance to someone I used to know in real life who caused me significant grief, so my reaction to her was perhaps…extreme.)  It was hilarious to see her foiled again and again and put herself in an even worse position than she’d been in before, when her employers just thought she lost things left and right.

Anyway, the burgeoning friendship between Shaun and Arrietty is sweet and bittersweet at once, since the closer they become the more certain it is that she will have to leave.  Not gonna lie, I teared up at the end.  It was so beautiful.  And how sad was it that the grandfather and Shaun’s mother had built that lovely dollhouse just for them, and they could never live in it?  I totally expected Shaun to relocate them into it and take them home with him, or give them to another house but within the dollhouse.

There were definitely echoes of it being a vaguely romantic interest, at least on Shaun’s part, because both he and Spiller give each other the stink eye, who is THAT asshole?, style.  Spiller was hilarious.  He was great comic relief, but subtle, and also a point of extreme depth for the film’s world-building because he showed that not only are there other Borrowers but that there are also very different ways of Borrowing.  Not all of them live in houses and scaled-down versions of human civilized life.

The movie felt longer than it was—not in a bad way, but it seemed more than 90 minutes.  Maybe because it unfolds at a pretty slow pace, and for all that you can guess several directions it might take you’re never sure which it will take, so you can’t guess how far you are in the plot by typical 3-act structure analysis.

One of the things I liked most is the feature this film shared with other Ghibli movies I’ve seen, and that is that it’s a callback to the fairy tales of childhood.  Not necessarily specific stories, but the infusion of a sense of wonder into quotidian, mundane life.  In an age where Disney has decided they are done with fairy tales (lame), I love that Studio Ghibli proves they can not only be retold but also invented fresh.  While this had great reminders of “Thumbelina” or “Tom Thumb” in terms of the relationship between full-size human and little person, and the scale of our world to them, the story and the scenario were totally different.  Again, not having read The Borrowers series, I can’t speak as to how close it was to those books, but it was fabulous for an impartial observer.

The Woman In Black: DanRad in Victorian Wear- A Review

Why are you interested in this adaptation?

Elena-

This movie is kind of a duh for me.

It is Harry Potter.  I want to see if he can actually, you know, do something besides wield a wand with great conviction and look by turns sullen and put-upon.

It is a ghost story that looks like it might actually be scary, not just jumpy or gory but actually creep you out scary.  Far too many of the horror movies out these days are either not creepy-scary or are so blood-soaked the terror is split between fear and disgust, which generally lessens the degree to which you feel either emotion.

Also it is a Victorian ghost story so…COSTUMES!
Rachel-

Harry Potter influence disclosure!!! Plus I really like ghost movies (The Others, anyone?). The film is based on a book of the same name by Susan Hill. It has already been adapted into a very successful and long-running play on London’s West End and I’ve heard from friends who have seen the play that it would probably make a better movie, but the play is still pretty good.

That’s… as good a recommendation as any, no?

Ok, so it’s Daniel Radcliffe in period costume. SHUT UP.

 


What would make it awesome?

Rachel-

This question makes no sense. Daniel Radcliffe in period costume. What the hell else do you want?

I’m going to assume that this is going to be a little old fashioned, British scary movie. Meaning that it isn’t gory as much as it is classically scary.

Elena-

If it’s scary and smart, with good acting, some artsy directing, and a nice ambiguous ending like the best ghost stories all have.  Oh, and if Dan wears a waistcoat with distinction!

Rachel-

I just want to say that whenever I hear the term “waistcoat” my brain always says, “Why don’t people just say VESTS?” I mean really… what do old timey people have against vests?

Elena-

But—but—but—it was an underCOAT! Worn to cover a man’s WAIST.  It makes PERFECT SENSE.  What is a vest?  It’s a shortening of vestment, I think?  So…a really short priest’s robe?  That’s even worse.

What would make it suck?

Rachel-

If the story is easily figured out, if DanRad is awful, if no one is wearing period costumes.

Elena-

If Daniel Radcliffe proves he has no acting abilities whatsoever.

If it goes stupid the way so many haunted house stories go stupid…I guess by that I mean if it’s totally predictable and full of people running up the stairs when they should be running out of the fucking house, etc.

If the theater is full of stupid tween DR fans who scream every time he shows up on screen.  This happened to one of my friends opening night.  It convinced me to wait to see the film a bit later on its theatrical run.

Thoughts on casting/production?

Rachel-

I have no idea who else is in this film. I think from the trailer that I’m supposed to accept that DanRad is a family man. That…is kind of dumb. He’s what? 18? (I know he’s older than that but give me a break, he’s not a FATHERLY person.)

Now I’m thinking about the HP epilogue, and it’s making me upset!

Elena-

Right?  That epilogue was just…sad.  Also I know Victorian gents of good morals probably married early (I mean how long is he gonna wait to dip the wick, amiright?), but I don’t think “early” meant…16.

Anyway, I’m excited to see what Harry can do out of Hogwarts.  I know this isn’t his first role in a non-HP film or anything, but it’s the first movie I’ve been interested in as a film to go see him in.  The other(s) he’s done just didn’t have an independent appeal, and while I like DR and wish him well and am curious about his career prospects, I just don’t feel any of those things strongly enough to go to a movie solely because he is in it.

Otherwise, I…really don’t know much about this movie.  I know it’s based on a book that was written in 1983, so not an ACTUAL Victorian ghost story (which might have been cooler, to be honest), just one set then.  I also don’t know much about the director or the studio even though everyone is talking about Hammer rising from the grave to make this film.  Um…okay.  This is where growing up under that rock becomes obvious, because…what’s Hammer studios?  Why do I care?  Right.  Where’s Harry Potter?

Reaction to film:

Rachel-

Delightfully old fashioned scary movie! It reminded me a lot of House on Haunted Hill (the old one) because it relied on suspense mixed with scary noises and the imagination of the audience to generate the majority of the scares.

It was definitely far stronger in the beginning than it was in the ending (the motivation of the Woman in Black wasn’t very satisfying for example) especially the 20-minute scene when DanRad spends the night for the first time in Eel Marsh House. I found myself jumping at every noise, peering into every shadow. It’s in the interaction with the inhabitants of the village and the ending that force me to give this one a B- rather than an A. The rich couple with the lost child confused me, I was convinced they were the sister and brother-in-law of the Woman in Black until I got home and looked it up on Wikipedia.  They weren’t, which kind of pissed me off because I just couldn’t figure out the whole “NEVER FORGIVE” twist of the film without it being a vengeance gig against at least ONE of the onscreen characters.

Stupid.

Poor DanRad, he worked so hard to “solve the mystery” and then just got smacked in the end. WRONG. Thanks for helping me out in the only way you could but I’m going to kill you anyways! “Never Forgive” except DanRad never did ANYTHING to you stupid dead cow! LEAVE DANRAD ALONE!!!!

Besides the ending, which is pretty much what happens in the book, I had a few other beefs with the film. Namely that DanRad’s character was kind of dumb. Really dumb. Like, take me to the lonely decaying mansion that is only accessible during low tide in this creepy village where all the children kill themselves, and I’ll just wander around said decaying mansion thinking I can see my dead wife and generally going INTO rooms where creepy noises come from, with a culmination of jumping into a gross marsh bog to retrieve a mummified corpse.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU DANRAD? JUST ALOHAMORA YOU’RE FUCKING WAY OUT OF THERE! RUN! GET OUT!

Is it that you can’t use the Internet yet in Ye Olde England or Scotland or wherever the fuck you are?

I CAN FIX THAT.

Here’s a telegram I could have sent you near the beginning of the film:


Here is one I could have sent after I peeled my hands off of my face and summoned up the courage to look at more of the screen than the bottom right corner while my boyfriend made fun of me – only to see you carry about a tar-covered child-mummy for a while which totally freaked me out and you should not have done that, but then it only got worse:

Here is the telegram I would have sent after the fiftieth time DanRad assured everyone that despite the hangings, and the possessed ladies, and the poisonings and the fires and the jumping to their deaths out of windows incidents involving the children of this town – that you are still having your toddler son come to visit you:

And finally, here is the telegram I would have sent to you at the end of the film, when that stupid whore of a ghost lady decided that despite all your hard work and effort and jumping into bogs that she in fact, did NOT appreciate you or feel at ease or placated or whatever it is that makes ghosts not stupid whores…and you wouldn’t have received it, but maybe that nice nanny who didn’t ask to be dragged to the evil possessed town and I hope she gets back to London OK, could read it for you:

 

Elena-

This turned out to be one of those movies that you like well enough when you first come out, but there’s a bit of confusion so you start talking about it with your friends, and the more you talk about it the more you realize the story is full of holes and doesn’t quite take you to where it was probably trying to.  And then come the inevitable comparisons to how the book set up the scenario, so why did they change this or that because it didn’t just make things more dramatic, it changed the whole implications of that part of the story, etc.

I mean, on the whole the movie wasn’t bad.  I enjoyed the very gothic feel of its visuals a lot.  The house was fucking perfect.  Daniel looked good in the waistcoat, and suitably gaunt and haunted in the way only a melancholic Victorian gentleman could.  I will go see him in more movies.  He still might not be enough of a lure on his own, but he will still be one point in a film’s favor if I am undecided.

There were parts of the movie that creeped me the fuck out.  I just…wish it had all been a little bit tighter in the motivations.  What I mean by this more than anything, I think, is that I had to suspend disbelief in a few too many places for the whole thing to seem credible.

I mean, I really wanted to send this telegram to the villagers:

This is the telegram I wanted to send to DanRad Kipps when he saw his dead wife for the twentieth time:

And why would the woman in black still go after Harry when he did his best to lay her ghost and give her back her child?  And how did she even know he had a kid to begin with to come after him away from the house?  It made more sense in the book, when he didn’t try to do anything for her, that she might come after him again later.  Here it was like…well, damn, you’re just the cuntiest ghost in Christendom, ain’t ya?

 All of this detracted from the chills and fuck-me jumps experienced during the actual viewing experience.

Rachel-

Here is where I think I’ll blame the stage production rather than the book. Because, honestly, if the kid had been mown down by a carriage and DanRad had lived to be a cranky old ghost-hunter in a VEST…well actually that would have been a good movie.

Nevermind.

A Shakespearean Night With One For The Money

Why are you interested in this adaptation?

Elena-

Pick the reason I am interested:

(1) Katherine Heigl is my favorite actress and I watch everything she does;

(2) The Stephanie Plum series is one of my favorites so OF COURSE I’m going to see the first movie even if it’s totally different from the book;

(3) I was overdue for going to a bad movie with the intention of drunk heckling it.

If you guessed (3)…you are one for the money!  And if you guessed either (1) or (2) then you haven’t read one of our columns before, have you?  Oh, honey, you are in for a treat!

Also I should add that I am going with a friend who has read the series and enjoys it for the fun, ridiculous Jersey fist-pump of chick-lit that it is, and while KH is not a favorite I actually don’t mind her the way a lot of people do.  So there’s that.

Rachel-

THE SCENE: It is nighttime in Brooklyn. The buses are making their endless journeys, the bums are settling in for a nap in my garbage and my hipster neighbors have finally stopped their band practice. There are a few drunken couples coming home from an evening out at the bar and their screaming match is fading into the distance of horns and the occasional police siren. If I try really hard, I can almost imagine the sound of chirping crickets (who am I kidding, I mean the droning of cicadas) on this unseasonably warm winter evening.

And I tell you, dear reader, I would rather run naked out into that endless, terrible night than watch a Katherine Heigl movie.

I blame Elena, she let me believe this was some sort of Urban Fantasy Mystery adaptation. And then I googled it.

What would make it suck?

Rachel-

I REALLY hope this isn’t some weird anti-feminist bullshit like all of KH’s other movies. That one she made with Gerard Butler (Side Note: Have you ever seen Dear Frankie? I actually weep to think Butler used to be that guy, and now he’s a steroid filled mush mouth actor… IT’S TRAGIC) and the entire movie was about him treating her like crap and her learning to find his sexist and disgusting behavior endearing? UGHHHHHHH!!!!

However, I expect a ridiculous train wreck of Jersey Shore stereotypes and cringe-worthy acting in One for the Money. I mean…the title is lame. It sounds like a Sweet Valley High volume. I would label it a trash novel, but I think that would be an insult to Harlequin.

Elena-

If it’s a totally unrealistic “badass yet beautiful and approachable” female role-playing/wish fulfillment fantasy.  Also if they treat her possession of and use of firearms either irresponsibly or as a joke.  Not because I hate or fear guns but rather because I hate and fear the lobby that would take them away and don’t want to provide them any ammunition—no matter how tongue in cheek it was meant—for that cause.

What would make it awesome?

Elena-

Um…my expectations are kind of starting in the gutters, so I think I will consider it an awesome time at the movies if I walk out with a smile.  That can be either because the movie is so patently terrible that my friend and I just MST3K it the whole time, or if it’s better than I expect—you know, actually funny and witty and sexy and adventurous.

Rachel-

Please god let there be some self-aware and hilarious co-star that has decided that in addition to collecting a paycheck they will keep the audience in on the joke that this movie suuuucks.

I mean, I didn’t think I’d like Bridesmaids either (purely on the fact that it had to do with a wedding, and that is always boring and stupid), but I ended up nearly peeing myself with laughter. Maybe Melissa McCarthy can be in this film too?

Additional thoughts on casting or production?

Elena-

Well, I’ve already mentioned that I don’t mind Heigl despite her being a love-to-hate-her actress.

I have been told grandma is the best part of the series, so I am expecting that character to be hilarious and will be disappointed if she is not.

This is set in Jersey, right?  Does that mean it’s going to be full of a bunch of Jersey Shore types?  If she tries to fall in love with a dude calling himself “The Shenanigan” I am fucking out, y’all.

Rachel-

TOO LATE. Whatever troll-type they’ve got cast as the romantic interest will now forever be dubbed “The Shenanigan.” He can be half Irish, half Italian—all whack.

I don’t know who this grandma is. I only know what Wikipedia tells me and it tells me that Isabelle is a bounty hunter and she sells bras. (Speaking of Isabelle, remember how she ended up marrying that stupid random character they brought on last-minute because Tom Hanks’ nephew quit Roswell but we all knew they were supposed to be together? And Isabelle was the most supremely uninteresting alien posing as a high school student in the history of the genre? (Because bitches aren’t interesting!!!!) And even when they did the whole Bewitched homage she STILL wasn’t interesting and we just wanted Isabelle to maybe die and take stupid Tess with her? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT GUYS?)

I’m going to go watch the movie now. Pause for Effect.

 

Reaction to Film?

Rachel-

……….

 

 

That was… that was…. .

Well that was a Katherine Heigl movie.

One for the Money was everything I feared it would be. A stereotype-laden piece of trash with writing that can only be described as…chewy. So, instead of abusing my brain by trying to digest the word vomit, I mentally replaced the entire film with Shakespeare. It was what kept me sane.

For example, when Stephanie Plum starts her new job as a “bounty hunter” and it just so happens that an early assignment is an old douchey flame, I blocked out the rage-inducing couple talk with hilarious insults from the Bard. (Hey, look, it’s The Shenanigan. He…looks exactly how I pictured he would. How terrifying.)

Or when the bounty hunter mentor guy decided that he was going to break the law and purchase our intrepid heroin her own weapon of destruction I decided maybe everyone in this movie was on drugs.

 Or.. mayhaps I was on drugs? Drugs that made everything in the universe not funny.

 Nay! This movie was just… horribly unfunny.

Like the whore jokes… whose idea was that?

 Yea… let’s laugh at horrible bigoted caricatures of people. HILARIOUS.

Or when Heigl’s character decided that people LOVE funny whores and her bounty-hunting tactics would revolve around double entendres and copious shots of her bra?

 I decided maybe I was being tortured for something terrible I had done? Heigl’s career certainly deserves the punishment she’ll get from this latest resume star of a film. She produced this one herself, isn’t that nice? People with money are idiots. Stop paying this woman to do a damn thing. JUST. STOP.

Alas, had this film ended when it should have…we would have been spared rank tripe. Here’s your grade Ms. Heigl. Enjoy as thou wilt.

 Elena-

So…that wasn’t actually as bad as I thought it would be.  I mean, it was not great cinema.  It was not profound storytelling or deep characterization.  There were a lot of stereotypes, and several really questionable gun scenes.  But I kind of enjoyed it.  Maybe I was just drunk enough on the cheap corporate-chain-restaurant margaritas I sucked down by the bucketful in advance to appreciate the level of cheapness on display.

Maybe that was why I spent the entire film having flashbacks to that college production of Taming of the Shrew?

Dear readers, I present to you Elena’s Notes for this movie—a handy visual and alternative-textual summation of the film that will tell you everything you need to know about what happened in it with only the cast of Katherine “The Curst” and “The Shenanigan” to tell the tale.

Firstly, the unhappy lovers reunite:

Round one to The Shenanigan.

Katherine the Curst meditates upon scorned women and hell-fury.

The Shenanigan vows he will beat her by hook or by crook.

There are handcuffs and a shower involved, which she doesn’t mind nearly as much as she ought to.

She points out she’ll get further working with him than against him.

He is dumb enough to not realize she said “I” and not “we” when she spoke of winning.

He did not at any point during the final scenes of the movie use the word “shenanigan.”  I feel fucking cheated.

The End.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 Sneak Peak?

When you think of a sneak peak for an upcoming film, you usually think it will be at a theater or on a dvd release right? Well Target stores have decided to exclusively debut the sneak peak of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 at its stores. So if you haven’t had enough of Bella and Edwards weird romance, then the sneak peak is something you will definitely want to be present for. Note, however, you will need tickets to the event though so plan ahead if you want to watch it. Continue reading

7 Great Television Shows Based On Books

 

Books, comics, novels… they normally get made into movies. But occasionally they get made into television shows. Those shows are almost always amazing. Part of it has to do with the fact that a television show has a longer time span than a movie so more of the plot and details of its source material gets put in. And even sometimes, the show is better than the original.  In either case, here is a list of some of the greatest television shows that were once based on a novel or comic.

Note: These are not in any particular order. Continue reading

One Day – And Hopefully Never Again (A Review)

 

Ok, I am a girl, and I love love stories, and romantic comedies, and heartfelt indie dramas that focus on the true depth of love and life. I mean I am still pretty awesome but there isn’t a girl out there (almost) who doesn’t like to sit down to a romantic movie every once in a while.

So I picked up the book, One Day written by David Nicholls, and began to read. This book did become a movie starring Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess (another reason I wanted to do this review is because Jim Sturgess is pretty…. Awesome).

I read the book first, then when I was done, (and promptly cried afterward) then I watched the movie. I have to say that I was severely disappointed. It was awful. If I had watched this movie alone without reading the book, I would have loved it. However, the book was a million times better and the movie ultimately faltered to capture the love, chemistry and spirit of reality of the book. Continue reading

The Hunger Games Anticipation

Why are you interested in this adaptation?

Rachel-

I am interested in this adaptation because, like everyone else last year, I read the Hunger Games Trilogy over the summer. Initially, I was resistant to reading them because I felt that reading about kids murdering each other would be too stressful, but I gave in. I didn’t have to wait at all to read the complete trilogy because I began the first book only a few months before Mockingjay was published. Good thing, too–I was instantly obsessed. These books are a return to the type of science fiction I read as a child, and thus, I liked them very much. They are a return to the dystopia youth fiction, often shockingly violent and generally interested in psychology and sociology, that forces a young mind to examine its own preconceptions. Books like Ender’s Game, 1984, The Girl Who Owned a City, The Giver (which connects pretty easily to the self-sufficient, nature survival novels like Hatchet or My Side of the Mountain that were also pretty popular with my fellow elementary school attendees).  I will say that the first book is far better than its sequels. There are lots of reasons for that, but it is true. Continue reading

Note: Spoilers Ahead: A Review Of The Book We Should All Own

So recently, we got an exclusive guest post from author, Robb Pearlman and I have to say, I loved reading it. And thankfully, I was able to get a review copy of his book as well. This isn’t the normal book that has turned into a movie, but actually the other way around, and then some. This book gives you the endings of famous books, movies and television in a quick and convenient package. It is the perfect book for all of the pop-culturists out there like myself. But be warned, this book is full of spoilers. Continue reading

4 Reasons Why Michael C. Hall Is Casting Perfection

If you’ve never read the Dexter series by Jeff Lindsay, than you probably only know the world of the Michael C. Hall on the Showtime show, Dexter. But the series is actually based on the book. I will admit that, having read the series and seen the show, that I like the show more (but that’s a different article for a different time.)

Hall does a wonderfully fantastic job as Dexter. He is dark, he is foreboding, he is sexy and he is intimidating. He took a character in a book and turned it into the real thing. A real world that we get to watch every week.

So behold: the top 4 reasons why I love Michael C. Hall as Dexter. Continue reading